As 2011 is coming to a close, it's time for me to let all the crap go and get ready for the new year. I have so much to look forward to this year!
I'm very excited to be starting college in less than 2 weeks. This is the biggest, most positive step I've taken in my life that I can remember. There is no negative to me going back to school and bettering myself!
2012 will also bring more hiking. For sure I want to hike Tillamook Head and Eagle creek trails again. I didn't go nearly far enough on either. Funny, if I hike less than 10 miles, it's just not a real hike to me anymore ;-) There's also talk of hiking to the top of Mt. St. Helens. This one would really push me, it's not like any other hike I've done. Two years ago, I would have said there's no way I could do it, now, I know, I can do anything I set my mind to!
I am also very excited about the new babies that are going to be born in 2012. Three of my very close friends are all pregnant and going to be having babies within weeks of each other. I have blankets to make, baby showers to plan, pictures to take and hopefully, lots of baby sitting to do.
2012 has the potential to be a great year for me, which I really need, after last year. I'm not gonna lie, 2011 was not my best year. I was in a horrible relationship that was mentally and emotionally draining. The stress and anguish caused me horrible migraines and the worst depression I've ever endured.
I am so frustrated with myself for letting that relationship go on for so long. I have spent too much of my life in relationships with the wrong people. I have wasted too much of my life desperately searching for Prince Charming and my happily ever after, while all along, I should have been focusing on me and doing what I want, and letting the happily ever after come along naturally.
Now that's over, it's water under the bridge. My migraines are gone, so is my depression. I am ready to leave the past in the past and start 2012 on a happy, positive note. I have way too much good going on to let any more negative bring me down!
Happy New Year everyone. May your 2012 bring you much love and happiness!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
A low key Christmas
Our family tradition for the holidays is to have a huge and when I say huge, I mean MASSIVE seafood feast on Christmas Eve. Mountains of crab, shrimp, oysters, clams and many kinds of fish laid out over a huge table covered in newspaper with bowls of melted butter for dipping. Last year, we probably had at least 25 people over for the feast.
This year though, we just couldn't make it happen. We got back from our family vacation 6 days before Christmas and between getting the house ready, shopping and doing all the cooking, mom and I just couldn't get it together.
So, we decided to have a very low key Christmas. Both of us were still really wiped after our vacation. Ten days of traveling and theme parks and being away from home, really take it's toll. You almost need twice that time to recover. Not to mention that I'd gotten a pretty bad cold while on our way home.
The only thing I wanted to do for Christmas, was spend time with a close friend. With him, I knew it would be really low key. I could cook a nice dinner, we could see a movie and just have quiet, stress free time.
For dinner, I made lobster with browned butter over angel hair pasta, sauteed calamari and green beans with garlic. It was all delicious. I'd never made calamari before, so I was very surprised how easy it was. The hardest part was cleaning it and even that wasn't difficult, just had to get over the gross factor.
After dinner, we went to see The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I love the series of books and I really excited to see the movie and how they would adapt it. Sure they changed some things, but how often does a movie follow a book exactly? I wasn't crazy about some of the actors they chose, but all in all, I think it was really well done.
Definitely wasn't like any Christmas I've had in too many years to count, but it was exactly what I needed. Nice, quiet and relaxing.
This year though, we just couldn't make it happen. We got back from our family vacation 6 days before Christmas and between getting the house ready, shopping and doing all the cooking, mom and I just couldn't get it together.
So, we decided to have a very low key Christmas. Both of us were still really wiped after our vacation. Ten days of traveling and theme parks and being away from home, really take it's toll. You almost need twice that time to recover. Not to mention that I'd gotten a pretty bad cold while on our way home.
The only thing I wanted to do for Christmas, was spend time with a close friend. With him, I knew it would be really low key. I could cook a nice dinner, we could see a movie and just have quiet, stress free time.
For dinner, I made lobster with browned butter over angel hair pasta, sauteed calamari and green beans with garlic. It was all delicious. I'd never made calamari before, so I was very surprised how easy it was. The hardest part was cleaning it and even that wasn't difficult, just had to get over the gross factor.
After dinner, we went to see The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I love the series of books and I really excited to see the movie and how they would adapt it. Sure they changed some things, but how often does a movie follow a book exactly? I wasn't crazy about some of the actors they chose, but all in all, I think it was really well done.
Definitely wasn't like any Christmas I've had in too many years to count, but it was exactly what I needed. Nice, quiet and relaxing.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
I'm a college student :D
I have been thinking of going back to college quite often over the last few years. When I graduated from high school, I went to PCC for a little while, but I had no direction, no idea what I wanted to do and I hated it. I was working full time and going to school full time and at that point in my life, it just made more sense for me to work and not go to school.
Now, I'm ready to try again. It's time. I need something new in my life and there are no negatives to going back to school. As a matter of fact, it's probably the most positive step I've taken in a long time!
Yesterday, I registered for 2 college classes (math and English to start), a total of 8 credits, which is a little more than part time. So far, I don't have a major, I want to take some classes, see what I like and maybe get a 2 year business degree. Who knows, I might really like it and decide to transfer to a University and get a 4 year degree!
I know this isn't going to be easy but, I'm ready for the challenge. The path I was on, wasn't working for me and I need a major life change. This should do it :)
Now, I'm ready to try again. It's time. I need something new in my life and there are no negatives to going back to school. As a matter of fact, it's probably the most positive step I've taken in a long time!
Yesterday, I registered for 2 college classes (math and English to start), a total of 8 credits, which is a little more than part time. So far, I don't have a major, I want to take some classes, see what I like and maybe get a 2 year business degree. Who knows, I might really like it and decide to transfer to a University and get a 4 year degree!
I know this isn't going to be easy but, I'm ready for the challenge. The path I was on, wasn't working for me and I need a major life change. This should do it :)
Refreshed and renewed
Well, I'm back after a wonderful 10 day vacation. It took a few days for the dark cloud I've been carrying around to dissipate, but once it did, I really started to have fun and to feel like my old self again.
The condo we stayed at was really nice. It had 3 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms, a full kitchen and a washer and dryer. The complex had a pool and hot tub, which was so great to use after a day of walking around the parks.
We visited all 4 Disneyworld parks (Magic Kingdom, Epcot, Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios). My favorite was the Animal Kingdom. I got to see giraffes up close, my favorite :) They also had a really awesome gorilla exhibit. I could have watched the gorillas for hours. They are really beautiful and majestic.
We also went to Universal Studios Islands of Adventure for one day. All of us really wanted to see Harry Potter World. It wasn't as large as I expected it to be, but it was still fun to go and see it. I got to have Butter Beer (YUM!) and I bought myself a wand.
They also had a Dr. Seuss area there, which was pretty neat. We took some fun pictures in that part of the park. They had Whos from Whoville and the egg from Horton Hear's a Who for people to sit on and have their picture taken. Yeah, that was fun ;-)
By the end of our time in Orlando, I was more than ready to come home. I'd seen just about everything I'd wanted to see and I was exhausted. I had a fantastic trip though. I feel renewed and refreshed and ready to start the next chapter of my life!
The condo we stayed at was really nice. It had 3 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms, a full kitchen and a washer and dryer. The complex had a pool and hot tub, which was so great to use after a day of walking around the parks.
We visited all 4 Disneyworld parks (Magic Kingdom, Epcot, Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios). My favorite was the Animal Kingdom. I got to see giraffes up close, my favorite :) They also had a really awesome gorilla exhibit. I could have watched the gorillas for hours. They are really beautiful and majestic.
