In the first ring you have R. He's a really amazing guy, but newly divorced and not ready for serious. We talk almost every day. We have a great time together. I'm really comfortable with him. He's kind, thoughtful, respectful and has a lot of what I'm looking for in a guy, except he's not ready for serious. So, we're taking it one day at a time, enjoying the time that we spend together and we're both seeing other people or trying to at least. I like him, I really like him, but if he's not ready for serious, then I have to keep my options open and I have to date other people.
In the second ring, are the other guys that I'm dating or talking to and possibly going to be dating. There's CDLC, we're going out on Saturday. We've talked on the phone for a month and he seems like a really nice guy, he hasn't brought sex up at all, which scores him a lot of points. He's from the east coast, a huge hockey fan, loves other sports, loves art and animals, we can talk about anything. He's talks a lot and is a little full of himself, but we'll see how that translates in person.
There was this guy, K, we had sent, maybe 2 emails back and forth, when he decided to tell me how well endowed he was. In that same email he was talking about how he was looking for a true friend, he's family oriented, loves animals, and that he's chivalrous. Hmmm, I was curious and said so, but didn't acknowledge that he'd talked about his package and asked him a few other questions. His next email was all about how I should be curious, any woman would be and every woman should have a chance to be with someone who's really well endowed at least once in their life.
HAH! I had to laugh at that one. I told him that I had been curious about the other things he'd said in his email, not that. That I had been with a well endowed man before and it's not the size of the tool, it's how he uses it. That seemed to intimidate him and I haven't heard from him since. Go figure;-)
Yesterday, A contacted me and would like to meet. He's an English professor, born in France (he speaks French:D), raised on the east coast. From the few conversations we've had, he seems like a great guy. He knows hockey, loves soccer and being outside, wants kids. My one red flag with him is that he's currently separated. I've had bad luck with guys who aren't divorced and are still connected their spouses, we'll see what his situation is.
Also in the 2nd ring are a plethora of guys who contact me just for sex. I get so tired of it, but I don't have it in my to be really rude, so I get creative. More often than not, I tell them how badly I want to have a baby, that tends to get rid of them really fast:)
In the third ring is someone I still have feelings for. I haven't seen him in 2 months, but I still think about him every day. I try to tell myself that we could be friends, that we could make it work. I mean, we have lots in common, we always had fun together, he likes to have a good adventure, but the problem is, I know what he looks like naked and I still want to see him naked. I want to hold his hand and kiss his mouth, I want him to wrap me up in his strong arms and hold me tight. That's why being friends with him really wouldn't work.
That and knowing that he cares about me and that walking away from me was so hard for him. I still don't understand why he let me go. I still have hope that one day he'll wake up and ask himself "What was I thinking???". He won't though, I can hope all I want, but that's not reality. The reality is, he decided that I wasn't a good match for him and that he needed to let me go, before I got even more attached than I already was. We can't be friends, because I'd always be waiting for him to realize how truly amazing I am and for him to change his mind and when he doesn't, I'll be crushed all over again.
This is my circus. I chose it. I have thought seriously about being artificially inseminated. I want a baby and I haven't met Mr. Right, so why not make my dream of being a mom come true for myself? I think about it, but I haven't been able to make the phone call to get the ball rolling, because as much as I want a baby, I don't want to be a single mom.
For now, I'll take the circus, the clowns, the juggling acts, the excitement. It can be fun and scary at times, but I want a partner. I want love, I want to have a family and I don't want to do it on my own.
My Match subscription is up in January. If I still haven't met someone, I will keep my account open, but I will also seriously look in to artificial insemination and consider the possibilities of being a single mom. It wouldn't be my first choice, but I have to look at all my options.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
PMS =
Every month, the week before my period, I go a little cuckoo. I get cranky, hormonal and a little depressed, I get all bloated, crave chocolate and salt (sometimes separate, sometimes together), my boobs get so sore and tender, just looking at them makes them hurt, I get super sensitive (feelings wise) and I lose my temper way too easily.
Also, my OCD kicks in really intensely. Yesterday, I was obsessed with chocolate, chocolate covered in chocolate, salty popcorn, chocolate and chocolate ice cream. Today, I was obsessed with making things right with the universe and talking to people that probably don't want to talk to me or hear what I have to say. Of course, I sent out emails and texts to those people and I'm sure I sounded like a jack ass.
9 times out of 10, I don't even realize that I'm not thinking straight until after I've said or done something that I shouldn't have and go, what the f*#k made me do that, then I realize what day it is. Oh yeah, you're not sane at the moment. Please think long and hard before doing or saying some other dumb thing.
I don't mind having a good cry or eating too much chocolate. Bloating and sore boobs are annoying, but they won't kill me. It's the crazy I could do without:(
Also, my OCD kicks in really intensely. Yesterday, I was obsessed with chocolate, chocolate covered in chocolate, salty popcorn, chocolate and chocolate ice cream. Today, I was obsessed with making things right with the universe and talking to people that probably don't want to talk to me or hear what I have to say. Of course, I sent out emails and texts to those people and I'm sure I sounded like a jack ass.
9 times out of 10, I don't even realize that I'm not thinking straight until after I've said or done something that I shouldn't have and go, what the f*#k made me do that, then I realize what day it is. Oh yeah, you're not sane at the moment. Please think long and hard before doing or saying some other dumb thing.
I don't mind having a good cry or eating too much chocolate. Bloating and sore boobs are annoying, but they won't kill me. It's the crazy I could do without:(
Making amends
In the last two years, I've been on a lot of dates and I would love to say I was the perfect date and never treated anyone badly, but I'm afraid that's not the truth. I'm afraid I may have hurt some people.
There were some guys that I never called after the first date. I realize, it's a two way street and they could have called me, but I feel like I'm a bad person, because I didn't call them and I am really glad they didn't call me.
Some guys called. I don't like to lie, but I don't like to hurt anyone either. Instead of saying, I'm not attracted or any one of the reasons I didn't want to see them again, I'd say, I'm not ready to date or that I met someone else.
Sometimes, I'd give them a second date, just to see if something did click. Then when it didn't, I was even more stuck, because usually, they liked me even more after the second date. That was a tough one, again, I don't like to lie and I don't want to hurt anyone. To some of them I'd say, I just didn't feel that spark, then they'd want to be friends. When someone is attracted to you, it's not easy to be friends and thus far in my experience it hasn't worked. (I've even said that to a guy I liked and who broke it off with me, but other than staying friends on Facebook, we haven't seen or talked to each other. It's probably for the best, I really like him and I don't know if I could just be friends, but I wanted to try.)
I feel like I'm getting paid back by the universe and I just want to put it out there that I'm sorry to those that I hurt. I'd go back and apologize if I thought it would help, but if it were me, I wouldn't want some guy coming back weeks or months later, saying sorry, but the real reason I didn't call and I didn't want to date you was that I wasn't attracted or I don't like the way you fidget or I don't like the way you play with your food or that you didn't use your napkin.
There are a few guys who I dated for more than just a date or two that things ended weirdly with and those guys, I'm trying to not necessarily fix things with, but more just clear the air and my conscience.
I feel like once I set things right and fix what I can, then I'll be able to have a fresh start. I will do my best to never leave another guy hanging, I don't like it, so why do I do it? I will be honest and tell someone flat out, I don't want to see you again. If they want a reason, I'll do my best to be tactful, not hurtful. I will treat others how I want to be treated, with honesty and respect. That's the way it should be.
There were some guys that I never called after the first date. I realize, it's a two way street and they could have called me, but I feel like I'm a bad person, because I didn't call them and I am really glad they didn't call me.
Some guys called. I don't like to lie, but I don't like to hurt anyone either. Instead of saying, I'm not attracted or any one of the reasons I didn't want to see them again, I'd say, I'm not ready to date or that I met someone else.
Sometimes, I'd give them a second date, just to see if something did click. Then when it didn't, I was even more stuck, because usually, they liked me even more after the second date. That was a tough one, again, I don't like to lie and I don't want to hurt anyone. To some of them I'd say, I just didn't feel that spark, then they'd want to be friends. When someone is attracted to you, it's not easy to be friends and thus far in my experience it hasn't worked. (I've even said that to a guy I liked and who broke it off with me, but other than staying friends on Facebook, we haven't seen or talked to each other. It's probably for the best, I really like him and I don't know if I could just be friends, but I wanted to try.)
I feel like I'm getting paid back by the universe and I just want to put it out there that I'm sorry to those that I hurt. I'd go back and apologize if I thought it would help, but if it were me, I wouldn't want some guy coming back weeks or months later, saying sorry, but the real reason I didn't call and I didn't want to date you was that I wasn't attracted or I don't like the way you fidget or I don't like the way you play with your food or that you didn't use your napkin.
There are a few guys who I dated for more than just a date or two that things ended weirdly with and those guys, I'm trying to not necessarily fix things with, but more just clear the air and my conscience.
I feel like once I set things right and fix what I can, then I'll be able to have a fresh start. I will do my best to never leave another guy hanging, I don't like it, so why do I do it? I will be honest and tell someone flat out, I don't want to see you again. If they want a reason, I'll do my best to be tactful, not hurtful. I will treat others how I want to be treated, with honesty and respect. That's the way it should be.
Kicking butt and taking names
Since joining the gym at the end of April, I've lost close to 20 pounds and dropped 2 pants sizes. I am looking and feeling great. I'm starting to have actual muscle definition in my arms and not just flab!!!
I want more. I want to lose at least another 20 pounds and to drop another 2 pants sizes.
It's not easy. There are days where I'm tired and refuse to go. There are days where I just dial it in and go through the motions, rather than actually get a good work out.
I'm still going though and to me, that's a huge accomplishment in itself.
Last week, I realized I could use Pandora on my phone to listen to while I work out and that has been awesome! I can just put on the music and zone out while I'm doing my elliptical and weight work out.
I've also started setting goals for myself. Last week, I did a mile on the elliptical in under 10 minutes for the first time. That ROCKED! I even did part of the 10 minutes on level 8 (the higher the level, the more resistance there is). Yesterday, I did a mile in 12min 30sec on level 10. My next goal is to do a mile on level 10 the whole time, in under 10min. I can't wait to see how long it takes to get to my goal!
I also really need to get more serious about my cardio. I need to start burning more fat. For that, I think I'm going to continue in my aqua fit classes, Monday and Wednesday, plus I think I'm going to try another kind of cardio class. Maybe a step or aerobic dance. Those classes scare me, all the people in them are fit and really good at it, I think I'll be awkward and it will take me a while to get the hang of it, but I also think they'll be a lot of fun!
The best part about working out, I feel great. I look even better. Watching my body change is really exciting. Seeing how much better my clothes fit and getting to try on different sizes at the store is so much fun!!!
I want more. I want to lose at least another 20 pounds and to drop another 2 pants sizes.
