Found some sunshine

This term has been extremely difficult and stressful, but recently, I found a little bit of sunshine to help get me through. That ray of sunshine is in the form of a wonderful man. I hate talking about the guys I date for fear of jinxing things. Yes, I am superstitious :) However, I am so happy, I just want to sing from the rooftops!

Mark and I have been dating for just a couple of months, but it feels like we've known each other forever. We talked for a really long time through emails and on the phone, before we ever met. When we did finally meet in person, it was so comfortable and felt so right. Our first date lasted four hours and all we did was talk.

All of our dates since then have been filled with lots of talking and laughter. He and I have a lot in common. We like a lot of the same books, movies and most importantly, we're both hockey fans!

We do have our differences. I am very outgoing, outspoken and can be quite the social butterfly. While, Mark, on the other hand, is very quiet, soft spoken and introverted. With me though, he talks a lot, just not in group situations, I think I can live with that.

There is so much that I like about him and there are ZERO red flags! That I think is the best part! He has friends that he's not afraid to introduce me to, he owns his own home and car. But the best part is that I have never have dated anyone so open or honest. It is very refreshing and one of the things I admire about him the most.

I am so comfortable with Mark, that I can tell him anything and I think he feels the same way. We've been very fortunate and haven't had any super awkward, newly dating moments. Everything just feels right. I like it and I can't help sharing my happiness with everyone :D

Overwhelmed

This term I decided to take 11 credits, I have done so great in school up until now, I thought I could handle it. Plus, once this term is over, I'll be a third of the way through school, how could I resist? I should have resisted.

I didn't really think about what 11 credits would mean. It seemed so easy. Writing 121 for four hours on Monday, Leadership for an hour and 20 minutes on Tuesday and Thursday, Personal Finance as a hybrid with just two hours of class time on Tuesday, Quickbooks for four hours on Thursday. I gave myself Wednesdays, Fridays and the weekends off. That would be enough time for homework, right? Sure, as long as I wasn't planning on having any kind of social life.

When you start school they tell you to expect to have two to three hours of homework for every credit hour. So, for 11 credit hours that means I can count on 22 to 33 hours of homework EACH week.

Between working 43 to 45 hours a week, around 16 hours on campus each week and all the homework, I'm feeling really overwhelmed. I'm not behind and I'm doing well in all my classes, but pretty much everyday, I want to cry. I just don't have enough down time to decompress, I feel so tired everyday and it's really getting to me.

Ok, really, enough whining, I have so much to be thankful for. I have a great job, that allows me to go to school and pays for any business related class that I get an A in. Not only that, but they're letting me have a flexible schedule so I can attend some classes during the day. I have wonderful friends and family who are very supportive, I couldn't do this without them. And the icing on the cake is that I met someone who is pretty fantastic :)

See, I have no reason to whine. This term won't last forever, as a matter of fact, it's almost half way through. This isn't going to break me, I can do this and I will succeed!

That thing I never, ever, NEVER talk about

http://jezebel.com/5946643/reddit-users-attempt-to-shame-sikh-woman-get-righteously-schooled

Please read the above article before reading any further. Read it and then maybe you'll understand a little more about me. Not because I'm Sikh or brave enough to ever stand up for myself like she did, but because I'm hirsute.

hir·sute

   /ˈhɜrsut, hɜrˈsut/ Show Spelled[hur-soot, hur-soot] Show IPA

adjective

1.

hairy; shaggy.

2.

Botany, Zoology . covered with long, rather stiff hairs.

3.

of, pertaining to, or characteristic of hair.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hirsutism

 

If I could change one thing about myself, this would be it. I can deal with being overweight, because if I really buckle down and put my mind to it, I can lose weight, but the excess hair is a huge embarassment that I have no way of getting rid of. OK, that's not entirely true, it would probably get better if I lost weight. OR if I wanted to go through lots of painful laser hair removal treatments or have lots and lots of expensive tests run by my doctor. But, the problem with doing those things is, I never, ever, talk about this, as in I would rather DIE than talk about it to anyone, ever.

 

Even now, just writing this out, thinking that anyone could read this, is giving me anxiety, but if that girl can rock her full beard, mustache and sideburns, and then defend herself when the picture has gone viral, then I can come out of the closet and talk about my excess body hair. I've thought about writing about this a million times, I know I'm not the only girl with excess hair, but to say it out loud, write it on the internet where anyone can read it, makes me want to puke.

 

OK, OK, that's being really overdramatic. I have talked about it and I didn't die. I talked to my doctor about it, years ago, had tests done, there was nothing conclusive and we tried birth control, but that didn't work. I had laser hair removal treatments, 7 of them, VERY painful and reduced my hair, but I still have too much, in my opinion. I have talked to a few close friends/family members about it and even a boyfriend or two (which by the way, is the WORST conversation ever! No guy wants to know his girlfriend shaves as often, if not more often than he does). The point is, I don't want to talk about it, I want to push it under the rug and hide from it and never, ever, not EVER talk about it, but what does that accomplish? Nothing.

 

So, I read that article today and decided it's time. One of the reasons I started writing this blog was to help people, I'm sure I'm not the only woman who is desperately searching for her happily ever after. If I can help even one person, then I feel like I've done good and added some positive points to my Karma bank.