We also went to Universal Studios Islands of Adventure for one day. All of us really wanted to see Harry Potter World. It wasn't as large as I expected it to be, but it was still fun to go and see it. I got to have Butter Beer (YUM!) and I bought myself a wand.
They also had a Dr. Seuss area there, which was pretty neat. We took some fun pictures in that part of the park. They had Whos from Whoville and the egg from Horton Hear's a Who for people to sit on and have their picture taken. Yeah, that was fun ;-)
By the end of our time in Orlando, I was more than ready to come home. I'd seen just about everything I'd wanted to see and I was exhausted. I had a fantastic trip though. I feel renewed and refreshed and ready to start the next chapter of my life!
Monday, December 5, 2011
T Minus 4 days!
Vacation is right around the corner. I need it so bad. My well of patience has run dry and I am in serious need to sooth my soul and take care of me. I need to relax my worries away.
This won't be the most relaxing vacation I've ever been on, but I think it's definitely going to fill my happiness meter to the max!
My depression that was completely dragging me down last week has started to abate. I no longer feel like I'm going to cry any second or that I'm living in darkness.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel and it all starts with vacation. The day after I get back from vacation I am going to an advisor workshop where I'll be getting information about what classes I should take and hopefully registering for at least one winter term class.
There is so much good coming my way and it all starts in 4 days. WOOT!
This won't be the most relaxing vacation I've ever been on, but I think it's definitely going to fill my happiness meter to the max!
My depression that was completely dragging me down last week has started to abate. I no longer feel like I'm going to cry any second or that I'm living in darkness.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel and it all starts with vacation. The day after I get back from vacation I am going to an advisor workshop where I'll be getting information about what classes I should take and hopefully registering for at least one winter term class.
There is so much good coming my way and it all starts in 4 days. WOOT!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Picking up the pieces
When my relationship with Derek ended, I felt so free, like this huge weight had been lifted off me. I thought I was OK, I knew that there was nothing I could have done and other than being upset about having another failed relationship, I felt pretty good.
Two and half months later, I realize that I'm not OK. That as much as I thought I was doing really good, I am depressed and I hadn't even realized it. I've been faking this happiness and pretending that everything is OK and it is clearly not!
I'm trying to combat my depression by spending time with my friends and family and shaking things up in my life a little. With the support of my family and friends, I've made the decision to go back to school. I don't know if I ever would have decided that on my own, but I made sure to talk about it and tell enough people so that I can't just back out (I've taken my placement tests and if everything works out, I'll be starting classes in January!).
Also, my family is going on a pretty big vacation. We've been planning it for a while, but it's almost here. I don't know if I've ever needed a vacation as much as I do right now. This will be the longest vacation I've ever taken and it couldn't be coming at a better time.
I need to rest and relax and spend some quality happy time. Thankfully, we are going to the best place to achieve happy time. Walt Disney World! I've never been and I'm really excited. We're also going to Harry Potter World at Universal Studios.
I know that vacation and going back to school aren't going to solve all my problems. I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself, but at least I've acknowledged something isn't right and I'm trying to find a solution.
Two and half months later, I realize that I'm not OK. That as much as I thought I was doing really good, I am depressed and I hadn't even realized it. I've been faking this happiness and pretending that everything is OK and it is clearly not!
I'm trying to combat my depression by spending time with my friends and family and shaking things up in my life a little. With the support of my family and friends, I've made the decision to go back to school. I don't know if I ever would have decided that on my own, but I made sure to talk about it and tell enough people so that I can't just back out (I've taken my placement tests and if everything works out, I'll be starting classes in January!).
Also, my family is going on a pretty big vacation. We've been planning it for a while, but it's almost here. I don't know if I've ever needed a vacation as much as I do right now. This will be the longest vacation I've ever taken and it couldn't be coming at a better time.
I need to rest and relax and spend some quality happy time. Thankfully, we are going to the best place to achieve happy time. Walt Disney World! I've never been and I'm really excited. We're also going to Harry Potter World at Universal Studios.
I know that vacation and going back to school aren't going to solve all my problems. I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself, but at least I've acknowledged something isn't right and I'm trying to find a solution.
Monday, November 21, 2011
My next big adventure :)
I'm going to college to get my degree. YEP, you heard me right, I'm going back to school! WOOT!
I feel like I've been sitting in limbo for far too long. Not limbo necessarily, but waiting for life to happen to me, instead of making it happen.
It's time to shake things up a little.
I'm stepping WAY outside of my comfort zone for the first time in a LONG time and it feels GREAT!
I feel like I've been sitting in limbo for far too long. Not limbo necessarily, but waiting for life to happen to me, instead of making it happen.
It's time to shake things up a little.
I'm stepping WAY outside of my comfort zone for the first time in a LONG time and it feels GREAT!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Shake it off, look at the positive!
Enough is enough. I'm tired of worrying and stressing. Time for some fun!
This weekend, I'm going on a short hike with some good friends and hopefully picking up a cat to come live with us. Mom's been wanting a cat for a while, so we're giving it a go! Plus I'm going to do some yard work and re-arrange my bedroom, so it doesn't feel so empty.
In two weeks, I'm going to the coast for the weekend and attempting another 12 mile hike. This one will be a little more difficult than the other hikes I've done, it has a really high elevation gain, but I am confident that I can do this! At the beginning of the summer, I didn't think I could hike 12 miles in one day or hike to the top of Multnomah Falls, now I know that I can hike at east 14 miles in a day and I CAN hike to the top of the falls! Plus I did both of those hikes with uncomfortable shoes that pinched my toes and hurt my feet, I'll be doing this hike with new, comfortable shoes that give my toes lots of room!
Here's a description of the hike. This will be a great high note to end the hiking season on and gives me something to build on when I start hiking again next spring/summer!
http://www.portlandhikersfieldguide.org/wiki/Tillamook_Head_Traverse_Hike
The thing I'm most looking forward to is just about 10 weeks away. My family and I are going on a trip to Disneyworld! I've never been and I'm so excited!
We're staying in a condo community, we've got 7 day park hopper tickets and we are going to Harry Potter World! This will be the longest vacation I'ver ever taken. I'll be off work for 11 days :)
We've got the dog and house sitter all lined up. All we need now is to find someone to take over Derek's plane ticket and we'll be all set. This vacation is exactly what I need to clear out all the bad gunky and get me back to my old self!
This weekend, I'm going on a short hike with some good friends and hopefully picking up a cat to come live with us. Mom's been wanting a cat for a while, so we're giving it a go! Plus I'm going to do some yard work and re-arrange my bedroom, so it doesn't feel so empty.
In two weeks, I'm going to the coast for the weekend and attempting another 12 mile hike. This one will be a little more difficult than the other hikes I've done, it has a really high elevation gain, but I am confident that I can do this! At the beginning of the summer, I didn't think I could hike 12 miles in one day or hike to the top of Multnomah Falls, now I know that I can hike at east 14 miles in a day and I CAN hike to the top of the falls! Plus I did both of those hikes with uncomfortable shoes that pinched my toes and hurt my feet, I'll be doing this hike with new, comfortable shoes that give my toes lots of room!
Here's a description of the hike. This will be a great high note to end the hiking season on and gives me something to build on when I start hiking again next spring/summer!
http://www.portlandhikersfieldguide.org/wiki/Tillamook_Head_Traverse_Hike
The thing I'm most looking forward to is just about 10 weeks away. My family and I are going on a trip to Disneyworld! I've never been and I'm so excited!