It's not easy. There are days where I'm tired and refuse to go. There are days where I just dial it in and go through the motions, rather than actually get a good work out.
I'm still going though and to me, that's a huge accomplishment in itself.
Last week, I realized I could use Pandora on my phone to listen to while I work out and that has been awesome! I can just put on the music and zone out while I'm doing my elliptical and weight work out.
I've also started setting goals for myself. Last week, I did a mile on the elliptical in under 10 minutes for the first time. That ROCKED! I even did part of the 10 minutes on level 8 (the higher the level, the more resistance there is). Yesterday, I did a mile in 12min 30sec on level 10. My next goal is to do a mile on level 10 the whole time, in under 10min. I can't wait to see how long it takes to get to my goal!
I also really need to get more serious about my cardio. I need to start burning more fat. For that, I think I'm going to continue in my aqua fit classes, Monday and Wednesday, plus I think I'm going to try another kind of cardio class. Maybe a step or aerobic dance. Those classes scare me, all the people in them are fit and really good at it, I think I'll be awkward and it will take me a while to get the hang of it, but I also think they'll be a lot of fun!
The best part about working out, I feel great. I look even better. Watching my body change is really exciting. Seeing how much better my clothes fit and getting to try on different sizes at the store is so much fun!!!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Happiness is.....
If I would have had any idea how good I would feel by writing a blog, I would have done it ages ago. I feel so much better, purging the bad gunk and making room for all the happy thoughts and I do have happy thoughts, lots of them!
Here are some things that make me happy:
Purple and orange
Chocolate peanut butter cupcakes from Bella Cupcake
Giraffes
Watching hockey
Babies:D
Dogs (my crazy dog, most of all)
My friends and family
When someone you really like calls or texts unexpectedly (especially when you know they are really busy, yet they take the time to call to say hi or text when they hate texting on their phone)
Finishing a great book
Sunday dinners with mom (my personal favorite is her pot roast)
Carmelized onions and bacon
A favorite song
My pretty painted toe nails
Fairies
Working out
The Farmer's Market
Singing and dancing in the car
Putting a smile on someone else's face
Random acts of kindness
Paying it forward
The perfect day at the beach
Getting to sleep in
A kiss that makes you weak in the knees
Slow dancing in the kitchen with someone special
Being with someone who lets you be you
Trust
I could keep going on and on. Writing this, makes me happy. I've been trying to write this for the last few days, but there was dark in me and it needed to get out. Now that it's out, there is room for all these happy warm thoughts. HURRAY!
Here are some things that make me happy:
Purple and orange
Chocolate peanut butter cupcakes from Bella Cupcake
Giraffes
Watching hockey
Babies:D
Dogs (my crazy dog, most of all)
My friends and family
When someone you really like calls or texts unexpectedly (especially when you know they are really busy, yet they take the time to call to say hi or text when they hate texting on their phone)
Finishing a great book
Sunday dinners with mom (my personal favorite is her pot roast)
Carmelized onions and bacon
A favorite song
My pretty painted toe nails
Fairies
Working out
The Farmer's Market
Singing and dancing in the car
Putting a smile on someone else's face
Random acts of kindness
Paying it forward
The perfect day at the beach
Getting to sleep in
A kiss that makes you weak in the knees
Slow dancing in the kitchen with someone special
Being with someone who lets you be you
Trust
I could keep going on and on. Writing this, makes me happy. I've been trying to write this for the last few days, but there was dark in me and it needed to get out. Now that it's out, there is room for all these happy warm thoughts. HURRAY!
Forgive and forget
That's what they say, right? Forgive and forget. Move on. Someone commented the other day to not focus so much on those that have hurt me, I agree, I shouldn't be focusing on them. I want to move forward and focus on the positive, but I need to acknowledge the hurt, so I can move on with the healing. I'm not writing this blog to have my own little pity party, oh woe as me, my life sucks. That's not what I want at all. I want to get rid of the darkness and let in all the happiness, light, love, positive and serenity that I can.
The whole point of this blog was to get my feelings out of me. I've had a lot of darkness inside me and I wanted to write it all down and get it out of my head and so far, it's worked great. It's been very cathartic, purging these thoughts and feelings. The other day, I wrote a line in a blog that talked about forgiving the people that hurt me and not holding any anger towards those people. It felt great to write that, like I was getting rid of all the hurt and would finally be free.
As soon as that line was written and the blog was posted, instead of feeling better, I felt worse. I didn't understand it, then I realized that there's one person I still have anger towards and I don't forgive them.
J had been my best friend for 7 years when my fiance fell in love with her. I still can't believe it. I can't believe that someone I trusted with my life, who I shared everything with would let that happen. I have no doubt in my mind she let it happen. I started sharing my concerns about his feelings for her as soon as things started getting weird, but she always had some excuse as to why she couldn't stop talking to him or some way to turn it back on me, that made me think that I was being jealous or crazy and that nothing was going on.
Something was going on. Everything in my gut said so.
Both J and C tried really hard to convince me that I was a crazy, jealous bitch and for a long time, I believed them. Thankfully, through therapy, I realize that yes, I may not have handled the situation the best at times, there were things I said that I would take back if I could, but that it wasn't me who was doing something wrong. They were.
It's not normal for a guy with a fiance and a girl who is married to go on over night dates and stay in the same hotel room with each other, while leaving their significant others at home. Once, OK, sure I'll give them that, but to plan regular overnight trips, no, not normal. In the last year of our relationship, C and J went on at least 3 such trips.
At first, I thought C just had a crush on J, he talked about her nonstop, but then he started talking to her more and more and spending more time with her and was constantly making plans with just her that didn't include me or her husband. Towards the end it was so bad, he'd come home from hanging out with her and I couldn't get him to kiss me or even have sex.
I should have listened to my gut sooner, but I loved him and I trusted her. So, I kept going that way, believing I must be crazy til I finally hit a wall and couldn't take it any more.
Leaving him and losing her as my friend was for the best. They were both negative cancerous people and needed to be cut from my life.
Over a year after the break up, I heard they were together and dating. Not from him, not from her, from other friends. C recently apologized and told me that he had been infatuated with her. That now he knew she was a psycho and he felt really bad for everything that happened. He is sorry, he knows he made a mistake. I can forgive him.
Her, I can't forgive. I'm sorry, if a friend came to me and told me they thought their husband or boyfriend had a crush on me, I guarantee, I wouldn't talk to him every day and I sure as hell wouldn't be going on any overnight trips with just me and him! I know I should forgive her. I know it will help me heal and move on, but I just can't. She knew me inside and out. She knew exactly what to say, what buttons to push.
I've spent a lot of time mourning the loss of my love and working on healing the hurt from that, but not of my friend. I spend a lot of time pretending she doesn't exist, doesn't have a name. I want to move on, I want to heal. I know forgiving her is a powerful thing and I want to, I just can't make myself say those words for her.
I lied. I don't forgive all the people who've hurt me. I forgive everyone but her. I'm not ready, I'm not sure I ever will be. People have told me to just let go, I want to and I would if I could. My hope is that in writing this and getting it out of me, that I'm one step closer to forgiving her. I know it's what I need to do, I'm trying. Really, I am.
The whole point of this blog was to get my feelings out of me. I've had a lot of darkness inside me and I wanted to write it all down and get it out of my head and so far, it's worked great. It's been very cathartic, purging these thoughts and feelings. The other day, I wrote a line in a blog that talked about forgiving the people that hurt me and not holding any anger towards those people. It felt great to write that, like I was getting rid of all the hurt and would finally be free.
As soon as that line was written and the blog was posted, instead of feeling better, I felt worse. I didn't understand it, then I realized that there's one person I still have anger towards and I don't forgive them.
J had been my best friend for 7 years when my fiance fell in love with her. I still can't believe it. I can't believe that someone I trusted with my life, who I shared everything with would let that happen. I have no doubt in my mind she let it happen. I started sharing my concerns about his feelings for her as soon as things started getting weird, but she always had some excuse as to why she couldn't stop talking to him or some way to turn it back on me, that made me think that I was being jealous or crazy and that nothing was going on.
Something was going on. Everything in my gut said so.
Both J and C tried really hard to convince me that I was a crazy, jealous bitch and for a long time, I believed them. Thankfully, through therapy, I realize that yes, I may not have handled the situation the best at times, there were things I said that I would take back if I could, but that it wasn't me who was doing something wrong. They were.
It's not normal for a guy with a fiance and a girl who is married to go on over night dates and stay in the same hotel room with each other, while leaving their significant others at home. Once, OK, sure I'll give them that, but to plan regular overnight trips, no, not normal. In the last year of our relationship, C and J went on at least 3 such trips.
At first, I thought C just had a crush on J, he talked about her nonstop, but then he started talking to her more and more and spending more time with her and was constantly making plans with just her that didn't include me or her husband. Towards the end it was so bad, he'd come home from hanging out with her and I couldn't get him to kiss me or even have sex.
I should have listened to my gut sooner, but I loved him and I trusted her. So, I kept going that way, believing I must be crazy til I finally hit a wall and couldn't take it any more.
Leaving him and losing her as my friend was for the best. They were both negative cancerous people and needed to be cut from my life.
Over a year after the break up, I heard they were together and dating. Not from him, not from her, from other friends. C recently apologized and told me that he had been infatuated with her. That now he knew she was a psycho and he felt really bad for everything that happened. He is sorry, he knows he made a mistake. I can forgive him.
Her, I can't forgive. I'm sorry, if a friend came to me and told me they thought their husband or boyfriend had a crush on me, I guarantee, I wouldn't talk to him every day and I sure as hell wouldn't be going on any overnight trips with just me and him! I know I should forgive her. I know it will help me heal and move on, but I just can't. She knew me inside and out. She knew exactly what to say, what buttons to push.
I've spent a lot of time mourning the loss of my love and working on healing the hurt from that, but not of my friend. I spend a lot of time pretending she doesn't exist, doesn't have a name. I want to move on, I want to heal. I know forgiving her is a powerful thing and I want to, I just can't make myself say those words for her.
I lied. I don't forgive all the people who've hurt me. I forgive everyone but her. I'm not ready, I'm not sure I ever will be. People have told me to just let go, I want to and I would if I could. My hope is that in writing this and getting it out of me, that I'm one step closer to forgiving her. I know it's what I need to do, I'm trying. Really, I am.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Fortune Cookie Wisdom
One of my favorite parts of having Chinese food is the fortune cookie, here are some of my favorite fotunes:
Risk may cause failure, but success cannot come without it.
Others take notice of your radiance. Share your happiness (OK, I can't help but say IN BED, after that one:D )
Your dream will come true when you least expect it.
Now is time for peace in your life. Go along with other's ideas.
Risk may cause failure, but success cannot come without it.
Others take notice of your radiance. Share your happiness (OK, I can't help but say IN BED, after that one:D )
Your dream will come true when you least expect it.