 

If you want to read this and laugh at me, because I am a freak and belong in the side show as a bearded lady, knock yourself out. That doesn't make me any less of a person, but I can't say the same for you. If you read this and you know someone who is hirsute, PLEASE share it. We are NOT alone! Do a search on Google or even Pinterest for Hirsutism and a million links come up. We shouldn't have to hide, but we do, because society says that women should be hair free. We shouldn't have to torture ourselves finding different ways to remove the hair that nature put there for a reason.

 

Personally, I know I'll never feel comfortable enough to leave the house without shaving. I wish I had half the self confidence of Balpreet Kaur, she is my new hero. Balpreet, if you read this, Thank you. Thank you for every girl that suffers from hirsutism and is afraid to show anyone who she really is. Thank you for standing up for yourself and giving me the kick in the ass to stand up and say something. You are amazing and I wish you lots of good health and happiness.

Mini-vacation

Less than a week until school starts and I'm taking another mini-vacation, before I start the term. Most of my weekend will be spent gaming, but I did get over to the scho ol to buy my books and I took a day trip to Seattle for The King Tut exhibit that is showing at the Pacific Science Center.

Two of my friends and I drove up and had the most wonderful time. We got there early and were able to visit other exhibits, before our window of time for the King Tut exhibit.

I was really excited to find out they had a tropical butterfly garden. It was AMAZING! They had butterflys of every size and in many different colors. They were flitting all over and around us. I couldn't stop taking pictures!

The King Tut exhibit was breathtaking. There all kinds of statues and other artifacts (including a toilet seat, no joke!), again, I couldn't stop taking pictures. There were several rooms to walk through and lots of information to take in.

For lunch, we went to Ivar's Acres of Clams for lunch, my favorite spot in Seattle. It's on the waterfront and has a wondeful view and the BEST scallop appetizer I've ever had. They cold smoke the scallops and serve them with a greens tossed in a vanilla bacon vinaiggrette all on a garlic crisp. Trust me, if you're ever in Seattle, head to Ivar's on the waterfront and get this appetizer!

After lunch we wandered Pike Place Market for a bit, got some more great pics and then headed home. It was a perfect day. Good friends, good food, good weather and a fantastic time at the science center.

Tomorrow, I'm heading out to stay with H and M for the weekend and play all my favorite games. I'm in charge of baked beans for the potluck on Saturday as well as making breakfast both days. I'm going to try out a breakfast casserole recipe. Hopefully it turns out.

Next week, I'll be back in school, almost full time, while working full time, I'm going to be crazy busy. So, I'm going to enjoy this last weekend of fun and good food with friends and lots and LOTS of games!

What makes me happy?

Sunshine
My little beagle, Gavin (I can't think of him without getting a HUGE smile on my face, I love that little dog, more than I ever thought possible!)
The ocean
The M-C family
My friends
Car dancing
Yummy food
A good book
A favorite TV show or movie
Laughter
Cooking
Playing games
BEER!
Cheese
Bacon
Snow Patrol
School
Disneyland
Oneonta Gorge
Ice Cream
Chocolate
Flowers
Herbs
Hiking
Camping
Movie Theatre popcorn
Previews
Eating at gourmet restaurants
Road trips
Games weekend
Being a geek
Grey's Anatomy
Lord of the Rings
Harry Potter
Munchkin
HOCKEY!
Seeing my favorite band in concert
Powell's
The Chinese Gardens
Tea
Wine
Farmer's Markets
Lillian
Beast
Mother's Bistro
The Screen Door
The Melting Pot
The Waffle Window
Hawthorne
Miniature Golf
The waterfront
The MET
Earning an A
Good happy hour
Giraffes

OK, so I know this is kind of a weird, random post, but that's where I'm at right now, a weird random place. All my life, all I've ever wanted was to fall in love, get married and have a baby. I really had no other ambition outside of that. Well, I'm almost 40 and that hasn't happened, it's time I re-train my brain to stop focusing on that and find what REALLY makes me happy.

You'll notice that men, dating and love aren't on the list of what makes me happy, because they don't! I don't need a man or to be dating or to be in love to be happy. A very good friend keeps telling me that I just need to do what I love, whatever makes me happy and to stop worrying about meeting someone. He's right. I KNOW he's right, but damn, I've spent my whole life searching for Mr. Right, it's hard to stop!

That's where this post is coming from. Reminding myself that there is a huge list of things that make me happy and men, love, dating, even sex, isn't on that list. If I never fall in love, get married and have a baby, my world will not end. There is more to life than those things. I need to re-train my brain, do what makes me happy and forget all the rest.

Find what makes you happy. Nothing else matters......

Coastal vacation

Last week, I took a mini vacation to the coast. I spent Wednesday night in Pacific City, it was beautiful. Really a perfect day on the coast. Lots of sun, mild wind and very few clouds.

While I was waiting for my hotel room to be ready, I took both my dogs, Gavin and Rikki, for a nice long walk on the beach. I have never been able to take Gavin off the leash for fear he'd run away, but I thought I'd give it a try, dogs need to be able to run on the beach. I made sure he knew that I had lots of treats and then let him go.