We're staying in a condo community, we've got 7 day park hopper tickets and we are going to Harry Potter World! This will be the longest vacation I'ver ever taken. I'll be off work for 11 days :)
We've got the dog and house sitter all lined up. All we need now is to find someone to take over Derek's plane ticket and we'll be all set. This vacation is exactly what I need to clear out all the bad gunky and get me back to my old self!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
No more headaches
Derek and I broke up last week and now my headaches are all gone. Funny how that works. You know, I probably would have put up with his drinking indefinitely as long as I thought he was trying and making an effort to get better, I would have given him chance after chance. Dating someone else though, while you're living with me, telling me you love me, making plans for our future, that I can't put up with.
I tried so hard to make it work, too hard. I did everything I could, but there came a point where I was desperate to know the truth and I invaded his privacy. I read his emails and texts. I am not proud to admit that and I feel awful, but at the same time, I feel I deserved to know the real him and what he was really up to. Not that it makes it right, it doesn't. It doesn't matter that he hadn't paid rent in months or that I was paying for his phone service and all our weekend activities, that didn't give me the right to spy on him.
There is still a knot in my gut. I know I should have ended things sooner, like after he fell and I found out about so many lies he'd told, I should have known that drinking wasn't his only problem. I know though, that if I would have ended things then, I would always have wondered if I did the right thing, if he would have, could have gotten better if given the chance.
Now I know, without a doubt, he'll never change, he'll never realize the damage his lies cause. Hell, I'm not even sure he realizes he's lying half the time.
I don't know how many times I said to him that I all I wanted was him to be open and honest with me. I know we had many discussions about people who cheat and why do they cheat, we both agreed, if you're done in a relationship, you should just tell the other person.
There are many reasons why Derek wouldn't have told me he wanted to see other people. But seriously, if he'd have come to me, when his feelings changed and said, you know, Jen, I just don't think I'm healthy enough to be in a relationship and I just don't feel the same way about you, yes, it would have hurt, but at least I would have known. We could have moved him into another part of the house and we could have ended things as friends. Instead of me finding out about this other woman he was dating and then finding out about soooo many lies he's told to me and so many other people.
Part of me is still hurting and wondering if any of it was real. Another part of me feels so free. That part of me that was ready for things to end.
My focus now is back where it should be, on me and on my family and friends. I am going to rest and relax and do what I like to do. I'm going on another 12 mile hike in a few weeks, I'm going to meet some friends that I haven't seen in a long time for dinner and or drinks. I'm also doing some research on the Wiccan religion, I'm not really a religious person, but from what I know of Wicca it's all about being positive and focusing on nature, two things that are really important to me, so we'll see.
One thing I know for sure is that I'm better off. I didn't deserve the way he treated me, nobody deserves that. I am looking at this as another learning tool, someday, I hope that I find Mr. Right and that all my past relationships have just given me the tools I need to be the best Mrs. Right any guy could ask for.
I tried so hard to make it work, too hard. I did everything I could, but there came a point where I was desperate to know the truth and I invaded his privacy. I read his emails and texts. I am not proud to admit that and I feel awful, but at the same time, I feel I deserved to know the real him and what he was really up to. Not that it makes it right, it doesn't. It doesn't matter that he hadn't paid rent in months or that I was paying for his phone service and all our weekend activities, that didn't give me the right to spy on him.
There is still a knot in my gut. I know I should have ended things sooner, like after he fell and I found out about so many lies he'd told, I should have known that drinking wasn't his only problem. I know though, that if I would have ended things then, I would always have wondered if I did the right thing, if he would have, could have gotten better if given the chance.
Now I know, without a doubt, he'll never change, he'll never realize the damage his lies cause. Hell, I'm not even sure he realizes he's lying half the time.
I don't know how many times I said to him that I all I wanted was him to be open and honest with me. I know we had many discussions about people who cheat and why do they cheat, we both agreed, if you're done in a relationship, you should just tell the other person.
There are many reasons why Derek wouldn't have told me he wanted to see other people. But seriously, if he'd have come to me, when his feelings changed and said, you know, Jen, I just don't think I'm healthy enough to be in a relationship and I just don't feel the same way about you, yes, it would have hurt, but at least I would have known. We could have moved him into another part of the house and we could have ended things as friends. Instead of me finding out about this other woman he was dating and then finding out about soooo many lies he's told to me and so many other people.
Part of me is still hurting and wondering if any of it was real. Another part of me feels so free. That part of me that was ready for things to end.
My focus now is back where it should be, on me and on my family and friends. I am going to rest and relax and do what I like to do. I'm going on another 12 mile hike in a few weeks, I'm going to meet some friends that I haven't seen in a long time for dinner and or drinks. I'm also doing some research on the Wiccan religion, I'm not really a religious person, but from what I know of Wicca it's all about being positive and focusing on nature, two things that are really important to me, so we'll see.
One thing I know for sure is that I'm better off. I didn't deserve the way he treated me, nobody deserves that. I am looking at this as another learning tool, someday, I hope that I find Mr. Right and that all my past relationships have just given me the tools I need to be the best Mrs. Right any guy could ask for.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change....
** This was written several months ago, July 11th, 2011 to be exact and I wasn't sure I was going to post it, now I feel as though it's the right time.**
I started this blog to talk about my life and to use it as a therapy tool. When I first started, I blogged about every aspect of my life, but lately, I've been keeping things under wraps. This is extremely difficult for me to talk about, it's a very touchy subject, but I need to talk about this, not just for myself, but for anyone else who's going through something similar.
My boyfriend, Derek is an alcoholic. I knew this from the very beginning of our relationship. He told me that he wasn't a serious alcoholic and that he could have one drink and be OK. At the time, I believed him, it seemed like that really was the case, but as the months have gone on, the truth has come out that he does not have his alcoholism under control and he shouldn't drink at all.
Derek is one of the most amazing men, when he's sober. He's kind, considerate, respectful. He's happy, confident and loves life. He's funny, goofy and silly. He's supportive, helpful and really fun to be around. When he is sober, we have the best time together, whether we're going on a hike, fishing or just hanging out at home, watching our favorite shows.
When Derek is drunk, he's absolutely awful. He's insecure, mean and angry. He tells all kinds of lies and half truths. He's nasty, hurtful and down right scary.
Fortunately, ugly drunk Derek doesn't come out to play very often. However, these last few weeks, for several reasons, Derek is drinking much more heavily and I'm seeing a lot more of Drunk Derek than I ever wanted to see.
Over 2 years ago, Derek was arrested for a DUI. If he would have done what he was supposed to and gone to court appointed counseling, this would all be done and over with, but instead, he went to his counseling off and on, mostly off and now he's probably going to have to go to jail.
When he found out that he was probably going to have to go to jail, instead of telling me right away, he kept it a secret. He became increasingly negative and was drinking more than usual. I thought it was because of stress with his new job and some issues he was having with his best friend. Then 2 nights before his court date, it all came out.
Over the next few days, we had our worst fights ever. I found out about some lies that he'd told, on top of keeping this huge secret from me and I was furious. Part of me wanted to kick him out right then, but I couldn't. I love him so much, I wanted to be supportive and help him any way that I could.