Now is time for peace in your life. Go along with other's ideas.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Quotes and sayings
The following are quotes and sayings that mean a lot to me. When I'm feeling down or lost or like I'm losing hope, I read these and they help me.
"Before you can accomplish something, you must expect it of yourself." On the wall at the gym.
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so eventually you learn to trust no one but yourself and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together." Marilyn Monroe
"I can't go backwards, I can only go forwards." This is something I say to myself when I get stuck thinking about the past.
"Enjoy the little things, for one day, you may look back and discover they were big things." Unknown
"When one door of happines closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." Helen Keller
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams". Eleanor Roosevelt
"Before you can accomplish something, you must expect it of yourself." On the wall at the gym.
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so eventually you learn to trust no one but yourself and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together." Marilyn Monroe
"I can't go backwards, I can only go forwards." This is something I say to myself when I get stuck thinking about the past.
"Enjoy the little things, for one day, you may look back and discover they were big things." Unknown
"When one door of happines closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." Helen Keller
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams". Eleanor Roosevelt
I believe
Why is it that I have such a hard time letting go? Why when a relationship ends, can't I just walk away and be free?
Why am I constantly haunted by thoughts of what I could have, should have done or said? What could have been and what's not?
Why do I hang on to the hope that even though they chose to walk away, chose to leave me, to hurt me, that they'll wake up one day and realize that they miss me, still love me and that they'll come back to me?
I open my heart and trust, I let people in. I let people in and they hurt me. People ask why do I keep opening up, why do I let people in and open myself up to be hurt?
I believe that there is a reason for all the heartbreak I've been through. I believe that some day I will find love again, I will find a man who loves me just as much as I love him. That there will be a man who wants to share his life with me, wants to have a family with me, who wants to dance with me on the good days and who will hold me and comfort me on the bad ones.
I believe in love. I believe that it's better for me to put myself out there and open myself up to the hurt, than to close myself off and be alone.
To the people who have hurt me, I forgive you. Because of the hurt, when love finally finds me, when that man walks into my life and sweeps me off my feet, I will cherish every second of our lives together. I will remember that hurt and have an even greater appreciation for the love that I have found.
To the people who have hurt me, it wasn't all your fault. I let you in, I made a choice. It's not all your fault.
To the people who have hurt me, thank you. I have learned something from each and every one of you. I have learned to be a better person. I have learned to trust my instincts. I have learned to open my heart and feel, the good and the bad. I have learned that I'm a really beautiful person inside and out.
To the people who have hurt me, I believe there is a reason you came in and out of my life and I have no anger or hate towards you for hurting me. Just as I believe there is a reason that you were in my life, I believe there's a reason I was in yours.
To the people who have hurt me, I believe in love. You can't take that away from me. I will find love and I will live happily ever after.
Why am I constantly haunted by thoughts of what I could have, should have done or said? What could have been and what's not?
Why do I hang on to the hope that even though they chose to walk away, chose to leave me, to hurt me, that they'll wake up one day and realize that they miss me, still love me and that they'll come back to me?
I open my heart and trust, I let people in. I let people in and they hurt me. People ask why do I keep opening up, why do I let people in and open myself up to be hurt?
I believe that there is a reason for all the heartbreak I've been through. I believe that some day I will find love again, I will find a man who loves me just as much as I love him. That there will be a man who wants to share his life with me, wants to have a family with me, who wants to dance with me on the good days and who will hold me and comfort me on the bad ones.
I believe in love. I believe that it's better for me to put myself out there and open myself up to the hurt, than to close myself off and be alone.
To the people who have hurt me, I forgive you. Because of the hurt, when love finally finds me, when that man walks into my life and sweeps me off my feet, I will cherish every second of our lives together. I will remember that hurt and have an even greater appreciation for the love that I have found.
To the people who have hurt me, it wasn't all your fault. I let you in, I made a choice. It's not all your fault.
To the people who have hurt me, thank you. I have learned something from each and every one of you. I have learned to be a better person. I have learned to trust my instincts. I have learned to open my heart and feel, the good and the bad. I have learned that I'm a really beautiful person inside and out.
To the people who have hurt me, I believe there is a reason you came in and out of my life and I have no anger or hate towards you for hurting me. Just as I believe there is a reason that you were in my life, I believe there's a reason I was in yours.
To the people who have hurt me, I believe in love. You can't take that away from me. I will find love and I will live happily ever after.
Thunderbirds 4 - Winterhawks 1
Last year, the Hawks beat Seattle every game. This year, game one went to the Thunderbirds, 4 to 1. It was still a great game, still great to watch hockey again.
At first, I was really concerned, our team came out with no fire, it was almost like they were a little lost. Towards the end of the first period though, they started to be more aggressive and had a few good scoring chances.
Even though they lost, I think the Hawks played a good game. They had some great scoring chances, but Seattle's goalies was on FIRE!
My only complaint about watching a game in Seattle is the constant "Portland sucks" chant. I realize the Portland/Seattle rivalry is a long standing one and that both teams and fans hate each other, but really, Portland sucks? Especially last year when Portland beat Seattle in every game, who really sucked?
When Seattle comes to Portland, we have no such chant. When I see Seattle fans on the concourse or coming and going from the arena I never yell at them to "Go Home" (I heard this at least 5 times last night from various Seattle fans). What is wrong with these people?
I consider myself to be a good fan. I never boo, I never say another team sucks. I for sure NEVER put down the other team's fans, never, EVER. I treat them how I want to be treated!
Not all Seattle fans are bad, I met some really nice ladies last night as we were walking in and I have a really good friend who is a Seattle fan. I've met other good fans through out the years, as well as some REALLY bad ones.
My friend and I were talking about it after the game. If you look at the Winterhawks history, we've won 2 Memorial Cups and had a lot of success through out the years, Seattle hasn't had that. He and I both think that maybe the Portland fans are nicer, because we've had a consistently better team through out the years and that the Seattle fans aren't so nice, because their team hasn't been as successful.
It's just a thought.....
At first, I was really concerned, our team came out with no fire, it was almost like they were a little lost. Towards the end of the first period though, they started to be more aggressive and had a few good scoring chances.
Even though they lost, I think the Hawks played a good game. They had some great scoring chances, but Seattle's goalies was on FIRE!
My only complaint about watching a game in Seattle is the constant "Portland sucks" chant. I realize the Portland/Seattle rivalry is a long standing one and that both teams and fans hate each other, but really, Portland sucks? Especially last year when Portland beat Seattle in every game, who really sucked?
When Seattle comes to Portland, we have no such chant. When I see Seattle fans on the concourse or coming and going from the arena I never yell at them to "Go Home" (I heard this at least 5 times last night from various Seattle fans). What is wrong with these people?
I consider myself to be a good fan. I never boo, I never say another team sucks. I for sure NEVER put down the other team's fans, never, EVER. I treat them how I want to be treated!
Not all Seattle fans are bad, I met some really nice ladies last night as we were walking in and I have a really good friend who is a Seattle fan. I've met other good fans through out the years, as well as some REALLY bad ones.
My friend and I were talking about it after the game. If you look at the Winterhawks history, we've won 2 Memorial Cups and had a lot of success through out the years, Seattle hasn't had that. He and I both think that maybe the Portland fans are nicer, because we've had a consistently better team through out the years and that the Seattle fans aren't so nice, because their team hasn't been as successful.
It's just a thought.....
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Tonights the night
Going to my first game of the WHL season tonight. Winterhawks VS Thunderbirds in Kent. A really good friend and I are driving up, it's a BEAUTIFUL day, warm and sunny:) Most game days, you're lucky if it's not pouring down rain, so I'm going to soak up as much of this as I can!
I went to the gym this morning to get my work out in for the day, since I know I'll be too tired tomorrow to want to go. I am so proud of myself, I did a mile on the elliptical in under 10 minutes. That's the best I've ever done!!! I know it's because I'm SOOOO excited for the game tonight!!!
The first game of the season, there's nothing better. I can hear the roar of the crowd in my head. The sound of the skates on the ice. The bodies hitting the glass. Oh yeah, hockey season is here and I'm PUMPED!
I went to the gym this morning to get my work out in for the day, since I know I'll be too tired tomorrow to want to go. I am so proud of myself, I did a mile on the elliptical in under 10 minutes. That's the best I've ever done!!! I know it's because I'm SOOOO excited for the game tonight!!!
The first game of the season, there's nothing better. I can hear the roar of the crowd in my head. The sound of the skates on the ice. The bodies hitting the glass. Oh yeah, hockey season is here and I'm PUMPED!
Friday, September 24, 2010
Signs and superstitions
Sometimes, I can be a little superstitious, but I don't let it rule my life. I remember breaking a mirror when I was a little girl and I believed that I was cursed and would then have 7 years of bad luck. I was convinced that every bad thing that happened to me, after I broke that mirror was a direct result of me breaking that mirror! That stuck with me for a LONG time and I was just a little kid!
I don't remember having any other major superstitions as a kid (I never really believed step on a crack break your momma's back, or that opening an umbrella indoors, walking under ladders, black cats crossing your path were really going to cause you bad luck), the mirror one did enough damage. I didn't get over that one til I worked in a custom frame shop and had to break mirrors as part of my job. If I get 7 years of bad luck for every mirror I broke, I'll never have good luck;)
What is luck anyway? I think we make our own "luck" with our positive energy and we create our own "bad luck" with our negative energy.
I am, however, so embarassed to admit that there is a silly superstition, more of a sign really, that when it happens, it always stops me in my tracks.
Are you ready, this is going to make you laugh. Well, it makes me laugh anyway.
The song, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for", by U2, if I'm dating someone or starting to date someone or thinking about someone I am considering dating and I hear that song, I take that as a sign that they aren't the person for me.
Really stupid, huh? I mean, they play that song on the radio ALL the time! If that is my sign and I believe it, I'll never find what I'm looking for!
I've been talking to this one guy for a month, on the phone and email, we have really great conversation and I'm really comfortable talking to him. We are both really busy and finally, after a month of talking, we made plans to meet for our first date. Yesterday, I went to check my email and just as I see there's an email from him, that song comes on my Pandora. My exact thought was, "Oh well, he seemed nice".
What the crap? I haven't even met him yet and believe it or not, I'm considering cancelling our first date, just because I heard that song! Really, really dumb, I know, but that's what I was thinking.
A song, a silly song that I hear all the time, comes on at, I'm not kidding you, the exact moment I see his email and I take that as a sign he's not the one for me, having never met him.