He did great, I was so impressed. He came back when I called. It made me really happy. I still don't trust him 100%, but I was fully preparing myself to lose my dog. The fact he came back when called the first time, most of the time, is a really big deal.

Thursday morning, we got up went for an hour long walk on the beach and then got in the car and headed south to Coquille, where my dad lives. It was a really nice drive. Gavin does GREAT in the car. He rarely whines and mostly just lays down and sleeps in the seat. Rikki on the other hand whines constantly and if I have to get out of the car and leave her, even if it's just a couple minutes, she has a fit. She barks, whines, completely flips out and throws herself in to her crate (I have to make her ride in her crate in the car, otherwise, she'll hurt herself trying to get out of the car every time I stop). Thankfully, I only had to stop once during the four hour drive. Bladder of steel, I have not.

I had a great visit with my dad. We went to the West Coast Wild Animal Park in Bandon, had the most amazing drinking chocolate ever and capped the day off with seafood buffet at the Mill Casino. I wasn't planning on gambling much, but we had a 30 minute wait for dinner and I some cash, so played a few machines with no success, until I played the Lord of the Rings machine. Within ten minutes, I was up $40, another ten minutes and I was up $60. That was good enough for me. I walked in to the casino with $50 and walked out with $90. Not too shabby.

Saturday, I got up early to drive home. The four and a half hour drive went by pretty fast, but I was exhausted by the time I got home.

Next trip I take, I won't do anywhere near as much driving, but other than all the time spent in the car, it was a great trip!

Practice what you preach

Things are so much easier said than done. I have certain motto's that I live by, one of them is treat others how you want to be treated. Today, a very good friend of mine was getting on my case about something and at first I was really pissed at her for getting all up in my business. Then I thought about it and thought some more and then I realized she was right.

If I truly believe in people treating others how they want to be treated, than I am breaking my own rule. I need to practice what I preach. If I don't give it, than how can I get it in return?

It's not that simple and it won't be easy, but I firmly believe that it's better to be open and honest, then hiding your true feelings. Now I have to put that in to practice and do what I believe, treat as I want to be treated.

It will be difficult and it might hurt, but I have to do it. Otherwise, I'm a hypocrite and I can't stand hypocrites!

Summer break is here. WOOT!

I can't even tell you how excited I am to be on break for two months! I've tried not to plan too much, so I can really enjoy my time off. This last weekend, I had no plans on Friday, I stayed in and read a book and watched some Netflix. Saturday, I met up with some friends for a Greek Fest, then a barbecue and several rounds of Mah Jongg. Sunday I had a migraine coming on, so I stayed in and read and watched movies, I even had a nap.

NO HOMEWORK! It was the perfect weekend!

Coming up, another laid back weekend. Gaming on Friday, food cart lunch on Saturday, small barbecue on Saturday night, then nothing on Sunday, except maybe a massage :)

Oh and NO HOMEWORK!

In a couple weeks, I have a trip planned to the beach and to visit my dad and his new wife on the Southern Oregon coast. Should be a nice trip and again, there will be NO homework :D

I am pretty sure that by the time fall term gets here, I'll be ready to back to school, but right now, I don't even want to think about it. I want to enjoy my time off and see all my friends, before the madness starts again :)

The Streak Continues

Three terms, five classes, five A's :) I am really proud of myself that I have been so successful in school. This is a huge accomplishment and really big boost to my ego.

I still have a long road to go for my degree, but I am confident that I will be able continue my successes. I am motivated to be a great student and get straight A's all the way through. It's not easy working full time and going to school, but I have faith in myself, I can do this!

Someday I will be a parent....

I will not see my child as a burden, but as a gift.

I will not neglect my child, because I have better things to do like play video games, get high, get drunk, go out with friends, party, get my nails done, etc..... Spending time with my child will be the best, most important thing I ever do.

I will not take a vacation from my child, rather my child and I will take fabulous vacations together. Even if it's just camping out in the backyard, it will be fabulous!

I will not have so many children that I can't give each child the attention they need and require. I will feel so blessed to have one child, if I'm lucky enough to have two, I will bend over backwards to make sure both feel loved, wanted and protected.

I will not abuse my child physically, emotionally or any other way.

I will not complain to any one and every one about how horrible my children are or how tired I am of them. Our children are a reflection of us, if they're horrible, that's our own doing.

I will read to my children, play with them, study with them, cook for them/with them, spend as much time as I can with them.

Will it be easy? No. Will it be perfect? No. Will I make mistakes? Yes.

Will it be worth it? EVERY MINUTE!

I am not a parent, but I want to have a child more than I want anything else in the world. I am fortunate to have many friends who are wonderful examples of how good parents should be, but unfortunately, I know just as many people who can barely take care of themselves, let alone their child or children. It makes me really sad and frustrated beyond belief.

I have been trying to write this blog for days, but it was so negative, nothing was coming out. I think finally I said what I needed to say and said it the right way. If you're one of the bad parents I'm talking about, it's not too late, you can make it right. Please, for the love of your child, fix it now, before it's too late!!!