He went to his court date and I didn't expect to see him for at least 2 to 10 days (that's the amount of jail time he could get), but he was home that evening, after I got off work. His lawyer filed a continuance and he'd have to go back in 2 weeks.
Great, now he was going to have to worry and stress another two weeks, not exactly what either of us wanted. So, we came up with a plan of action that we both could live with. He would drink until he went to jail, but when he came out, he would stop drinking and get counseling. He also agreed that when he was drinking during the next couple of weeks, he'd do everything he could to keep it under control enough to not make my life miserable.
And he did for a couple of days. Until Saturday night, when I was gone for my cousin's graduation party. I knew he was drinking, he was texting and getting angry over something so stupid, but I never imagined he was getting absolutely wasted.
When I came home, he was passed out, nothing unsual about that. I was actually happy, if he's passed out, we won't fight. He was talking in his sleep, nothing unsual about that. He started flailing around in his sleep, nothing unusual about that. Then he knocked over my full cup of water, all over himself and his side of the bed. He didn't even move, let alone wake up. Ok, that's not good.
I grabbed a towel to start cleaning up and I was asking him questions and he was talking in gibberish and not making any sense. I made him get up so I could get the sheets off the bed and then he fell.
I can still see it in my head. It keeps happening in slow motion over and over again. He falls back against the desk, he stumbles, his arm hits the French doors and then he hits the floor.
As I try to help him up the blood, there was so much blood, hitting the floor, me, him, the bed. I yell for my mom. She puts pressure on Derek's head, tells me to call 911.
Derek laying on the bed not moving. Not answering when I try talking to him.
I call, help is on the way. The police show up, then the firemen, then the EMT's. They take him to the hospital and I pack him some clothes and follow in my car.
I get to the hospital and wait for them to call me back to see him. As I'm waiting, I go through his phone, looking for messages he sent, seeing if he said anything to anyone or someone said something to him that would have set him off. I didn't find anything like that, but I did find some other things that I wish I wouldn't have.
Am I sorry I looked through his phone? Do I feel like I betrayed his privacy? Yes and no. Desperate times call for desperate measures and I was very desparate. I was so worried that he had decided to kill himself rather than go to jail, I thought I'd find emails or texts telling people good bye, instead I just found out about more lies he'd been telling.
They allow me back to see him. He's covered in blood. I was mad, no, I was FURIOUS. I couldn't hold back, I said some awful things, he said some awful things back. Then the nurse came in to check on him, us.
That calmed me a bit. There was no point fighting with Drunk Derek. He couldn't even remember from one minute to the next where he was or why he was there.
Here is an example of the conversations we were having:
Derek: Where am I?
Me: You're in the hospital. Do you know why you're here?
Derek: No.
Me: You hit your head, do you remember what happened?
Derek: I got in a fight at World Market.
Me: No, you fell and hit your head. Why would you get in a fight at World Market?
Derek: I walked in and just decided I could do whatever I wanted. Wait, was that a dream?
Me: Must have been, because you got drunk and fell and hit your head.
Derek: Oh. Why are you here? You're an idiot for being with me. Just go.
Me: Yes, I'm an idiot for loving you and I'm not going anywhere until the doctor says you can go.
And so it went, round and round for the 3 hours we were there. Sometimes he'd be happy I was there, other's he'd tell me to go, but never could he remember where he was or why he was there.
I felt really bad for the doctors and nurses. One minute, he'd be really nice and do what they asked, the next minute, he was trying to walk out, the next minute he was sexually harassing them.
This was a Derek I have never seen before and I pray I never see him again.
They finally let us go, once they'd done a cat scan to make sure there was no bleeding in his brain and they made sure he could walk by himself.
It was after 2 in the morning, we both went home and passed out. There was no fight left in either of us. The next morning, we got up and had a really long talk. Derek was so scared that I was going to leave him and he wanted another chance. He promised to be better, so I gave it to him. I love him, what else can I do?
I started this blog to talk about my life and to use it as a therapy tool. When I first started, I blogged about every aspect of my life, but lately, I've been keeping things under wraps. This is extremely difficult for me to talk about, it's a very touchy subject, but I need to talk about this, not just for myself, but for anyone else who's going through something similar.
My boyfriend, Derek is an alcoholic. I knew this from the very beginning of our relationship. He told me that he wasn't a serious alcoholic and that he could have one drink and be OK. At the time, I believed him, it seemed like that really was the case, but as the months have gone on, the truth has come out that he does not have his alcoholism under control and he shouldn't drink at all.
Derek is one of the most amazing men, when he's sober. He's kind, considerate, respectful. He's happy, confident and loves life. He's funny, goofy and silly. He's supportive, helpful and really fun to be around. When he is sober, we have the best time together, whether we're going on a hike, fishing or just hanging out at home, watching our favorite shows.
When Derek is drunk, he's absolutely awful. He's insecure, mean and angry. He tells all kinds of lies and half truths. He's nasty, hurtful and down right scary.
Fortunately, ugly drunk Derek doesn't come out to play very often. However, these last few weeks, for several reasons, Derek is drinking much more heavily and I'm seeing a lot more of Drunk Derek than I ever wanted to see.
Over 2 years ago, Derek was arrested for a DUI. If he would have done what he was supposed to and gone to court appointed counseling, this would all be done and over with, but instead, he went to his counseling off and on, mostly off and now he's probably going to have to go to jail.
When he found out that he was probably going to have to go to jail, instead of telling me right away, he kept it a secret. He became increasingly negative and was drinking more than usual. I thought it was because of stress with his new job and some issues he was having with his best friend. Then 2 nights before his court date, it all came out.
Over the next few days, we had our worst fights ever. I found out about some lies that he'd told, on top of keeping this huge secret from me and I was furious. Part of me wanted to kick him out right then, but I couldn't. I love him so much, I wanted to be supportive and help him any way that I could.
He went to his court date and I didn't expect to see him for at least 2 to 10 days (that's the amount of jail time he could get), but he was home that evening, after I got off work. His lawyer filed a continuance and he'd have to go back in 2 weeks.
Great, now he was going to have to worry and stress another two weeks, not exactly what either of us wanted. So, we came up with a plan of action that we both could live with. He would drink until he went to jail, but when he came out, he would stop drinking and get counseling. He also agreed that when he was drinking during the next couple of weeks, he'd do everything he could to keep it under control enough to not make my life miserable.
And he did for a couple of days. Until Saturday night, when I was gone for my cousin's graduation party. I knew he was drinking, he was texting and getting angry over something so stupid, but I never imagined he was getting absolutely wasted.
When I came home, he was passed out, nothing unsual about that. I was actually happy, if he's passed out, we won't fight. He was talking in his sleep, nothing unsual about that. He started flailing around in his sleep, nothing unusual about that. Then he knocked over my full cup of water, all over himself and his side of the bed. He didn't even move, let alone wake up. Ok, that's not good.
I grabbed a towel to start cleaning up and I was asking him questions and he was talking in gibberish and not making any sense. I made him get up so I could get the sheets off the bed and then he fell.
I can still see it in my head. It keeps happening in slow motion over and over again. He falls back against the desk, he stumbles, his arm hits the French doors and then he hits the floor.
As I try to help him up the blood, there was so much blood, hitting the floor, me, him, the bed. I yell for my mom. She puts pressure on Derek's head, tells me to call 911.
Derek laying on the bed not moving. Not answering when I try talking to him.
I call, help is on the way. The police show up, then the firemen, then the EMT's. They take him to the hospital and I pack him some clothes and follow in my car.