No wonder I'm single! AND no, I'm not going to cancel our first date. I'm not going to let hearing that song taint our first date. We've talked for a month and I have a pretty good idea of the kind of guy he is. I'm going on the date knowing he's pretty cocky and self assured, loves to talk and makes me laugh a lot:)
Our first date is next Saturday, I'll let you know how it goes;)
I don't remember having any other major superstitions as a kid (I never really believed step on a crack break your momma's back, or that opening an umbrella indoors, walking under ladders, black cats crossing your path were really going to cause you bad luck), the mirror one did enough damage. I didn't get over that one til I worked in a custom frame shop and had to break mirrors as part of my job. If I get 7 years of bad luck for every mirror I broke, I'll never have good luck;)
What is luck anyway? I think we make our own "luck" with our positive energy and we create our own "bad luck" with our negative energy.
I am, however, so embarassed to admit that there is a silly superstition, more of a sign really, that when it happens, it always stops me in my tracks.
Are you ready, this is going to make you laugh. Well, it makes me laugh anyway.
The song, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for", by U2, if I'm dating someone or starting to date someone or thinking about someone I am considering dating and I hear that song, I take that as a sign that they aren't the person for me.
Really stupid, huh? I mean, they play that song on the radio ALL the time! If that is my sign and I believe it, I'll never find what I'm looking for!
I've been talking to this one guy for a month, on the phone and email, we have really great conversation and I'm really comfortable talking to him. We are both really busy and finally, after a month of talking, we made plans to meet for our first date. Yesterday, I went to check my email and just as I see there's an email from him, that song comes on my Pandora. My exact thought was, "Oh well, he seemed nice".
What the crap? I haven't even met him yet and believe it or not, I'm considering cancelling our first date, just because I heard that song! Really, really dumb, I know, but that's what I was thinking.
A song, a silly song that I hear all the time, comes on at, I'm not kidding you, the exact moment I see his email and I take that as a sign he's not the one for me, having never met him.
No wonder I'm single! AND no, I'm not going to cancel our first date. I'm not going to let hearing that song taint our first date. We've talked for a month and I have a pretty good idea of the kind of guy he is. I'm going on the date knowing he's pretty cocky and self assured, loves to talk and makes me laugh a lot:)
Our first date is next Saturday, I'll let you know how it goes;)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Think POSITIVE!
I try very hard to live my life as positively as I can. I used to work in a place where I was constantly surrounded by people who had the most negative energy. I let them suck me down into that deep dark place with them and I was MISERABLE!
I can't remember how I got out of that pit of misery that those people had dragged me down into, but I did. It was hard to stay positive in such a negative environment, I finally got fired from that job, because one day, I got so tired of all the BS, I called my boss a liar to her face (she was, I didn't even know how much so, until after I'd left) and she made sure I got fired for it.
Getting fired from that company, BEST thing that EVER happened to me!
Take the negative, turn it into a positive. I got another job right away and I couldn't be happier! This environment is so much better for me. I was meant to be here!
I sometimes wonder if negative people even realize how negative they are or if they have any idea what their negative energy does to the people around them.
Yesterday, someone I used to date and who likes to call himself my "friend" posted a negative comment on my Facebook status. 99.9% of the time I delete his comments right away, because they are usually negative and/or sexual in nature and I don't have time for that. Yesterday, I decided to let this one hang out.
My post talked about the delicious pizza I was going to be making for dinner. His comment to that was "How's the diet going? LOL". Now, I have been working out really hard at the gym and am very conscious of what I eat and I've been doing really well, I look and feel GREAT. I responded and said "Great, actually. I can have pizza, I just can't eat the whole thing. Everything in moderation." His response "Good luck with that."
Within an hour of him posting his initial response, I heard from several friends about how mad they were about what he had to say. My mom even responded and called him a jackass!
I know why he said what he said. He doesn't understand eating in moderation, he doesn't want me to be successful, and he wants to drag me down. I deleted him from my friend list. I don't need that. If he really was my friend, he'd want to support me and he'd have something positive to say!
If everyone would think before they speak, think about not just what they are saying, but how it can directly affect the people around them, thought consciously about having a positive affect on people, maybe we could make this world a better place. OR at the very least, make someone else have a better day with our positive words instead of our negative ones:-)
I can't remember how I got out of that pit of misery that those people had dragged me down into, but I did. It was hard to stay positive in such a negative environment, I finally got fired from that job, because one day, I got so tired of all the BS, I called my boss a liar to her face (she was, I didn't even know how much so, until after I'd left) and she made sure I got fired for it.
Getting fired from that company, BEST thing that EVER happened to me!
Take the negative, turn it into a positive. I got another job right away and I couldn't be happier! This environment is so much better for me. I was meant to be here!
I sometimes wonder if negative people even realize how negative they are or if they have any idea what their negative energy does to the people around them.
Yesterday, someone I used to date and who likes to call himself my "friend" posted a negative comment on my Facebook status. 99.9% of the time I delete his comments right away, because they are usually negative and/or sexual in nature and I don't have time for that. Yesterday, I decided to let this one hang out.
My post talked about the delicious pizza I was going to be making for dinner. His comment to that was "How's the diet going? LOL". Now, I have been working out really hard at the gym and am very conscious of what I eat and I've been doing really well, I look and feel GREAT. I responded and said "Great, actually. I can have pizza, I just can't eat the whole thing. Everything in moderation." His response "Good luck with that."
Within an hour of him posting his initial response, I heard from several friends about how mad they were about what he had to say. My mom even responded and called him a jackass!
I know why he said what he said. He doesn't understand eating in moderation, he doesn't want me to be successful, and he wants to drag me down. I deleted him from my friend list. I don't need that. If he really was my friend, he'd want to support me and he'd have something positive to say!
If everyone would think before they speak, think about not just what they are saying, but how it can directly affect the people around them, thought consciously about having a positive affect on people, maybe we could make this world a better place. OR at the very least, make someone else have a better day with our positive words instead of our negative ones:-)
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Good guys really do exist
There really are good guys and I have dated a few, even the "bad" ones weren't all bad.
Take my ex fiance, for example, if it wasn't for him, I might never have visited the east coast or Ottawa, ON. He was also my first real love. I never knew what love was until I met him. Yes, it ended horribly, but I have no regrets. If I wouldn't have gone through that, I wouldn't have gone to therapy, where I learned a lot about myself and about how to take care of me and to protect my heart.
Last year, I went on a date with a guy who was so sweet and kind. We went to a baseball game and had a really wonderful time. Then he decided to get back together with his ex girlfriend and they recently got married. Congratulations Erik and Kristina, I wish you all the best!
There was SJN, he was a really good guy. We talked for 8 months before we ever met, in that time he became my best friend. If I went more than a week without talking to him, I felt lost. When I first started talking to him, I knew he was just separated from his wife and he was always going between getting back together with her and getting a divorce. When we finally met in person, it was magic. I've never experienced anything like it.
Unfortunately, he then decided to get back with his wife. It really hurt, but I wouldn't change a thing. From what I know, he's really happy now and that's what matters most.
In July, I met a guy who really set the bar as far as good guys go and having met him, I KNOW for a fact that not only do good guys exist, but that there are guys out there who have all the qualities that I am looking for.
BSL has everything I'm looking for in a man. He is honest, kind, caring, polite, respectful, funny, charming, good listener, protective, adventurous, extremely handsome and just an all around good guy.
We went on some really great dates and we took things slow, something that I'm horrible at. It was nice, we were really getting to know each other and after 6 dates, I was starting to fall for him, how could I not, he's such an amazing guy.
After 6 dates, BSL called and said that he decided we weren't a good fit. He'd really struggled with it and he didn't want to go any further for fear of really hurting me. It totally took me by surprise. I thought things were going great and that he really liked me. I know he liked me, but there were just some things he didn't like about me and couldn't get passed.
I have the utmost respect for him and the way he told me and I understand. It is hard, but I do understand. He is a really amazing guy and I wish him nothing but the best and I hope he finds exactly what he's looking for.
Currently, I'm dating R. I mentioned him in my great date blog. Tonight will be our third date and this time, I'm cooking for him.
R is a really great guy. He's kind, sweet, funny, thoughtful, caring, respectul and I don't want to embarass him, but he's extremely good looking. The only bad thing I have to say about him is that he's newly divorced and not ready for serious.
You know, I'm OK with that. He needs fun and honestly, so do I. What's wrong with hanging out with a nice guy who has all the qualities that I'm looking for? If we're both open and honest with each other, I don't see any harm in it.
I have no idea where this will go, I know he's not ready for serious. So, I'm going into this with my eyes open. If we date for a month or several months and we're having fun, and he decides to move on, that's OK, it was fun while it lasted. If on the other hand we date for a few months and he decides he's ready to try serious, well, that's OK too. I have no expectations. It's really refreshing to be dating someone so open and so honest, I just want to have fun and enjoy it!
Who knows what the future holds? All I know is that I'm a great girl and I deserve a great guy. So far, all the great guys I've met, haven't been meant for me, but I know, some day, I'll meet my guy. He's out there, I'll never give up hope of finding him.
Take my ex fiance, for example, if it wasn't for him, I might never have visited the east coast or Ottawa, ON. He was also my first real love. I never knew what love was until I met him. Yes, it ended horribly, but I have no regrets. If I wouldn't have gone through that, I wouldn't have gone to therapy, where I learned a lot about myself and about how to take care of me and to protect my heart.
Last year, I went on a date with a guy who was so sweet and kind. We went to a baseball game and had a really wonderful time. Then he decided to get back together with his ex girlfriend and they recently got married. Congratulations Erik and Kristina, I wish you all the best!
There was SJN, he was a really good guy. We talked for 8 months before we ever met, in that time he became my best friend. If I went more than a week without talking to him, I felt lost. When I first started talking to him, I knew he was just separated from his wife and he was always going between getting back together with her and getting a divorce. When we finally met in person, it was magic. I've never experienced anything like it.
Unfortunately, he then decided to get back with his wife. It really hurt, but I wouldn't change a thing. From what I know, he's really happy now and that's what matters most.
In July, I met a guy who really set the bar as far as good guys go and having met him, I KNOW for a fact that not only do good guys exist, but that there are guys out there who have all the qualities that I am looking for.
BSL has everything I'm looking for in a man. He is honest, kind, caring, polite, respectful, funny, charming, good listener, protective, adventurous, extremely handsome and just an all around good guy.
We went on some really great dates and we took things slow, something that I'm horrible at. It was nice, we were really getting to know each other and after 6 dates, I was starting to fall for him, how could I not, he's such an amazing guy.
After 6 dates, BSL called and said that he decided we weren't a good fit. He'd really struggled with it and he didn't want to go any further for fear of really hurting me. It totally took me by surprise. I thought things were going great and that he really liked me. I know he liked me, but there were just some things he didn't like about me and couldn't get passed.
I have the utmost respect for him and the way he told me and I understand. It is hard, but I do understand. He is a really amazing guy and I wish him nothing but the best and I hope he finds exactly what he's looking for.
Currently, I'm dating R. I mentioned him in my great date blog. Tonight will be our third date and this time, I'm cooking for him.