 

 

My current music addictions....

Heart on Fire by Scars on 45. I heard this song for the first time and was mesmerized. Love it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0vdhcXfu8Q

Tattoo by Jordin Sparks. This is an older song that I have rediscovered. Fits me lately.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCeuexPgeSU

Love the way you lie, by Eminem. I've been a fan of Eminem for a long time, this is a new one from him. I can't get enough of it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uelHwf8o7_U

Wild Ones by Flo Rida. This song gets stuck in my head and won't leave. Great song to dance to :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpOR_HuHRNs

Llorando by Rebekah Del Rio from the movie Mulholland Drive. Very powerful song. She has such an amazing voice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAbmfVzPHFg

Breath of Life by Florence + the Machine from Snow White and the Huntsmen. Love the movie, LOVE the song!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ROtBbOcdFxo

Refreshed and renewed

I just had the most wonderfully relaxing vacation and I feel like a new person. There was nowhere I had to be. Nothing I HAD to do. It was perfect.

Never in my life have I had such a restful vacation. I visited with friends, took a hike, did a day trip to Seattle, ate great food, sat by the pool, slept in, got a massage, got a facial, bbq'd, learned some new games and most importantly relaxed!

Being able to get up when I wanted and do whatever I felt like doing was really therapeutic. Not only that, but visiting with my friends and catching up with people I haven't seen in months or years, was so good for my emotional well being.

The last seven months have been so crazy with work and school, battling depression and a broken heart, I needed "me" time in a bad way. I think I have come to terms with some of my unresolved feelings and gotten over most of my broken heart and depression. I can't go backwards, I can only go forward. What's done is done, I'm going to leave it and walk away. Looking back reliving those feelings, those moments in time, only brings me down.

I want and need to continue these good, positive feelings, because for the first time in months, I feel happy. I am at peace and feeling almost whole and like myself again. It won't be easy, I have this horrible habit of sabotaging myself, but I'm going to do everything in my power to be smart and protect my heart and well being.

The following post was on Facebook today and is just what I need as a reminder to help me continue my happy feelings and be the best me I can be:

Summer is here

Finally, summer has arrived and I'm so happy she decided to arrive while I was on vacation and able to enjoy the beautiful weather.

This week has been wonderful. I've visited with people I don't get to see very often and did some much needed work on my yard.

The best part is that I've been able to sleep in, rest and relax. I feel GREAT. Better than I have in a LONG time! Today I am continuing the rest and relaxation theme and am getting a massage and facial.

As much as I wish my friend would have been able to come and visit, I am thankful he wasn't able to make it this week. I know I wouldn't have been able to rest and relax the way I have been. I would have loved to see him, but honestly, this is better.

The rest of my weekend will be spent visiting with friends and enjoying our beautiful Oregon summer weather :) Next week, I'll be ready to jump back in to work and school with a new attitude!

WOO HOO, yay for relaxing, restful and stress free vacation!

Never give up, never surrender

Life doesn't always turn out the way we expect. When we are 18 years old and our whole life is ahead of us, we have all these hopes and dreams for future and how GREAT life is going to be and then REAL life happens.

My whole life I've dreamt of being a mom, but it just hasn't happened for me yet. I am truly thankful I didn't get pregnant in my 20's, I wasn't ready and would have been a horrible mother. I am also happy I didn't get pregnant in my early 30's, I needed therapy, badly and would have been a horrible mother.

At 39, I realize my window of fertility is closing, but my dream isn't going away. For the first time in my life, I feel like I finally have the tools to be a good mother, but I'm still not ready, not quite yet.

Some friends and family have accused me of giving up on my dream, because I'm not dating or because I'm not out actively looking for a sperm donor, which frustrates me to no end. Let's be clear, I will NEVER give up on my dream of being a mom, but I have to be realistic. Even if I met the man of my dreams tomorrow, who's to say that I'd be able to get pregnant? Considering that I'm almost 40 and have yet to meet the man of my dreams, I have to look at other options, like being a single mom by adoption, foster parenting or even a sperm donor.

I don't really want to be a single mom, but I will be if I have to. If I do decide to be a single mom, whether I find a sperm donor or adopt, right now, I'm not financially stable enough to take care of myself and a child. The main reason I went back to school, was so I could get to a place where, if I have to, I can afford to be a single parent.

I know my friends and family aren't being mean or trying to hurt me, when they question me about "giving" up, they all know how badly I want to be a mother. The problem is no one understands. I don't have anyone in my circle who is going through what I'm going through. Which makes it hard to try and talk about it, because if you haven't been there, you don't know what it's like.

Dating sucks. I either meet jerks or meet "the man of my dreams" and get my heart broken. I'm tired of it and need a break. I might decide to give on-line dating another shot, I might not. That doesn't mean I'm not open to dating, but internet dating wasn't working for me. I know it works great for some people, but I've given it a shot, been on hundreds of dates and I'm burnt.

Being single and trying to make a decision to be a single mom sucks even more than dating and going on bad dates or having my heart broken. If I do as some have suggested and just go out to a bar and have random sex with strangers until I get pregnant, how do I explain to my child who their father is when they're old enough to ask?