I get to the hospital and wait for them to call me back to see him. As I'm waiting, I go through his phone, looking for messages he sent, seeing if he said anything to anyone or someone said something to him that would have set him off. I didn't find anything like that, but I did find some other things that I wish I wouldn't have.
Am I sorry I looked through his phone? Do I feel like I betrayed his privacy? Yes and no. Desperate times call for desperate measures and I was very desparate. I was so worried that he had decided to kill himself rather than go to jail, I thought I'd find emails or texts telling people good bye, instead I just found out about more lies he'd been telling.
They allow me back to see him. He's covered in blood. I was mad, no, I was FURIOUS. I couldn't hold back, I said some awful things, he said some awful things back. Then the nurse came in to check on him, us.
That calmed me a bit. There was no point fighting with Drunk Derek. He couldn't even remember from one minute to the next where he was or why he was there.
Here is an example of the conversations we were having:
Derek: Where am I?
Me: You're in the hospital. Do you know why you're here?
Derek: No.
Me: You hit your head, do you remember what happened?
Derek: I got in a fight at World Market.
Me: No, you fell and hit your head. Why would you get in a fight at World Market?
Derek: I walked in and just decided I could do whatever I wanted. Wait, was that a dream?
Me: Must have been, because you got drunk and fell and hit your head.
Derek: Oh. Why are you here? You're an idiot for being with me. Just go.
Me: Yes, I'm an idiot for loving you and I'm not going anywhere until the doctor says you can go.
And so it went, round and round for the 3 hours we were there. Sometimes he'd be happy I was there, other's he'd tell me to go, but never could he remember where he was or why he was there.
I felt really bad for the doctors and nurses. One minute, he'd be really nice and do what they asked, the next minute, he was trying to walk out, the next minute he was sexually harassing them.
This was a Derek I have never seen before and I pray I never see him again.
They finally let us go, once they'd done a cat scan to make sure there was no bleeding in his brain and they made sure he could walk by himself.
It was after 2 in the morning, we both went home and passed out. There was no fight left in either of us. The next morning, we got up and had a really long talk. Derek was so scared that I was going to leave him and he wanted another chance. He promised to be better, so I gave it to him. I love him, what else can I do?
Monday, September 12, 2011
Laugh more, stress less
These last few months have been really hard for me. I have been worrying about things I can't control and causing myself undue stress.
All this worrying and stress is making me sick. I've been having migraines for the last month on an almost daily basis. I have a doctor appointment this week to see if there's another cause for my headaches, but I'm pretty sure it's the stress.
I am making it my number one goal to stop worrying about things I have no control over. I am going to have more fun and stress less. I'm going to do my best to enjoy this life and when things are stressing me out or worrying me, I am going to find healthy ways to deal with them, instead of keeping it all inside.
"You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
And latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith or pandemonium's
Liable to walk upon the scene"
All this worrying and stress is making me sick. I've been having migraines for the last month on an almost daily basis. I have a doctor appointment this week to see if there's another cause for my headaches, but I'm pretty sure it's the stress.
I am making it my number one goal to stop worrying about things I have no control over. I am going to have more fun and stress less. I'm going to do my best to enjoy this life and when things are stressing me out or worrying me, I am going to find healthy ways to deal with them, instead of keeping it all inside.
"You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
And latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith or pandemonium's
Liable to walk upon the scene"
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
I survived 20,000 penises with my nephew.....
Crazy, true story. Saturday night I was at Colin's girlfriend's grad party. Colin's mom was leaving and I wasn't ready to go yet, so I offered to give Colin a ride home, so he could spend some more time with Keira.
We're getting ready to leave and Derek texted, letting me know the naked bike ride was going on. I didn't really give it much thought, I'd read about the ride and knew it was going on, but I didn't think to ask where the ride was going to be, I figured it would be downtown, no where near where I was going.
Boy was I wrong!
We left Keira's house around 10 and started heading home. There was no traffic and we were making good time. As we were coming over the bridge, I noticed lots of police lights flashing and then I saw a bunch of naked bike riders right off the exit I wanted to take to get Colin home. No problem, I'll take the next exit, it's a little out of my way, but that should get us around of all the riders.
I start teasing Colin and making jokes about the naked riders. It was really funny when they were far away and you couldn't see that much of them. Of course, Colin pointed out that he was 18 now and could be one of them, that took the fun out of it for me, he'll always be my little nephew!
We take the next exit and start going west, but wow, more police cars blocking the way I want to go. OK, no problem, we'll just turn around and go east a little further up to the next main street. Colin and I both agree, this is a good plan.
We get to the next main street and it was smooth sailing all the way to Colin's street, where I need to turn right. Up ahead, I can see that the street I'm on is blocked several blocks south, thankfully, we were turning right, I thought we were in the clear, just 20 blocks to go.
Yeah, not so much.
Four blocks down, we were blocked. There was a cop car blocking the whole street. Damn, what now, this is the street we need, Colin's house is just a 5min drive from where we were. We tried to come up with another strategy and Colin decides to go ask the cop if he can tell us the best way around.
About 30 seconds after Colin gets out of the car, I see lots of lights coming up the street towards us and I realize we are about to be right in the middle of the naked bike ride. OH MY GOD, what have I done! Yes, I realize my nephew is not a little kid, he just turned 18, he's an adult, he could be riding his own bike in the naked bike ride if he wanted, but I was mortified none the less. I had driven him right in to the middle of thousands of naked people!!!
What was I to do? Colin gets back to the car and the riders are upon us, about 3 car lengths away, riding by us in all their naked glory. The cop said that we either had to wait it out or the only way to get him home was to take side streets around the riders. Well, I couldn't just sit there and watch the nakedness with my little nephew in the car, so we tried to find another way around.
We drove around another 10min, getting blocked at every turn and finally decided we'd just have to wait it out. I got us to a main intersection that had a huge line of cars and parked and waited.
At this point, Colin and I couldn't stop laughing. I mean seriously, we're less than 5min from his house and can't get there, because of thousands of naked bike riders. Colin calls his mom to let her know what's going on, I call Derek to let him know and of course, everyone is very amused by our predicament.
Then Colin decides to call Keira and let her know what's going on. She doesn't answer, so he has to leave a message. He decides to leave a cryptic message, something about 20,000 penises and then to me he says, "We need to make shirts. My shirt's going to say, I survived 20,000 penises with my Aunt Jen." Then I say, "OK, I'll make one that says, I survived 20, 000 penises with my nephew."
Colin's mom calls to check in and see where we're at, and he tell's her his idea about the shirts and she says "and twice as many boobs". And there's the back of our shirts.
It took about 20min for all the riders to go by and once the intersection was clear, I had Colin safely home in under 5 minutes.
What a crazy drive home. If I would have just taken the first exit, we would have been able to get by it all and I never would have been stuck watching the thousands of naked bike riders with my nephew.
Let me tell ya, this whole experience for me, gives whole new meaning to the phrase: "Keep Portland Weird" !
We're getting ready to leave and Derek texted, letting me know the naked bike ride was going on. I didn't really give it much thought, I'd read about the ride and knew it was going on, but I didn't think to ask where the ride was going to be, I figured it would be downtown, no where near where I was going.
Boy was I wrong!
We left Keira's house around 10 and started heading home. There was no traffic and we were making good time. As we were coming over the bridge, I noticed lots of police lights flashing and then I saw a bunch of naked bike riders right off the exit I wanted to take to get Colin home. No problem, I'll take the next exit, it's a little out of my way, but that should get us around of all the riders.