R is a really great guy. He's kind, sweet, funny, thoughtful, caring, respectul and I don't want to embarass him, but he's extremely good looking. The only bad thing I have to say about him is that he's newly divorced and not ready for serious.
You know, I'm OK with that. He needs fun and honestly, so do I. What's wrong with hanging out with a nice guy who has all the qualities that I'm looking for? If we're both open and honest with each other, I don't see any harm in it.
I have no idea where this will go, I know he's not ready for serious. So, I'm going into this with my eyes open. If we date for a month or several months and we're having fun, and he decides to move on, that's OK, it was fun while it lasted. If on the other hand we date for a few months and he decides he's ready to try serious, well, that's OK too. I have no expectations. It's really refreshing to be dating someone so open and so honest, I just want to have fun and enjoy it!
Who knows what the future holds? All I know is that I'm a great girl and I deserve a great guy. So far, all the great guys I've met, haven't been meant for me, but I know, some day, I'll meet my guy. He's out there, I'll never give up hope of finding him.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Music that makes my world go round
Music is a HUGE part of my life. I can't sit at my desk and work without music. I can't ride in the car and not have a CD in or the radio on. I sing and car dance in my car and I don't care who sees me. Also, I LOVE to sing karaoke, I'm not the best singer, but I do OK and I LOVE it!.
I listen to a wide range of music anything from Snow Patrol (my favorite) to Elton John to Madonna to Lady Gaga to Taylor Swift to Linkin Park to U2 to Presidents of the United States, to Jason Mraz, to Eminem to the Barenaked Ladies to Weezer. I could go on and on, I have very eclectic tastes.
Currently, I'm listening to a lot of Train. Songs such as "About to Come Alive" (this song is so beautifully written, the lyrics move me), "Hey Soul Sister" (I can't help but dance to this song every time it comes on!), "Parachute" (again, amazing lyrics), "Drops of Jupiter" (great song which my good friend, Punky, sings at karaoke all the time, so it's a fave) and "Her Eyes", which is technically by Pat Monahan, the lead singer of Train.
Of course, Snow Patrol, they are my band and there are so many of their songs that mean so much to me. Most of the songs of theirs that I love aren't the main stream ones. Sure, I love "Run", "Chasing Cars" and "Just Say Yes", but my favorites aren't on the radio. Song #1 on their Final Straw album, "How to be Dead", love it. By far, my favorite Snow Patrol song. Their album Eyes Open was my constant companion when my fiance and I broke up. Songs like "You Could Be Happy" and "It's Beginning to Get to Me", I sobbed through those on more than one occassion. One of my current favorites is called "Engines" off their Hundred Million Suns album. It took me listening to that one and finally looking up the lyrics to realize how freaking amazing that song is!
You wouldn't think a song called "Engines" would be romantic, but it is.
I know I love you like the silvered gold of dying days
I know I love you like an ancient history brought to life
I know I love you like the sunlit water on your skin
I know I love you like the million times I never said
I know you love me like the silence of the turning earth
I know you love me like the endless roar of modern of life
I know you love me like the laughter and the kissed back tears
I know you love me like the past the now the coming years
I get goose bumps reading those words. If you haven't heard the song, I think you should check it out.
I am a hopeless, ok, hopeFUL, romantic and I am crazy for a good love song!
Some of my all time favorite love songs, "Could Not Ask for More" and "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain, "Lucky" and "If It Kills Me" by Jason Mraz, "Won't", "Realize" and "Fallen For You" by Colbie Caillat, "Your Body Is a Wonderland", John Mayer. I'm sure there are more, but these are some of my all time favorites.
Another band who's songs speak to me is U2. I can't listen to "Where the Street's Have No Name" without thinking of Everett Silvertips hockey (this was the song they came out on the ice to during their first season). When I hear this song I get PUMPED! "With or Without You", so haunting, so brilliant. My favorite U2 song, "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses", great GREAT song! Again, brilliant lyrics. Gotta love U2!
You know, I could go on for DAYS about music I love. I can't live without it!!!
I listen to a wide range of music anything from Snow Patrol (my favorite) to Elton John to Madonna to Lady Gaga to Taylor Swift to Linkin Park to U2 to Presidents of the United States, to Jason Mraz, to Eminem to the Barenaked Ladies to Weezer. I could go on and on, I have very eclectic tastes.
Currently, I'm listening to a lot of Train. Songs such as "About to Come Alive" (this song is so beautifully written, the lyrics move me), "Hey Soul Sister" (I can't help but dance to this song every time it comes on!), "Parachute" (again, amazing lyrics), "Drops of Jupiter" (great song which my good friend, Punky, sings at karaoke all the time, so it's a fave) and "Her Eyes", which is technically by Pat Monahan, the lead singer of Train.
Of course, Snow Patrol, they are my band and there are so many of their songs that mean so much to me. Most of the songs of theirs that I love aren't the main stream ones. Sure, I love "Run", "Chasing Cars" and "Just Say Yes", but my favorites aren't on the radio. Song #1 on their Final Straw album, "How to be Dead", love it. By far, my favorite Snow Patrol song. Their album Eyes Open was my constant companion when my fiance and I broke up. Songs like "You Could Be Happy" and "It's Beginning to Get to Me", I sobbed through those on more than one occassion. One of my current favorites is called "Engines" off their Hundred Million Suns album. It took me listening to that one and finally looking up the lyrics to realize how freaking amazing that song is!
You wouldn't think a song called "Engines" would be romantic, but it is.
I know I love you like the silvered gold of dying days
I know I love you like an ancient history brought to life
I know I love you like the sunlit water on your skin
I know I love you like the million times I never said
I know you love me like the silence of the turning earth
I know you love me like the endless roar of modern of life
I know you love me like the laughter and the kissed back tears
I know you love me like the past the now the coming years
I get goose bumps reading those words. If you haven't heard the song, I think you should check it out.
I am a hopeless, ok, hopeFUL, romantic and I am crazy for a good love song!
Some of my all time favorite love songs, "Could Not Ask for More" and "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain, "Lucky" and "If It Kills Me" by Jason Mraz, "Won't", "Realize" and "Fallen For You" by Colbie Caillat, "Your Body Is a Wonderland", John Mayer. I'm sure there are more, but these are some of my all time favorites.
Another band who's songs speak to me is U2. I can't listen to "Where the Street's Have No Name" without thinking of Everett Silvertips hockey (this was the song they came out on the ice to during their first season). When I hear this song I get PUMPED! "With or Without You", so haunting, so brilliant. My favorite U2 song, "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses", great GREAT song! Again, brilliant lyrics. Gotta love U2!
You know, I could go on for DAYS about music I love. I can't live without it!!!
GO HAWKS GO!
I love hockey! The WHL (Western Hockey League) season officially starts this Saturday and a friend and I are roadtripping to Kent to see the Seattle Thunderbirds take on my Portland Winterhawks.
My favorite thing about the fall is Halloween and the start of the hockey season. I miss hockey all summer. The smell of the ice (oh yeah, it has a smell), the speed, the skill, the hard hits and most importantly, the fights. There is nothing better than a good clean hockey fight.
I became a hockey fan in the late 90's. The company I worked for had a suite at the Rose Garden and they would give us tickets to events and there were always tickets for hockey.
The Hawks were in the playoffs and my mom and dad really wanted to go, it was free, why not. I had the best time and even though we lost in the finals, I was hooked.
I couldn't wait to start going next season. I became obsessed, I went to every game in the Rose Garden, I went to every event where the players would be, I was a hockey nut.
That first year that I was a fan, we lost early in the playoffs and I was devastated. I wasn't done watching hockey yet, so I started watching the NHL on TV. I didn't know anything about the teams, so I started watching teams that had former Winterhawks on them.
Marian Hossa played for the Hawks and won a Memorial Cup with them. He was playing for the Ottawa Senators at the time. They had an amazing goalie, Patrick Lalime. They became my team.
My favorite part of hockey is the goalie. I have a little bit of a goalie obsession. It's amazing to me what they can do with their bodies, their pads, glove and stick to keep the puck out of the net.
Since becoming a hockey fan, I've traveled to Washington, California and New York state as well as Vancouver, BC and Ottawa, ON for hockey games. When I first became a fan, I would say I went to at least 40 games a season, now I'm down to between 10 and 20.
I've been really lucky and been able to see some of the top players in the NHL, some who started in the WHL. I've seen the Stanley Cup in person and let me tell you, that was one of the greatest, most emotional moments of my life!
I met one of my closest friends, because of our love for the same goalie. Thank you, Lanny. Without you, I wouldn't have met Melo and without her, I'm not sure where I'd be in my life without her, Nella and Banana.
Less than 5 days and I'll be in Kent, watching the puck drop. The smell of the ice, the speed of their skates, the amazing goalie saves. The excitement is building.
GO HAWKS GO!
My favorite thing about the fall is Halloween and the start of the hockey season. I miss hockey all summer. The smell of the ice (oh yeah, it has a smell), the speed, the skill, the hard hits and most importantly, the fights. There is nothing better than a good clean hockey fight.
I became a hockey fan in the late 90's. The company I worked for had a suite at the Rose Garden and they would give us tickets to events and there were always tickets for hockey.
The Hawks were in the playoffs and my mom and dad really wanted to go, it was free, why not. I had the best time and even though we lost in the finals, I was hooked.
I couldn't wait to start going next season. I became obsessed, I went to every game in the Rose Garden, I went to every event where the players would be, I was a hockey nut.
That first year that I was a fan, we lost early in the playoffs and I was devastated. I wasn't done watching hockey yet, so I started watching the NHL on TV. I didn't know anything about the teams, so I started watching teams that had former Winterhawks on them.
Marian Hossa played for the Hawks and won a Memorial Cup with them. He was playing for the Ottawa Senators at the time. They had an amazing goalie, Patrick Lalime. They became my team.
My favorite part of hockey is the goalie. I have a little bit of a goalie obsession. It's amazing to me what they can do with their bodies, their pads, glove and stick to keep the puck out of the net.
Since becoming a hockey fan, I've traveled to Washington, California and New York state as well as Vancouver, BC and Ottawa, ON for hockey games. When I first became a fan, I would say I went to at least 40 games a season, now I'm down to between 10 and 20.
I've been really lucky and been able to see some of the top players in the NHL, some who started in the WHL. I've seen the Stanley Cup in person and let me tell you, that was one of the greatest, most emotional moments of my life!
I met one of my closest friends, because of our love for the same goalie. Thank you, Lanny. Without you, I wouldn't have met Melo and without her, I'm not sure where I'd be in my life without her, Nella and Banana.
Less than 5 days and I'll be in Kent, watching the puck drop. The smell of the ice, the speed of their skates, the amazing goalie saves. The excitement is building.
GO HAWKS GO!
Monday, September 20, 2010
Why are you still single?