If I go to a sperm bank and choose anonymous sperm and get artificially inseminated, how do I explain that to my child, family, friends, strangers? Just bringing it up to family and friends gets me looks of disgust, bewilderment and even laughter, as if I'd joke about something so serious. Is going to a sperm donor and getting artificially inseminated really that horrible of an option? 

I had a friend, who like many others was upset by the thought of me choosing a random donor and made an offer to "donate to my cause", but as much as I love this person I don't think it will ever happen. His girlfriend would NEVER allow it. Which sucks, he's perfect. He is a wonderful person, kind, caring, respectful and would be a great role model for a child to look up to.

If I was able to get pregnant and have a child from his donation, at least when my child was old enough, I'd be able to take them to meet "Uncle B". I could say that "Once upon a time, I loved "Uncle B", but we just weren't meant to be a couple and because  "Uncle B" knew how much I wanted to be a mommy, he gave me the best gift ever and helped me make you."

Since that's not going to happen, I have a couple other guys that I'm close with and could ask, but not until I'm at least half way through school and on my way to making more money.

Someday, I will be a mom, whether it's to a child that I gave birth to or a child I choose, it will happen. I will never give up my dream and never surrender the hope I have to make that dream come true. I want to be a great mom and to be able to give my child a good life. I know it will be rough being a single parent, but if that's what I have to do, I'll do it. Nobody can make this decision for me, nor do they have any right to judge me on how I decide to go about making my dream come true.

Countdown to relaxation

Next week, I'm taking a much needed resting vacation. I will have school Tuesday and Thursday night, but the rest of the week is all about me relaxing and visiting with friends and family.

I had originally taken the week off, because a friend was going to come visit, but his plans changed and he won't be able to make it. I could have canceled my vacation, but I decided to keep it, because I am really burnt out. Too much work and school and not enough FUN!

My fingers are crossed that we'll have some decent summer weather. There are a lot of things I'd like to do outside while I'm off. Working on the yard will be a priority! As well as getting in a few hikes. I have done very little walking this year so far and I need to get my butt out there and get moving.

Just two more days of work and I'll have 9 days off. WOO HOO, bring on the rest, relaxation, good food and good friends :)

Truth

Truth. This brings tears to my eyes. I care, I respect, I love, I try, I am open, I am honest, but it's a two way street and when I get none of that in return, I have to let go. I don't want to and it kills me to go away, but at some point, I have to take the hint. If you're not going to care, respect, love, try, be open and be honest in return, there's no reason for me to stick around. No, I will never stop caring, but I'll take the hint and go.

Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness,
and everything to do with strength.
We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth and value,
but because we finally realize our own.
— Unknown

And now for some comedy, because I've had enough serious for today:

TRUTH! Of this I am sure. Once a douche, always a douche ;-)

Truth! Kids are fun and love to play and pretend. Don't be a Scrooge and ruin it for them. YOU ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE! Or drink the tea or eat the play-doh, you do it and you will like it :D

TRUTH! Oh my, if I had a dollar for all the things I've read on Facebook that didn't belong on Facebook, I'd be rich!

Absolute TRUTH! I am awesome and so are you! You might not think it or feel it, but you are, I guarantee it. Believe in yourself!

Straight A Student

I got my grades back for spring term and once again, I got straight A's :) WOO HOO!

My business class was my hardest yet and I was really worried. We covered a lot of new material, did a lot of reading, A LOT, plus had 2 group projects.

I have a great sense of pride and accomplishment in achieving that A.

Next up, summer term. I'm only taking one 5 week class, accounting, then I'll have two months off. My instructor has already been emailing everyone to let them know it will be a tough class and to be ready. I've already started reading the book and doing the exercises. I want to get this class done and out of the way, I am ready for a two month break!

Happy Birthday to me!

My birthday is fast approaching and this week, I've been doing a lot of reflecting. I actually started writing a really depressing blog about how old I am and how upset I am that I haven't accomplished anything with my life, but then I stopped and took a step back. I started thinking about my life and who I used to be and who I am now and all that I have accomplished, I have no reason to be sad!

I have grown so much and made so many positive changes in my life. Even if I am not where I thought I'd be at this stage in my life, I can't be sad, I am proud of myself for coming this far and overcoming so many things.

This year, alone, I have made so many wonderful, positive changes in my life! I am working full time and am going to school, almost full time. I have a real attainable goal that I am working towards and it feels GREAT!

I broke up with someone that was not treating me well and have now been single for 9 months. Sometimes I feel down and really alone, but every time I think about how it was with him, I know I made the right choice and being lonely or down, is nothing compared to the way I felt when we were together. This is better!

Last summer, I went on 3 major hikes where I hiked 8 or more miles. Something I never thought I'd be able to do, but I did. On the first hike, the 12 mile, Fort to Sea hike, I had an out, I could have given up after 6 miles and gotten a ride back to town, but I didn't. My feet hurt, my blisters had blisters, but I pushed myself and did the whole thing.

If you would have asked me at 20, where I thought I'd be at almost 40, this doesn't even remotely resemble what I thought I'd be doing or where I'd be, but you know what, that doesn't make it wrong. It's my life and as quirky and messed up as some of it has been, it's my life, my journey and I am so proud of where I'm at and how far I've come.