I start teasing Colin and making jokes about the naked riders. It was really funny when they were far away and you couldn't see that much of them. Of course, Colin pointed out that he was 18 now and could be one of them, that took the fun out of it for me, he'll always be my little nephew!
We take the next exit and start going west, but wow, more police cars blocking the way I want to go. OK, no problem, we'll just turn around and go east a little further up to the next main street. Colin and I both agree, this is a good plan.
We get to the next main street and it was smooth sailing all the way to Colin's street, where I need to turn right. Up ahead, I can see that the street I'm on is blocked several blocks south, thankfully, we were turning right, I thought we were in the clear, just 20 blocks to go.
Yeah, not so much.
Four blocks down, we were blocked. There was a cop car blocking the whole street. Damn, what now, this is the street we need, Colin's house is just a 5min drive from where we were. We tried to come up with another strategy and Colin decides to go ask the cop if he can tell us the best way around.
About 30 seconds after Colin gets out of the car, I see lots of lights coming up the street towards us and I realize we are about to be right in the middle of the naked bike ride. OH MY GOD, what have I done! Yes, I realize my nephew is not a little kid, he just turned 18, he's an adult, he could be riding his own bike in the naked bike ride if he wanted, but I was mortified none the less. I had driven him right in to the middle of thousands of naked people!!!
What was I to do? Colin gets back to the car and the riders are upon us, about 3 car lengths away, riding by us in all their naked glory. The cop said that we either had to wait it out or the only way to get him home was to take side streets around the riders. Well, I couldn't just sit there and watch the nakedness with my little nephew in the car, so we tried to find another way around.
We drove around another 10min, getting blocked at every turn and finally decided we'd just have to wait it out. I got us to a main intersection that had a huge line of cars and parked and waited.
At this point, Colin and I couldn't stop laughing. I mean seriously, we're less than 5min from his house and can't get there, because of thousands of naked bike riders. Colin calls his mom to let her know what's going on, I call Derek to let him know and of course, everyone is very amused by our predicament.
Then Colin decides to call Keira and let her know what's going on. She doesn't answer, so he has to leave a message. He decides to leave a cryptic message, something about 20,000 penises and then to me he says, "We need to make shirts. My shirt's going to say, I survived 20,000 penises with my Aunt Jen." Then I say, "OK, I'll make one that says, I survived 20, 000 penises with my nephew."
Colin's mom calls to check in and see where we're at, and he tell's her his idea about the shirts and she says "and twice as many boobs". And there's the back of our shirts.
It took about 20min for all the riders to go by and once the intersection was clear, I had Colin safely home in under 5 minutes.
What a crazy drive home. If I would have just taken the first exit, we would have been able to get by it all and I never would have been stuck watching the thousands of naked bike riders with my nephew.
Let me tell ya, this whole experience for me, gives whole new meaning to the phrase: "Keep Portland Weird" !
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Oh how time flies...
Today, my newphew is graduating from high school. Seems like just yesterday, he was a baby and now he's all grown up.
Watching Colin grow up has been one of the highlights of my life. I have so many wonderful memories. Him playing with our boxer, Bud, they were the best of friends. When he was discovering the joys of food and the different flavor combinations he'd come up with by adding everything to his cup of milk and then trying to get someone else to drink it. Story time, he used to drive me crazy with his "Tell me a story" rant that wouldn't let up, no matter how many stories you told. Going on our many trips to Disneyland (watch out for the prickly pear!). My favorite memory, when he learned he could pee outside, he didn't want to go anywhere else!
I am so proud of Colin and all his accomplishments. His amazing grades, he's graduating with more than a 4.0 GPA. His volunteer work, he's done many tours as an Outdoor school counselor, and he's also been a volunteer at OMSI for several years. The thing I'm most proud of is what a great kid he's turned out to be.
Colin's future is so bright and I am so fortunate that I get to be part of his life journey to see where it takes him.
I love you, Colin. You've made me so proud. Keep it up! I can't wait to see what you do next!
Watching Colin grow up has been one of the highlights of my life. I have so many wonderful memories. Him playing with our boxer, Bud, they were the best of friends. When he was discovering the joys of food and the different flavor combinations he'd come up with by adding everything to his cup of milk and then trying to get someone else to drink it. Story time, he used to drive me crazy with his "Tell me a story" rant that wouldn't let up, no matter how many stories you told. Going on our many trips to Disneyland (watch out for the prickly pear!). My favorite memory, when he learned he could pee outside, he didn't want to go anywhere else!
I am so proud of Colin and all his accomplishments. His amazing grades, he's graduating with more than a 4.0 GPA. His volunteer work, he's done many tours as an Outdoor school counselor, and he's also been a volunteer at OMSI for several years. The thing I'm most proud of is what a great kid he's turned out to be.
Colin's future is so bright and I am so fortunate that I get to be part of his life journey to see where it takes him.
I love you, Colin. You've made me so proud. Keep it up! I can't wait to see what you do next!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
My 12 mile challenge
Last week, Derek, my friend Meredith and I hiked the fort to sea trail. It's 12 miles round trip.
I wasn't sure I could do it, I've never hiked that far in one day. I had a couple months to get ready, but I didn't do much as I could or should have. I just didn't know what to expect.
I did the obvious things to get ready. I bought a back pack, a good pair of walking/hiking shoes, thick socks, a bladder for my pack, I took some long walks, wore my new shoes every day, but I should have done more.
All in all, I did really well on the hike. At the half way point, I had an out, I could have called Meredith's husband to come get me, but I didn't. It was a huge accomplishment for me to walk the 6 miles, I wanted to go even bigger and do the whole 12.
It was hard and my shoes killed my feet (the thing I should have done was get those good and broken in before I hiked that far, my blisters had blisters!), but even as hard as it was and as tired and sore as I was, it was one of the most awesome things I've ever done.
I am excited and very much looking forward to future hikes. First things first, I need to get my shoes broken in, plus I need to use the treadmill at the gym to strengthen my legs and get them more in shape for hills. If it was flat, I could probably have walked 20 miles, it's the hills that killed me.
I have to say a HUGE thank you to Derek and Mer, I don't think I could have done it without them. They were so supportive and stuck by me. I was hurting and probably not very much fun to be around, but they helped pull me through.
I wasn't sure I could do it, I've never hiked that far in one day. I had a couple months to get ready, but I didn't do much as I could or should have. I just didn't know what to expect.
I did the obvious things to get ready. I bought a back pack, a good pair of walking/hiking shoes, thick socks, a bladder for my pack, I took some long walks, wore my new shoes every day, but I should have done more.
All in all, I did really well on the hike. At the half way point, I had an out, I could have called Meredith's husband to come get me, but I didn't. It was a huge accomplishment for me to walk the 6 miles, I wanted to go even bigger and do the whole 12.
It was hard and my shoes killed my feet (the thing I should have done was get those good and broken in before I hiked that far, my blisters had blisters!), but even as hard as it was and as tired and sore as I was, it was one of the most awesome things I've ever done.
I am excited and very much looking forward to future hikes. First things first, I need to get my shoes broken in, plus I need to use the treadmill at the gym to strengthen my legs and get them more in shape for hills. If it was flat, I could probably have walked 20 miles, it's the hills that killed me.