I get so tired of people saying to me, you're so great, why are you still single? To me, it's almost like they're saying, not you're so great, but really, what's wrong with you, that you can't find a man?
My friends will tell you, I'm cute, smart, funny, loyal, generous, happy, fun, outgoing, patient, loving, caring, beautiful, a great cook, and would make a great wife/girlfriend for any man. I'll tell you, all those things are true, I'm also sexy, flirty, crafty (I'm good at sewing and making jewelry), impatient, overweight, hirsute (my least favorite quality, look it up, not fun), insecure (mostly when it comes to the hirsute part), confident, obnoxious, sarcastic, and obsessive compulsive (not all the time, but about certain things, yeah).
I don't think there's anything "wrong" with me. I think everyone has good and bad qualities and when you meet the right someone, they'll love you, imperfections and all.
I'm still single, because I'm picky. I'm still single, because I want someone who loves me just the way I am. I'm still single, because I won't settle.
Marilyn Monroe said it best, "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. "
My friends will tell you, I'm cute, smart, funny, loyal, generous, happy, fun, outgoing, patient, loving, caring, beautiful, a great cook, and would make a great wife/girlfriend for any man. I'll tell you, all those things are true, I'm also sexy, flirty, crafty (I'm good at sewing and making jewelry), impatient, overweight, hirsute (my least favorite quality, look it up, not fun), insecure (mostly when it comes to the hirsute part), confident, obnoxious, sarcastic, and obsessive compulsive (not all the time, but about certain things, yeah).
I don't think there's anything "wrong" with me. I think everyone has good and bad qualities and when you meet the right someone, they'll love you, imperfections and all.
I'm still single, because I'm picky. I'm still single, because I want someone who loves me just the way I am. I'm still single, because I won't settle.
Marilyn Monroe said it best, "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. "
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Me and the bad boys
I have a horrible habit of dating the bad boys, guys that aren't right for me, guys that disrespect me and inevitably end up breaking my heart.
Part of my problem is that my dad was not the best example. He lied to me, controlled me, physically and emotionally abused me and I look for guys that do the same.
If I'm going to find my life partner, I need to break that habit. I don't want to go through my life with someone who treats me badly. I deserve someone who loves me and will treat me with respect.
I have made some really horrible choices. When I was in my early twenties, I fell in "love" with a guy who used me and stole from me and my family. I was heartbroken and devastated that I was so desperate that I could let that happen.
During that time, from 20 to 23, I was a mess. I was so desperate to have a man, to be loved by a man, that all it would take is one kiss, 5min of attention from a guy and I was in "love". More than one guy took advantage of that and really, I don't blame them.
At 23, I met a guy who seemed like he might be the guy for me. He had a good job as a mechanic, he was cute, funny and sweet and he said he loved me, this was a first. Unfortunately, he was really bad with money, really immature and just not a very good boyfriend. He drank a lot, a borderline alcoholic I think. He was also a momma's boy and was looking for a woman to take care of him.
I can honestly say, I wasn't the best girlfriend, I had my own issues. I was also bad with money, I was very insecure and I just didn't know how to be a good girlfriend.
It took me a while to realize I wasn't in love with him, I'm not sure if I ever was.
From 25 to 30, I was single and celibate. It wasn't like I made a conscious decision at the time, that's just what happened. I didn't like meeting guys in bars and before internet dating, where else did you meet people?
When I finally started dating again, it seemed like my luck had changed. I met a few nice guys, then met my fiance.
I met C on Yahoo personals. Looking back now, I never should have gone on a second date with him. He didn't want kids, had no desire to be a parent or have a family, that should have been it. I can't even say what it was about him, looking back, it was probably that he was a like my dad, but I couldn't see it.
C was controlling, but not overtly, he was very negative and emtionally abusive. Yet, I was madly in love with him. I would probably be married to him right now, if he hadn't fallen in love with my best friend. That's a whole other story in itself.
After C and I broke up, I went to therapy and I'd love to say I never let another guy control or take advantage of me again, but I did.
Why can't I learn my lesson?
I dated a 25 year old for 3 months, that was so young and so immature and had no money. I had to pay for everything and was constantly taking care of him and helping him with his problems. I was hoping he'd grow up, but that wasn't going to happen as long as I kept taking care of him.
I dated a guy who regularly lied and constantly disrespected me. I believed he could be a great guy, he had so much potential, but you can't change anyone. I'm very thankful he broke up with me.
I fell for one guy who lived 3 hours away. He seemed so amazing at first, except for where he lived. I was crazy about him, all my friends and most importantly my mom loved him. He was seemed so different from any guy I'd ever dated.
Turns out, he was just as bad, lying and disrespecting. How can someone say, "I love you, you mean the world to me" one day, then just leave without saying you're leaving, when you'd promised you'd be there and not call with any explanation for where you went or why? Someone that does that, doesn't love or respect you.
I am making an effort to change my dating style. I am doing my best to take my time, to really get to know a guy and to not overlook it if he's disrespectful or dishonest or doesn't care about having a family. I have to protect myself and my heart, I can't keep up this cycle of being broken again and again.
Part of my problem is that my dad was not the best example. He lied to me, controlled me, physically and emotionally abused me and I look for guys that do the same.
If I'm going to find my life partner, I need to break that habit. I don't want to go through my life with someone who treats me badly. I deserve someone who loves me and will treat me with respect.
I have made some really horrible choices. When I was in my early twenties, I fell in "love" with a guy who used me and stole from me and my family. I was heartbroken and devastated that I was so desperate that I could let that happen.
During that time, from 20 to 23, I was a mess. I was so desperate to have a man, to be loved by a man, that all it would take is one kiss, 5min of attention from a guy and I was in "love". More than one guy took advantage of that and really, I don't blame them.
At 23, I met a guy who seemed like he might be the guy for me. He had a good job as a mechanic, he was cute, funny and sweet and he said he loved me, this was a first. Unfortunately, he was really bad with money, really immature and just not a very good boyfriend. He drank a lot, a borderline alcoholic I think. He was also a momma's boy and was looking for a woman to take care of him.
I can honestly say, I wasn't the best girlfriend, I had my own issues. I was also bad with money, I was very insecure and I just didn't know how to be a good girlfriend.
It took me a while to realize I wasn't in love with him, I'm not sure if I ever was.
From 25 to 30, I was single and celibate. It wasn't like I made a conscious decision at the time, that's just what happened. I didn't like meeting guys in bars and before internet dating, where else did you meet people?
When I finally started dating again, it seemed like my luck had changed. I met a few nice guys, then met my fiance.
I met C on Yahoo personals. Looking back now, I never should have gone on a second date with him. He didn't want kids, had no desire to be a parent or have a family, that should have been it. I can't even say what it was about him, looking back, it was probably that he was a like my dad, but I couldn't see it.
C was controlling, but not overtly, he was very negative and emtionally abusive. Yet, I was madly in love with him. I would probably be married to him right now, if he hadn't fallen in love with my best friend. That's a whole other story in itself.
After C and I broke up, I went to therapy and I'd love to say I never let another guy control or take advantage of me again, but I did.
Why can't I learn my lesson?
I dated a 25 year old for 3 months, that was so young and so immature and had no money. I had to pay for everything and was constantly taking care of him and helping him with his problems. I was hoping he'd grow up, but that wasn't going to happen as long as I kept taking care of him.
I dated a guy who regularly lied and constantly disrespected me. I believed he could be a great guy, he had so much potential, but you can't change anyone. I'm very thankful he broke up with me.
I fell for one guy who lived 3 hours away. He seemed so amazing at first, except for where he lived. I was crazy about him, all my friends and most importantly my mom loved him. He was seemed so different from any guy I'd ever dated.
Turns out, he was just as bad, lying and disrespecting. How can someone say, "I love you, you mean the world to me" one day, then just leave without saying you're leaving, when you'd promised you'd be there and not call with any explanation for where you went or why? Someone that does that, doesn't love or respect you.
I am making an effort to change my dating style. I am doing my best to take my time, to really get to know a guy and to not overlook it if he's disrespectful or dishonest or doesn't care about having a family. I have to protect myself and my heart, I can't keep up this cycle of being broken again and again.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Great date
I met R for our first date on Wednesday. Thursday, our second date, was one of the best I've ever had.
He wanted to cook me dinner at his place. I was a little concerned, he'd told me that he wasn't that great of a cook, so what was he going to make? I'd pretty much decided that I would eat whatever it was he made, I was so impressed that he wanted to cook for me.
When I showed up, there was a really wonderful smell coming from the barbecue, beef skewers, YUM:) On the dining room table there was a container of mixed olives, hummus, and a plate with smoked gouda, pita and triscuits. I couldn't believe it, he had listened to what I had said on our first date, about how I liked eating with my hands and getting to play with my food, so to speak. Wow, this guy is good.
We sat at his kitchen table, enjoyed the food and each other's company, then after dinner, we cuddled on the couch with a movie. It was nice and relaxing and so comfortable.
Sometimes the greatest dates are the simple ones.
He wanted to cook me dinner at his place. I was a little concerned, he'd told me that he wasn't that great of a cook, so what was he going to make? I'd pretty much decided that I would eat whatever it was he made, I was so impressed that he wanted to cook for me.
When I showed up, there was a really wonderful smell coming from the barbecue, beef skewers, YUM:) On the dining room table there was a container of mixed olives, hummus, and a plate with smoked gouda, pita and triscuits. I couldn't believe it, he had listened to what I had said on our first date, about how I liked eating with my hands and getting to play with my food, so to speak. Wow, this guy is good.
We sat at his kitchen table, enjoyed the food and each other's company, then after dinner, we cuddled on the couch with a movie. It was nice and relaxing and so comfortable.
Sometimes the greatest dates are the simple ones.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The gym
I have a love / hate relationship with the gym. As a plus size girl, it can be really uncomfortable going to work out in front of all the pretty people. Mostly though, it's motivation. Being motivated, getting up off my butt to go and put the time in.
I used to belong to one gym, several years ago and I hated it. It was like torture. Walking on a treadmill is one of the most boring things on the planet! Unfortunately, that was really my only option at this gym, that and the elliptical. This particular gym didn't have a lot of equipment options and I had no idea how to use the weight machines.
When I joined, I signed up for 3 years, bad, BAD idea. I was good for maybe the first 6 months and then got bored with it. I went off and on after that for a year, then just stopped all together. What a waste of money!
I didn't quit working out all together, I love walking and would walk all over my neighborhood and around this park near my home at the time. I just couldn't go to the gym and walk on the treadmill, I just couldn't do it!
Several months ago mom and I decided to join a gym together. We could go together and help motivate each other. We chose a gym that has a pool, lots of different equipement and is very quiet, not a meat market, a place we'd both feel comfortable.
I went in very motivated, I didn't have a goal in mind, what was most important to me was to just be healthier. Mom has a weight goal, so she decided to get a personal trainer one day a week.