Everything that has happend to bring me to this point of my life has been a learning experience and I'm better for it. Age is just a number, I'm not going to let that number get me down. I'm happy and proud and damn, I look good :)

Dreaming in color

I dream pretty much every night, mostly in color and I remember most of them. Some dreams stick with me longer than others, for whatever reason. The ones where something really traumatic happens and I wake up crying or others are so ridiculously absurd that they stick with me for days.

A long time ago, I kept a dream journal and wrote down all my dreams. I've kind of gone away from that, I just don't have the time, but it was always fun to write them down, then read about them months later. I still remember a dream I had about Annabel the Anaconda from when I was in my early 20's!

This morning, I dreamt of someone I love and was once close to. I can still smell his skin, feel his lips on mine, see the color of his eyes, the dream was that vivid. In my dream, I was so excited to be close to him again, I wouldn't let him go, couldn't stop kissing him. I kept waiting for him to push me away and tell me to stop, but this was my dream and he was just as eager to kiss me as I was to kiss him. He was holding me so tight and wouldn't let go.

I've been awake for four hours and that dream is still with me. I ache for the closeness he and I once had, to feel his skin on mine, to experience that fiery passion that ignites every time we're near each other.

Really though, I don't think the dream was about him, as much as it was about how lonely I've been feeling lately. Monday night, I got a perfect score on a paper and wanted so desperately to call someone and share my excitement, but I didn't have anybody to call. Sucks.

I'm not really "alone" either, I have a huge support system of friends and family, no, it's not the same as having a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner, but right now, all I have are friends and family, which is more than a lot of people have. Someday, I will have a partner, the right one, for now, I am very thankful for all my friends and family. I can't imagine my life without them!

Progress report

Just one more week and spring term will be in the books. I have a couple finals and a group presentation, I'm pretty confident all will go well and I'll get A's in both classes. I'm much more confident about the A in math than the A in business, but I'm optimistic. I always give myself such a hard time and worry about my grades, but I need to stop that, I'm doing really well and have a lot to be proud of.

This term has been extremely stressful, not just because my classes have been more difficult, but work has been more stressful as well. One of my co-workers has been on maternity leave, which has increased my workload. I think I'm doing all right, I haven't had any major meltdowns, but I am really stressed out, on total overload and ready for a break. 

Thankfully, I've been able to schedule some vacation and a couple of long weekends over the next couple of months. I've got two beach trips planned and just one week with nothing planned, which is nice. I've had enough of syllabuses and schedules for a while. 

A year ago, I never would have thought that any of this was possible. Working, going to school and being successful at both. I just didn't think I had it in me, yet here I am, 6 months in and I am so proud of myself for all I've been able to accomplish and really thankful for the support of friends, family and co-workers.

I am far stronger and way smarter than I have given myself credit for. I'm ready to lay the doubt to rest and stand up strong, confident and successful!

Four month drought....

** Warning this blog will be of a sexual nature! If you do not want to know about my sex life, please don't read this! **

For the most part, I don't mind being single, but I really miss the sex. I am a very sensual person and I enjoy sex very much. I am going on four months with no action and I really miss it. I don't just miss the act itself, I miss the closeness, I miss kissing and touching, being touched, the intimacy and the passion.

Last weekend, I was feeling really lonely and depressed, I was a mess. Thankfully, I was able to surround myself with friends, which helped take my mind off things, but this week, back to the normal routine and once again, I'm feeling lonely and so (I hate this word, but don't know what else to say, but) horny.

I've never been the kind of person to just sleep with random people and have one night stands. Not that I haven't ever had a one night stand, I've had 2 and a half (oral sex only counts as half sex ;-) ), while it was sexually gratifying, I feel so bad afterwards, it's not worth it.

Not that being in a relationship would fix everything either. I've yet to meet a guy who can keep up with my sexual appetite. Which, to be perfectly honest, is WAY more frustrating than being alone and going through a drought. Sure it's nice to be in a relationship and have someone there at night to snuggle up to, but when I want sex and he doesn't, I think that's much worse, I'd rather be alone.

I've tried having a f@#k buddy or a friend with benefits, but that never works either. Someone inevitably falls in love and that someone is usually me. Really defeats the purpose, but I've never been able to separate the act of making love and the emotions that go with it.


This isn't even close to my longest drought either. From the age of 25 to 30, I was celibate. I went five years without sex and I didn't die or wither up. Nothing bad happened and I survived to have sex another day.


Sure, there are worse things than being horny (again, I can't express to you how much I hate that word) and it's not the end of the world. Being single might not be what I want, but maybe it's the best thing for me right now.


I just need to be patient, not one of my strong suits, but I'm just going to have to wait it out. I refuse to resort to one night stands and casual sex. I am going to embrace being single and enjoy all my alone time, until someday, I meet the right person worthy of me and my sex.


Until then, let the drought continue, this sex goddess will not let it break her, it will only make her stronger and the sex all the better when the time is right.