I have to say a HUGE thank you to Derek and Mer, I don't think I could have done it without them. They were so supportive and stuck by me. I was hurting and probably not very much fun to be around, but they helped pull me through.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Doggie Dash
Saturday was the 24th Annual Doggie Dash. It's a race/walk to raise money for the Oregon Humane Society. The company I work for was sponsoring and had free entries, so I decided to do the 2.5 mile bridge to bridge walk.
Both mom and Derek agreed to join me, along with mom's dog, Pepper. We would have taken my dog, Rikki, but her shots aren't up to date, so she had to stay home. Next year, she'll get to go for sure.
I was a little worried how the weather would be. The last couple weeks the weather has gone from sunny one day to pouring down rain the next. Friday was beautiful, so I figured Saturday it would be pouring, but no, it was perfect. Partly cloudy, no rain, no wind. We couldn't have asked for better weather for our walk.
We got to the waterfront, got registered and I was overwhelmed by all the dogs. They came in every shape, size and color, from the tiniest tea cup chihuahua to the biggest Irish wolfhound. It was the coolest thing!
Everyone was so nice and friendly and dogs were all getting along for the most part. It was weird how little barking there was. You'd think with that many people/dogs in one place it would be really loud, but wasn't any different than any other festival on the waterfront.
We started our walk between SW Stark and Pine and went up and over the Hawthorne Bridge, along the Eastbank Esplanade, across the Steel Bridge and then back to the waterfront. It was really fun walking across the bridges, the views were great. 2.5 miles on concrete is a rough walk, but I did better than I thought I would. I was breaking in my new walking shoes and my feet and legs felt pretty good afterwards.
All in all, it was a really awesome day and such a great, fun experience. I would do it again in a heartbeat!
Both mom and Derek agreed to join me, along with mom's dog, Pepper. We would have taken my dog, Rikki, but her shots aren't up to date, so she had to stay home. Next year, she'll get to go for sure.
I was a little worried how the weather would be. The last couple weeks the weather has gone from sunny one day to pouring down rain the next. Friday was beautiful, so I figured Saturday it would be pouring, but no, it was perfect. Partly cloudy, no rain, no wind. We couldn't have asked for better weather for our walk.
We got to the waterfront, got registered and I was overwhelmed by all the dogs. They came in every shape, size and color, from the tiniest tea cup chihuahua to the biggest Irish wolfhound. It was the coolest thing!
Everyone was so nice and friendly and dogs were all getting along for the most part. It was weird how little barking there was. You'd think with that many people/dogs in one place it would be really loud, but wasn't any different than any other festival on the waterfront.
We started our walk between SW Stark and Pine and went up and over the Hawthorne Bridge, along the Eastbank Esplanade, across the Steel Bridge and then back to the waterfront. It was really fun walking across the bridges, the views were great. 2.5 miles on concrete is a rough walk, but I did better than I thought I would. I was breaking in my new walking shoes and my feet and legs felt pretty good afterwards.
All in all, it was a really awesome day and such a great, fun experience. I would do it again in a heartbeat!
Friday, May 13, 2011
The Host
I have a new favortite book, The Host by Stephanie Meyer. She wrote the Twilight series, which I love, but this book is even better. It's a great love story with some sci-fi thrown in. It's a really cool take on an invasion of the body snatchers story.
I started reading the book and I couldn't put it down. It's over 600 pages and I had it read in less than 4 days.
If you're looking for a good book, read The Host, I highly recommend this book!!!
I started reading the book and I couldn't put it down. It's over 600 pages and I had it read in less than 4 days.
If you're looking for a good book, read The Host, I highly recommend this book!!!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Over a month in to spring and no sun
Here it is, May 11th and it's another day of rain and I'm SOOOO tired of it! I want and need sunshine! I want at least a week of consecutive sunny days to wash away the gray for good!
I love living in Oregon, can't imagine living anywhere else, but when spring arrives and it doesn't bring the sun, just more rain, I feel robbed! All I want is to be outside. Every time there's a sunny day, I make sure I spend as much time outside as I can, because seems like each sunny day is followed by rain, rain and more rain!
I say Bring it on, rain, you can't last forever! You're not going to keep me inside, either. I am making plans to hike and walk and vacation and if it's all in the rain, so be it. You're not going to keep this native Oregonian inside!
I love living in Oregon, can't imagine living anywhere else, but when spring arrives and it doesn't bring the sun, just more rain, I feel robbed! All I want is to be outside. Every time there's a sunny day, I make sure I spend as much time outside as I can, because seems like each sunny day is followed by rain, rain and more rain!
I say Bring it on, rain, you can't last forever! You're not going to keep me inside, either. I am making plans to hike and walk and vacation and if it's all in the rain, so be it. You're not going to keep this native Oregonian inside!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
Bye bye writers block
I think I've finally slayed the writer's block dragon. I wrote out some of the feelings I was keeping bottled inside. I haven't posted it, might not ever post it, but at least it's out of me.
It's so funny, I started this blog for me, not for anyone else, yet, I feel as though I have to censor myself , because I know who reads this and I don't want to hurt any of those people, which then gives me writers block, then I start to feel gross, because I have all these thoughts that are running around in my head instead of me writing them and letting them out of me. Which really defeats the purpose of writing my blog in the first place.
So, to my friends, family and people that I love dearly, I'm writing this for me and if I say something here that hurts you or upsets you, I'm sorry, that is not my intention. This blog is my therapy and it has done wonders for me and helped me tremendously. Thank you for all your love and support, it means everything to me :)
It's so funny, I started this blog for me, not for anyone else, yet, I feel as though I have to censor myself , because I know who reads this and I don't want to hurt any of those people, which then gives me writers block, then I start to feel gross, because I have all these thoughts that are running around in my head instead of me writing them and letting them out of me. Which really defeats the purpose of writing my blog in the first place.
So, to my friends, family and people that I love dearly, I'm writing this for me and if I say something here that hurts you or upsets you, I'm sorry, that is not my intention. This blog is my therapy and it has done wonders for me and helped me tremendously. Thank you for all your love and support, it means everything to me :)
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Writers block
I can't write. I've tried writing a blog a ton of times and nothing is coming out. Part of it is that I don't know what to say, part of it is that there are things I want to say, but don't know how. Writing this blog has been a huge help for me, it's been very therapeutic, being blocked is not good for me.
Writing has always been a huge de-stresser for me, I need to get unblocked so I can get the stress out. I've been working out and reading a lot, that helps with the stress. I'm ready to start writing again, I just need to find some inspiration.
So, I'm blocked. It sucks and is frustrating, but maybe writing this small bit will help unblock me get me back on track and get the juices flowing again.
Writing has always been a huge de-stresser for me, I need to get unblocked so I can get the stress out. I've been working out and reading a lot, that helps with the stress. I'm ready to start writing again, I just need to find some inspiration.
So, I'm blocked. It sucks and is frustrating, but maybe writing this small bit will help unblock me get me back on track and get the juices flowing again.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Lost in a good book
I love a good book. I love getting lost in a book. I love the excitement I feel as I near the end and everything starts falling in to place. I love a book that can make me laugh out loud, cry, sob, bawl, get angry, and most of all I love when a book surprises me.
As a child, my favorites included all fairy tales, anything by Dr. Seuss and of course, my all time favorite, the Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. To this day, when I need to read something familiar, something comfortable, something that feels like home, I re-read all the Little House books from beginning to end.
My taste in books is wide and varied, but I definitely lean towards sci-fi/fantasy as my go to genre.