It's really worked out great. We started out going to aqua aerobics 3 days a week, on the day mom worked out with her trainer, I just work out by myself and then one day a week, we do a little time on the elliptical, then she shows me some of what she's learning from her trainer, mostly how to use the weight machines.
At first I was really motivated and was going at least 5 days a week. That routine lasted for the first month, now I would say I average 4 days a week. I'm pretty proud of myself. I've lost close to 20 pounds and dropped 2 pants sizes. I look better, I feel better and I'm truly enjoying working out.
I'm going to the gym for me, just me, nobody else. If I lose another 20 pounds, great, if not, that's fine. I am a plus size girl and I like it that way:)
I used to belong to one gym, several years ago and I hated it. It was like torture. Walking on a treadmill is one of the most boring things on the planet! Unfortunately, that was really my only option at this gym, that and the elliptical. This particular gym didn't have a lot of equipment options and I had no idea how to use the weight machines.
When I joined, I signed up for 3 years, bad, BAD idea. I was good for maybe the first 6 months and then got bored with it. I went off and on after that for a year, then just stopped all together. What a waste of money!
I didn't quit working out all together, I love walking and would walk all over my neighborhood and around this park near my home at the time. I just couldn't go to the gym and walk on the treadmill, I just couldn't do it!
Several months ago mom and I decided to join a gym together. We could go together and help motivate each other. We chose a gym that has a pool, lots of different equipement and is very quiet, not a meat market, a place we'd both feel comfortable.
I went in very motivated, I didn't have a goal in mind, what was most important to me was to just be healthier. Mom has a weight goal, so she decided to get a personal trainer one day a week.
It's really worked out great. We started out going to aqua aerobics 3 days a week, on the day mom worked out with her trainer, I just work out by myself and then one day a week, we do a little time on the elliptical, then she shows me some of what she's learning from her trainer, mostly how to use the weight machines.
At first I was really motivated and was going at least 5 days a week. That routine lasted for the first month, now I would say I average 4 days a week. I'm pretty proud of myself. I've lost close to 20 pounds and dropped 2 pants sizes. I look better, I feel better and I'm truly enjoying working out.
I'm going to the gym for me, just me, nobody else. If I lose another 20 pounds, great, if not, that's fine. I am a plus size girl and I like it that way:)
My experience with different dating websites
I started using dating websites to meet people about 6 years ago. Previously, I met guys in bars or through other people and never really had a lot of luck.
When I started working for my current company, the owner suggested I give internet dating a try, she'd had success with it, so I thought, what the heck, can't hurt.
I started with Yahoo Personals. I had pretty good success. I went on a few dates, then I met my ex fiance through Yahoo and we were together for 4 years.
When my relationship with Chris ended, I got right back out there. It was probably too soon, but I needed to know that I was desirable, that someone would find me attractive and want to date me.
I got back on Yahoo Personals and this time I decided to try Match.com as well. They have a promotion where if you pay for 6 months and you don't meet anyone during that time, they'll give you another 6 months for free.
The response was overwhelming. I started going on dates and meeting a lot of people. I met some really amazing people and went on some good dates, some not so good, but I'm not sure if it was them or me. I don't think I was really ready to be dating yet and I think I hurt some people and I feel really bad and if I could go back and apologize to all of them, I certainly would.
I used Match for 6 months, didn't meet "the one", so I got my six months for free. I met one guy who I talked to for almost 8 months before we met in person and fell head over heels in love, but it wasn't meant to be (he was separated and after we met, he decided to give it another go with his wife, for the kid's sake, I don't blame him, he's very happy now and that's all I could have wanted for him).
After my year with Match ended, I decided to try another site. A free site called Plentyoffish.com. There is a HUGE difference between pay sites and free sites, I would come to find out. If I have a choice, I'll take a pay site over a free one any day.
If you want to get a lot of response and go on lots of dates, Plentyoffish (aka POF) is great, but in my experience, the majority of guys on there are looking for one thing. They all want sex. Now, not every guy is that way, but from my personal experience, the majority of the guys I met on POF were after one thing.
I had overwhelming response each time I put my profile up on POF, so much so, that I'd put up my profile get anywhere from 10 to 100 emails in the first day or two, then I'd take my profile down, sort through those guys, then put it up again and start all over.
After using POF off and on for 9 months, I decided that I would go back on Match and pay and I'm so glad I did. Since re-joining in July '10, I've been on dates with 8 guys, talked to at least 50 different guys, and I feel like I'm meeting guys that are more my type. They are definitely much more respectful and yeah, some are looking for sex, but they're not so obvious about it.
If I knew of another way to meet guys that worked, I'd be trying that too, but I like the internet dating. You get a good feel for someone by looking at their profile, then emailing a few times before you actually meet them. I find that the longer I talk to someone before meeting them, the more I feel like I know them and I tend to like them more than a guy who I talk to once before we meet, but that's not always the case.
It's not easy being single. It's not easy to date. I go back and forth between giving up and keeping hope that I'm going to find the right guy for me. I don't know that I believe any more that there is a "perfect" person for each of us. More than anything, I think it's about timing.
People tell me all the time, it will happen when you least expect it. What gets me about that is, I want to find Mr. Right, how can I least expect it, if I'm constantly looking? I can stop looking, but I'm on the dating site, guys are looking at me, emailing me, am I supposed to stop talking to them all together?
Sometimes, I'm so confused, I just don't know what I should be doing:(
When I started working for my current company, the owner suggested I give internet dating a try, she'd had success with it, so I thought, what the heck, can't hurt.
I started with Yahoo Personals. I had pretty good success. I went on a few dates, then I met my ex fiance through Yahoo and we were together for 4 years.
When my relationship with Chris ended, I got right back out there. It was probably too soon, but I needed to know that I was desirable, that someone would find me attractive and want to date me.
I got back on Yahoo Personals and this time I decided to try Match.com as well. They have a promotion where if you pay for 6 months and you don't meet anyone during that time, they'll give you another 6 months for free.
The response was overwhelming. I started going on dates and meeting a lot of people. I met some really amazing people and went on some good dates, some not so good, but I'm not sure if it was them or me. I don't think I was really ready to be dating yet and I think I hurt some people and I feel really bad and if I could go back and apologize to all of them, I certainly would.
I used Match for 6 months, didn't meet "the one", so I got my six months for free. I met one guy who I talked to for almost 8 months before we met in person and fell head over heels in love, but it wasn't meant to be (he was separated and after we met, he decided to give it another go with his wife, for the kid's sake, I don't blame him, he's very happy now and that's all I could have wanted for him).
After my year with Match ended, I decided to try another site. A free site called Plentyoffish.com. There is a HUGE difference between pay sites and free sites, I would come to find out. If I have a choice, I'll take a pay site over a free one any day.
If you want to get a lot of response and go on lots of dates, Plentyoffish (aka POF) is great, but in my experience, the majority of guys on there are looking for one thing. They all want sex. Now, not every guy is that way, but from my personal experience, the majority of the guys I met on POF were after one thing.
I had overwhelming response each time I put my profile up on POF, so much so, that I'd put up my profile get anywhere from 10 to 100 emails in the first day or two, then I'd take my profile down, sort through those guys, then put it up again and start all over.
After using POF off and on for 9 months, I decided that I would go back on Match and pay and I'm so glad I did. Since re-joining in July '10, I've been on dates with 8 guys, talked to at least 50 different guys, and I feel like I'm meeting guys that are more my type. They are definitely much more respectful and yeah, some are looking for sex, but they're not so obvious about it.
If I knew of another way to meet guys that worked, I'd be trying that too, but I like the internet dating. You get a good feel for someone by looking at their profile, then emailing a few times before you actually meet them. I find that the longer I talk to someone before meeting them, the more I feel like I know them and I tend to like them more than a guy who I talk to once before we meet, but that's not always the case.
It's not easy being single. It's not easy to date. I go back and forth between giving up and keeping hope that I'm going to find the right guy for me. I don't know that I believe any more that there is a "perfect" person for each of us. More than anything, I think it's about timing.
People tell me all the time, it will happen when you least expect it. What gets me about that is, I want to find Mr. Right, how can I least expect it, if I'm constantly looking? I can stop looking, but I'm on the dating site, guys are looking at me, emailing me, am I supposed to stop talking to them all together?
Sometimes, I'm so confused, I just don't know what I should be doing:(
Yet another first date
In my quest for happily ever after, I go on a lot of first dates. I use internet dating sites (currently I'm using Match.com, I've also used Plentyoffish.com as well as Yahoo Personals, we'll get in to those more later).
Yesterday, a guy emailed me and we started a back and forth email and instant messaging conversation. Looking briefly through his profile, it didn't look like we really "matched", but through our conversation it seemed like we had a lot in common.
We both like a lot of the same music, we both have a romantic side, he was funny, very kind, polite and respectful. The conversation flowed really well. When he asked to meet for dinner, I couldn't say no, I was curious to see if the online chemistry would translate in person.
After he logged off for a meeting, I went back and checked out his profile again and there were a couple red flags I had missed when I initially scanned his profile. One, he's separated, two he has more than 3 kids and probably didn't want more.
Hmmmm, that's a dilemma. In my experience, someone who's just separated still has a lot of drama in their life with their ex and not only that, but I dated a guy who was separated and he ended up getting back together with his wife. Also, I really want to have a baby, something I've always wanted, so if he was dead set against having a child, that wouldn't work.
I thought about cancelling our date, but I really wanted to give him a chance. What if he was the one?
While I was getting ready, he called and he has a really nice voice and on the phone, we still had the same chemistry as online. Conversation flowed, he made me laugh, all good things. I was getting nervous and a little excited, this could be good!
We met at Old Chicago and he is a pretty good looking guy. YAY! I've been on dates where the guy didn't look anything like his pictures or he weighed significantly more than he did in his pictures and that's a huge turn off. No, looks aren't everything, but if you're led to believe one thing and then find out it's another, it's a little bit of a lie. I have more than 10 pictures on my profile, all recent, some with make up, some without, some full body shots, some that aren't the most flattering, but I want to give a guy a great idea of what I look like.
In person, the chemistry was just as good as on line. I can't say that I felt a huge physical attraction, but that doesn't always happen for me right away, so I wasn't worried. He was just as kind, sweet and funny in person as he had been online. Things were going really well.
We talked about his kids, he has 4. You can tell he really loves them and they are very important to him, sounds like he's a really good dad. I like that.
I was talking a lot and felt really comfortable talking to him. We were teasing back and forth, it was really good, really easy.
Then he told me the deal breaker. I didn't really see this one coming. He is separated from his wife, but they're still living in the same house. This is going to sound really bad, but I could never trust him, knowing that he was living in the same house with someone he used to love and be intimate with.
How do I know they aren't sleeping in the same bed? How do I know she won't come to him tomorrow and ask to work things out? How do I know they're really separated and he's just not cheating on his wife?