More Fabulous Quotes and Sayings

If you have the energy to waste on hating or doubting me, than maybe I can muster up some energy to make you hate me even more :) I'm not doing anything to you that would deserve your hate, anger or doubt, I am just living my life and if that is so offensive to you, keep your damn nose out of my life and my business, then there won't be any way for me to offend you!

The past is the past. I have learned from everything that has happened and grown to be the person I am. I wouldn't change a thing!

My friend sent me the following quote:

"Life is too short to spend your precious time trying to convince a person who wants to live in the gloom and doom otherwise. Give lifting that person your best shot, but don't hang around long enough for his or her bad attitude to pull you down. Instead, surround yourself with optimistic people."

- Zig Ziglar

I struggle with this one. I am a very caring, generous and loyal friend. When I have a friend who is down, I want to lift them up. When I have a friend that has a problem or crisis, I want to help them get through it.  The problem is, I will give and give until I have nothing left and this "friend" has sucked me dry, yet they are still continuing on their path of gloom, doom, drama and crisis. There comes a point where I just have to say "Enough is enough. I love you, but I will no longer be sucked in to your pit of despair. If you love me and value my friendship, you will understand, if you don't, well, then you really weren't my friend to begin with." It sucks, but you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Tough lesson to learn.

The Rules of the Road

My rant for this rainy Wednesday. 

Why don't people use their turn signals? They are on your car for a reason, USE THEM!!!

Why do people ignore emergency vehicles and not stop or even pull over for them? Is getting where you're going, so much more important? I'm pretty sure that whoever is in that ambulance or needing police/fire/medical assistance would have something to say about that.

Why do people stop in the middle of a busy 5 lane street (like SE Stark, SE Division, SE Powell, SE Glisan, where the middle lane is used for turning from) to let people cross the street? I understand it's a nice gesture, especially since there aren't many designated crossing areas on these streets, but when you're in the left lane and stopped, the person coming up in the right lane beside you, might not see that person crossing the street, because it isn't a designated crossing zone, they might not even realize what you are doing and hit the person that are trying to be kind to. Don't do it. The pedestrians should wait to cross when it's safe to do so and there is no traffic coming in either direction.

Bad drivers make me ill and are a huge pet peeve. Be safe, be courteous. You're not the only one on the road with some place to be. The world won't end if you drive safely. Personally, I'd rather drive safe and be five minutes late, than get in an accident or pulled over by the cops. That would cost me much more in the long run than being somewhere later than I said I would be.

OH and while you're out on the road, please keep an extra eye out for our friends on motorcycles. I have several friends who ride and I always worry about them getting hurt.

Please take care and drive safe!

My first B

Last night, I got my business exam back and I only got a B. I know, a B is good, I should be happy, but it's my first grade that's not an A since going back to school, so I'm sorry, but I just can't be happy about it.

This business class has been pretty difficult for me, it's not like my other classes I've taken, where I have complete understanding of the material and getting A's is as easy as breathing.

This class is pushing me to learn and retain things that are just not intuitive for me. Even when I think I have a clear understanding, I'll take a quiz and realize I didn't know or understand the material as well as I thought I did.

No, getting a B on an exam is not the end of the world and as a friend said to me last night, if I was getting a C in the class, I'd be jumping up and down for the B, but I'm not. Up until this exam, I had an A in the class and with only 3 weeks to go in the term, I would like to hang on to that A, please. I realize the likelihood of me going through all the way to my degree with straight A's is very slim, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try my damndest to make it happen!

New Music Friday

Since I got my iPhone, I have been buying tons of new music, here are some songs that I just can't stop listening to and must share!

Imagine Dragons "It's Time", can't get enough of this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d712Th-4y0Q

M83 "Midnight City", this song pumps me up:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aZFcosBTaQ&ob=av2e

The Lumineers "Ho Hey", love the lyrics:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvCBSSwgtg4

The Naked and Famous "Young Blood", love, love, LOVE this song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Olr5Bk7jm3I&ob=av2n

I've also been downloading favorites that I haven't heard in years. iTunes is the BEST :)

Hope you enjoy these songs. Have a great weekend, party on!

Too, two and to

My rant for the day:

In this day of Facebook and the internet with dozens of websites where you can instantly check your grammar and spelling it still amazes me how many people don't know the difference between two, too and to or their, there and they're or your and you're.

I just don't understand how they don't know the difference or that there even is a difference. How is that possible?!?!?!

You have no idea how many times I have to bite my tongue when people do this on Facebook or in a text. I want to correct them SO badly and you know what, I just might start.

I mean, they should know right? It would be helpful them to know proper grammar, wouldn't it?

Raising the rent

I couldn't agree with this more. People are constantly coming in and out of our lives. Friends come and friends go for a wide variety of reasons. People grow together and sometimes they grow apart, it's not right or wrong, it just is.

For me personally, I know fate brought some people in to my life to fulfill a need and when that need was satisfied, they left my life. I am so thankful for those people in those times. They helped me get through some really low points, I don't know how I would have made it through without them.