My current favorite author is Laurell K Hamilton. She writes two series, Anita Blake, the vampire hunter and Meredith Gentry, the fairy princess. I'm in love with both series, but the Merry Gentry series is my favorite of the two.
Other books and series of books that I enjoy and would recommend:
Dean Koontz:
Odd Thomas (the first book in a series of books about the character Odd Thomas, the first is the best, I absolutely love Odd)
Gregory McGuire:
The Wicked Years (the entire series, Wicked, Son of a Witch and Lion Among Men). The books take the Wizard of Oz and put an interesting spin on it, looking through the eyes of the Wicked Witch. They are dark and a little hard to read, but definitely worth the effort.
Audrey Niffenegger:
The Time Travelers Wife (a beautiful love story, I was so caught up in this book, I sobbed through the last 100 pages)
Marisa De Los Santos:
Love Walked In (my most recent book, recommended by my friend, Anna, wonderful love story that keeps you on your toes and is not at all what you expect)
Harper Lee:
To Kill A Mockingbird (a classic)
Stieg Larsson:
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (a mystery, not my favorite genre, but once you get through the first chapter, it takes you on a wild ride you never want to end!)
Anne Rice:
I love most of what Anne Rice wrote, before she "found God", but my favorite was her series about the Mayfair Witches.
George RR Martin:
His series, A Song of Ice and Fire, is probably the best sci-fi series there is. My only complaint is that he wrote 4 of the best books I've ever read with characters that I love, but he's taking forever to finish the series. Thus far there are 4 books and 3 more to come, but no idea when they'll be out. I've read the first 4 books through twice in the last 3 years and am trying very hard to wait patiently for the last 3, my hope is that he's writing the last 3 all at once and they'll come out consecutively when they do. I hope!
JK Rowling:
Harry Potter (what can I say, I love Harry Potter.)
Brandon Mull:
The Fablehaven series (Kendra and Seth go to stay with their grandparents who run a magical preserve for mystical creatures, the 5 book series is wonderful, I only wish there were more)
Stephenie Meyer:
The Twilight series - I was boycotting these books. No way was I going to get caught up in the Bella/Edward/Jacob love triangle. Then everyone started telling me how good the books were, I didn't want to read them, but people I trusted said they were good, so I gave them a shot. I wanted to hate them, I wanted them to be horrible, but they weren't. I think Bella Swan is weak and pathetic and vampires aren't supposed to be shiny and glittery in the sun, but somehow, I didn't hate the books, somehow, they kept me on my toes, kept me entertained and made me fall in love with them. The movies on the other hand, they are crap. I watched the first 2 and they were so awful, I don't understand how people can watch them!
Stephen King:
I'm VERY picky about my Stephen King. Some of his books, I can't stand. I have never been able to get into the Dark Tower series, my mom and brother love them, but I just couldn't get in to them. Cell, to me it was just like he re-adapted the Stand, using a cell phone instead of a plague, not good. Others of his books, I love and could read over and over and over again. The Stand, Rose Madder, Insomnia, Duma Key, The Talisman (co-written with Peter Straub), The Eyes of the Dragon and short stories like The Mist, The Monkey, The Jaunt, Mrs. Todd's Shortcut, keep me riveted and show what a genius Stephen King truly is.
Another thing that makes Stephen King so great is that the novels they turn in to movies, like Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile and Stand by Me are so true to the original story, you don't lose anything in the translation.
My reading list gets longer all the time, which in turn elongates my list of favorites, I can't help myself. I love to read, I love to get lost in another time and place, to fall so in love with a character, I miss them when the book is finished.
As a child, my favorites included all fairy tales, anything by Dr. Seuss and of course, my all time favorite, the Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. To this day, when I need to read something familiar, something comfortable, something that feels like home, I re-read all the Little House books from beginning to end.
My taste in books is wide and varied, but I definitely lean towards sci-fi/fantasy as my go to genre.
My current favorite author is Laurell K Hamilton. She writes two series, Anita Blake, the vampire hunter and Meredith Gentry, the fairy princess. I'm in love with both series, but the Merry Gentry series is my favorite of the two.
Other books and series of books that I enjoy and would recommend:
Dean Koontz:
Odd Thomas (the first book in a series of books about the character Odd Thomas, the first is the best, I absolutely love Odd)
Gregory McGuire:
The Wicked Years (the entire series, Wicked, Son of a Witch and Lion Among Men). The books take the Wizard of Oz and put an interesting spin on it, looking through the eyes of the Wicked Witch. They are dark and a little hard to read, but definitely worth the effort.
Audrey Niffenegger:
The Time Travelers Wife (a beautiful love story, I was so caught up in this book, I sobbed through the last 100 pages)
Marisa De Los Santos:
Love Walked In (my most recent book, recommended by my friend, Anna, wonderful love story that keeps you on your toes and is not at all what you expect)
Harper Lee:
To Kill A Mockingbird (a classic)
Stieg Larsson:
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (a mystery, not my favorite genre, but once you get through the first chapter, it takes you on a wild ride you never want to end!)
Anne Rice:
I love most of what Anne Rice wrote, before she "found God", but my favorite was her series about the Mayfair Witches.
George RR Martin:
His series, A Song of Ice and Fire, is probably the best sci-fi series there is. My only complaint is that he wrote 4 of the best books I've ever read with characters that I love, but he's taking forever to finish the series. Thus far there are 4 books and 3 more to come, but no idea when they'll be out. I've read the first 4 books through twice in the last 3 years and am trying very hard to wait patiently for the last 3, my hope is that he's writing the last 3 all at once and they'll come out consecutively when they do. I hope!
JK Rowling:
Harry Potter (what can I say, I love Harry Potter.)
Brandon Mull:
The Fablehaven series (Kendra and Seth go to stay with their grandparents who run a magical preserve for mystical creatures, the 5 book series is wonderful, I only wish there were more)
Stephenie Meyer:
The Twilight series - I was boycotting these books. No way was I going to get caught up in the Bella/Edward/Jacob love triangle. Then everyone started telling me how good the books were, I didn't want to read them, but people I trusted said they were good, so I gave them a shot. I wanted to hate them, I wanted them to be horrible, but they weren't. I think Bella Swan is weak and pathetic and vampires aren't supposed to be shiny and glittery in the sun, but somehow, I didn't hate the books, somehow, they kept me on my toes, kept me entertained and made me fall in love with them. The movies on the other hand, they are crap. I watched the first 2 and they were so awful, I don't understand how people can watch them!
Stephen King:
I'm VERY picky about my Stephen King. Some of his books, I can't stand. I have never been able to get into the Dark Tower series, my mom and brother love them, but I just couldn't get in to them. Cell, to me it was just like he re-adapted the Stand, using a cell phone instead of a plague, not good. Others of his books, I love and could read over and over and over again. The Stand, Rose Madder, Insomnia, Duma Key, The Talisman (co-written with Peter Straub), The Eyes of the Dragon and short stories like The Mist, The Monkey, The Jaunt, Mrs. Todd's Shortcut, keep me riveted and show what a genius Stephen King truly is.
Another thing that makes Stephen King so great is that the novels they turn in to movies, like Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile and Stand by Me are so true to the original story, you don't lose anything in the translation.
My reading list gets longer all the time, which in turn elongates my list of favorites, I can't help myself. I love to read, I love to get lost in another time and place, to fall so in love with a character, I miss them when the book is finished.
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