I was very honest with him and told him I didn't think I could date him. I felt really bad, he's such a nice guy and he seems genuine, but I can't put myself in that position. He was very understanding, but it was hard for me, when everything else was so good, but I just can't take the chance that he's lying and cheating on his wife or that they'll get back together. I'm not willing to do that to myself.
I have nothing bad to say about the guy, it was a good date. It was nice to go out with someone who wasn't bringing up sex or disrespecting me. I feel bad that I can't get passed his living situation, but with my history, I just know that I'd never feel secure in our relationship and that wouldn't be fair to either of us.
Yesterday, a guy emailed me and we started a back and forth email and instant messaging conversation. Looking briefly through his profile, it didn't look like we really "matched", but through our conversation it seemed like we had a lot in common.
We both like a lot of the same music, we both have a romantic side, he was funny, very kind, polite and respectful. The conversation flowed really well. When he asked to meet for dinner, I couldn't say no, I was curious to see if the online chemistry would translate in person.
After he logged off for a meeting, I went back and checked out his profile again and there were a couple red flags I had missed when I initially scanned his profile. One, he's separated, two he has more than 3 kids and probably didn't want more.
Hmmmm, that's a dilemma. In my experience, someone who's just separated still has a lot of drama in their life with their ex and not only that, but I dated a guy who was separated and he ended up getting back together with his wife. Also, I really want to have a baby, something I've always wanted, so if he was dead set against having a child, that wouldn't work.
I thought about cancelling our date, but I really wanted to give him a chance. What if he was the one?
While I was getting ready, he called and he has a really nice voice and on the phone, we still had the same chemistry as online. Conversation flowed, he made me laugh, all good things. I was getting nervous and a little excited, this could be good!
We met at Old Chicago and he is a pretty good looking guy. YAY! I've been on dates where the guy didn't look anything like his pictures or he weighed significantly more than he did in his pictures and that's a huge turn off. No, looks aren't everything, but if you're led to believe one thing and then find out it's another, it's a little bit of a lie. I have more than 10 pictures on my profile, all recent, some with make up, some without, some full body shots, some that aren't the most flattering, but I want to give a guy a great idea of what I look like.
In person, the chemistry was just as good as on line. I can't say that I felt a huge physical attraction, but that doesn't always happen for me right away, so I wasn't worried. He was just as kind, sweet and funny in person as he had been online. Things were going really well.
We talked about his kids, he has 4. You can tell he really loves them and they are very important to him, sounds like he's a really good dad. I like that.
I was talking a lot and felt really comfortable talking to him. We were teasing back and forth, it was really good, really easy.
Then he told me the deal breaker. I didn't really see this one coming. He is separated from his wife, but they're still living in the same house. This is going to sound really bad, but I could never trust him, knowing that he was living in the same house with someone he used to love and be intimate with.
How do I know they aren't sleeping in the same bed? How do I know she won't come to him tomorrow and ask to work things out? How do I know they're really separated and he's just not cheating on his wife?
I was very honest with him and told him I didn't think I could date him. I felt really bad, he's such a nice guy and he seems genuine, but I can't put myself in that position. He was very understanding, but it was hard for me, when everything else was so good, but I just can't take the chance that he's lying and cheating on his wife or that they'll get back together. I'm not willing to do that to myself.
I have nothing bad to say about the guy, it was a good date. It was nice to go out with someone who wasn't bringing up sex or disrespecting me. I feel bad that I can't get passed his living situation, but with my history, I just know that I'd never feel secure in our relationship and that wouldn't be fair to either of us.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
What is happily ever after....
To me, happily ever after is finding the right person to share my life with. I want to fall in love, get married and have a baby. I know that at my age, it's possible that I won't be able to have a child of my own, if that's the case, I definitely want to adopt or be a foster mom.
I don't know where this idea came from or why I'm constantly seeking it out. I don't know if I watched too many Disney movies and read too many fairy tales while growing up or if I didn't get enough love as a child, so now as an adult I have an overwhelming need to be loved, I just know that I've always wanted to live happily ever after.
I know I didn't get this idea in my head, because my parents had the perfect marriage or perfect love. They got married really young, I don't think they planned to have the children they did, they didn't have a lot of money and times were tough. I watched them have their ups and downs and this year, after almost 37 years, they got a divorce.
A lot of people think my mom was crazy for leaving and initiating the divorce, but really, I couldn't have been happier about it. I was tired of seeing her so unhappy. I truly believe if she would have stayed married to my dad, the stress and unhappiness would have killed her!
So, where did this idea of happily ever after come from, I don't know, I just know I've always wanted to be a mom, but I don't want to be a single mom, I want to share the experience with the man I love, my partner, my lover, my friend.
My favorite author, Laurell K Hamilton, wrote something about love in her blog on her 7th wedding anniversary and everything she said, really spoke to me. This is the kind of love I want:
To love successfully, is to love more today than yesterday. It is knowing that sometimes the most romantic words in the world are not, I love you, or sweet nothings, but, "Don't worry about it, I'll do it." For love, true love, is a partnership. It is two individuals who together make a bigger whole, and a better person together than they were apart. To be truly, madly, deeply, in love is to understand that romance consists not just of lingerie and sweaty forgetfulness between the sheets, but in getting up each day and being there for each other. Being there on days when nothing goes right, and everything goes wrong, but even at the worst of times you'd rather be with this man, this person, beside you, than anyone else. Love is working together when it's hard, so that on the days when it seems effortless and more beautiful than seems possible you know you earned this moment. You know that both of you, worked, and sweated, and loved, and earned it. You fall into love, like a trip down the stairs. You stay in love by being able to catch each other, and make sure the accident is worth the bruises.
I want this, I want to love and be loved in that way. I want the partnership. Reading her words, I know it's possible, that what I want exists and that, someday, hopefully, it will happen for me. This is what I want and it's what I deserve!
I don't know where this idea came from or why I'm constantly seeking it out. I don't know if I watched too many Disney movies and read too many fairy tales while growing up or if I didn't get enough love as a child, so now as an adult I have an overwhelming need to be loved, I just know that I've always wanted to live happily ever after.
I know I didn't get this idea in my head, because my parents had the perfect marriage or perfect love. They got married really young, I don't think they planned to have the children they did, they didn't have a lot of money and times were tough. I watched them have their ups and downs and this year, after almost 37 years, they got a divorce.
A lot of people think my mom was crazy for leaving and initiating the divorce, but really, I couldn't have been happier about it. I was tired of seeing her so unhappy. I truly believe if she would have stayed married to my dad, the stress and unhappiness would have killed her!
So, where did this idea of happily ever after come from, I don't know, I just know I've always wanted to be a mom, but I don't want to be a single mom, I want to share the experience with the man I love, my partner, my lover, my friend.
My favorite author, Laurell K Hamilton, wrote something about love in her blog on her 7th wedding anniversary and everything she said, really spoke to me. This is the kind of love I want:
To love successfully, is to love more today than yesterday. It is knowing that sometimes the most romantic words in the world are not, I love you, or sweet nothings, but, "Don't worry about it, I'll do it." For love, true love, is a partnership. It is two individuals who together make a bigger whole, and a better person together than they were apart. To be truly, madly, deeply, in love is to understand that romance consists not just of lingerie and sweaty forgetfulness between the sheets, but in getting up each day and being there for each other. Being there on days when nothing goes right, and everything goes wrong, but even at the worst of times you'd rather be with this man, this person, beside you, than anyone else. Love is working together when it's hard, so that on the days when it seems effortless and more beautiful than seems possible you know you earned this moment. You know that both of you, worked, and sweated, and loved, and earned it. You fall into love, like a trip down the stairs. You stay in love by being able to catch each other, and make sure the accident is worth the bruises.
I want this, I want to love and be loved in that way. I want the partnership. Reading her words, I know it's possible, that what I want exists and that, someday, hopefully, it will happen for me. This is what I want and it's what I deserve!
Getting Started
I guess I should start off by talking about myself and giving a little history. I am a 37 year old, single, white female, never married, no kids. I was born and raised in the Portland metro area and I'm currently living in deep SE Portland in a home I bought with my mom.
Yes, I'm 37 single and living with my mom. Not exactly how I pictured my life at 37, but hey, things happen. Life happens.
How did I picture my life, you might ask. Well, all my life, all I ever wanted was to fall in love, get married and have a baby. I have always wanted the fairy tale, the happily ever after.
Unfortunately, I've yet to meet my prince charming. I've been kissing frogs like crazy and just haven't found my prince.
I have made some very poor choices in my life when it comes to men. Really poor. I've dated a lot of guys who were wrong for me and I know I did that, because I want to be loved so bad, that even being loved by someone who was controlling or disrespectful or immature was better than not being loved at all.
Well, I'm trying really hard to break that cycle. I have gone to therapy and have learned lots about myself and what I want out of a man and out of life and hopefully, some day, I will find it!
I'm here writing this blog to tell my story, the ups, the downs, the stupid, the crazy, the fun and the wonderful aspects of my life. I want to talk about the men I've dated, good and bad, so I can break the cycle of dating bad men and maybe find my Mr. Right. I want to talk about my cycles of depression, so maybe I can find a way to break out of the cycle or at least see the depression coming so I can head it off at the pass. I want to talk about my dieting ups and downs, the successes and the failures. Mostly, I just want to talk, it helps me so much to get this stuff out of my head, clears my mind and helps me be at peace.
Welcome to my quest for happily ever after, whatever that may be:-)
Yes, I'm 37 single and living with my mom. Not exactly how I pictured my life at 37, but hey, things happen. Life happens.
How did I picture my life, you might ask. Well, all my life, all I ever wanted was to fall in love, get married and have a baby. I have always wanted the fairy tale, the happily ever after.
Unfortunately, I've yet to meet my prince charming. I've been kissing frogs like crazy and just haven't found my prince.
I have made some very poor choices in my life when it comes to men. Really poor. I've dated a lot of guys who were wrong for me and I know I did that, because I want to be loved so bad, that even being loved by someone who was controlling or disrespectful or immature was better than not being loved at all.
Well, I'm trying really hard to break that cycle. I have gone to therapy and have learned lots about myself and what I want out of a man and out of life and hopefully, some day, I will find it!
I'm here writing this blog to tell my story, the ups, the downs, the stupid, the crazy, the fun and the wonderful aspects of my life. I want to talk about the men I've dated, good and bad, so I can break the cycle of dating bad men and maybe find my Mr. Right. I want to talk about my cycles of depression, so maybe I can find a way to break out of the cycle or at least see the depression coming so I can head it off at the pass. I want to talk about my dieting ups and downs, the successes and the failures. Mostly, I just want to talk, it helps me so much to get this stuff out of my head, clears my mind and helps me be at peace.
Welcome to my quest for happily ever after, whatever that may be:-)
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