Fate has brought others in to my life that just belong. I have a dear friend who I met in junior high school, but lost touch with after graduation, for whatever reason, probably some stupid teenage drama. A few years ago, we reconnected via Facebook and even though we hadn't seen each other in almost 20 years, we picked our friendship up, right where we left off. She and I are two peas in a pod and meant to be together. We drifted apart once, I'll never let that happen again. I can't imagine my life without her. 

One thing that I struggle with is letting people go that are causing me harm or unhappiness. I found this saying yesterday and I am going to repeat it every day:

I am a loving, loyal friend, who will do anything for those I love. Unfortunately, some people just don't appreciate that about me. I am not a door mat. I deserve friends to treat me the way I treat them. As much as I hate to raise the rent and kick people out, if they aren't treating me with the love and respect I deserve, they need to go. I do not make this decision lightly, I will worry and second guess my choice for days and weeks. If you really care about me, you'll respect my decision and let me go or you'll work 100 times harder to earn my friendship back. Either way, I did what was best for me, not because I don't love you and value your friendship, but because I choose to love myself and to not grow to hate and resent you for all the love and respect I lavish on you and don't get in return.

I can't go backwards, I can only go forwards.

All too often, I find myself stuck in a loop. Obsessing and worrying about the past and things I can't change. Whenever I realize that I'm in that cycle, I say to myself, "I can't go backwards, I can only go forwards.". Going backwards does nothing, but cause me more pain and stress. It's just not worth it!

I found a new saying today, this is another good one to remember:

Dreams really do come true!

I have been a huge fan of the band Snow Patrol for about 8 years now. My brother suggested I buy their album, Final Straw and I've been hooked ever since.

Yesterday, I was downtown to see their show at the Crystal Ballroom. I had time to kill and went to wander around Powell's Bookstore. While I was there, I ran in to Snow Patrol's lead singer, Gary Lightbody. He was kind of enough to chat and let me take a picture.

I know he loves Portland from interviews he's given and things he's said on his blog. A couple years ago, he recorded an album in Portland with Tired Pony. I have always hoped to run in to him and yesterday was the day! To say I was excited to meet him, is an understatement.

Thank you, Gary, it was lovely to meet you!

After I met him and calmed down a bit, I continued my meanderings through Powell's. Picked up a book (Zombie Pirates) for my friend, Brian. Then I went and headed over to Henry's to meet my friend, Todd, for dinner, before the show.

After dinner, we headed to the Crystal Ballroom and arrived just in time to see the opener, Ed Sheeran. He is AMAZING! Please check him out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4BLVznuWnU

After Ed's set, it was time for the main act, SNOW PATROL!!!

This was my third time seeing them live and they are amazing. It was nice seeing them in a small venue. The sound was good and you could see them really well. The show was really high energy and so much fun! I had the best time dancing and singing along with all the songs. Here are a couple videos I took with my phone. The visual isn't that great, but the sound is what it's important. Enjoy :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pn78eNa4uyU&feature=g-upl

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIP_WQDQXEk&feature=g-upl

My little man

In January, I brought home Gavin, a three year old beagle that I adopted from a friend. At first, I thought maybe I'd bit off more than I could chew, going back to school and bringing a new dog home, but it has actually worked out great and I am so happy to have him.

I have another dog, Rikki, she's a five year old corgi/border collie mix. She hasn't liked me much since my fiance and I broke up. She is VERY set in her routine and moving, not once but twice, really threw her for a loop and upset her greatly. It has really hurt me that she doesn't want anything to do with me, but I've tried everything and she has decided that she'd rather be with anyone, but me. Bringing Gavin home has changed her attitude about me a little bit, now that she has competition for my affections.

Having Gavin has been so nice, he's such a sweet boy and he's so attached to me. I love it. He sleeps next to me every night. If I've had a bad day or am upset about something, it's like he knows and he'll sleep curled up right in my chest as close as he can get.

My friend who gave me Gavin was sure that he'd destroy my house, but aside from a few busted blinds and a screen, he hasn't done anything really destructive. I think the reason he got in to so much shenanigans at his last home, was that there just wasn't enough to entertain him. At my house, he has 2 doggy friends to play with, a cat to chase and a huge backyard to run around in. OH and he has a girlfriend. I have this stuffed dinosaur that he is in LOVE with. He will whine at me until I take her off the headboard for him to "play" with. It is the cutest thing I've ever seen. I keep trying to take video of it, but he just won't cooperate!

Rikki is a major whiner and hates going anywhere in the car. A couple weeks ago, I decided to see how Gavin would do on a little road trip. I took him down to Hawthorne and had breakfast at the Waffle Window. Gavin was a great sport and loved meeting new people. We wandered all over and he seemed to really love it. I had to leave him in the car for a few minutes and unlike Rikki, he was calm, didn't bark and didn't tear up my car.

This last weekend, I had a house full of friends, they all loved him, but he was so worn out, by Sunday night, he just passed out and couldn't be moved for anything!

No, he's not the smartest dog on the planet, as my friend likes to say he's "All shell, no peanut." and he can be really annoying when he fixates on something and won't stop barking, but to say I love my little man, would be an understatement. I love the way he greets me at the door when I get home, the way he prances when he runs, the way he watches TV and when a dog comes on he growls and barks at it. He has been such a wonderful addition to my life, I can't imagine not having him!