Life doesn't always turn out the way we expect. When we are 18 years old and our whole life is ahead of us, we have all these hopes and dreams for future and how GREAT life is going to be and then REAL life happens.
My whole life I've dreamt of being a mom, but it just hasn't happened for me yet. I am truly thankful I didn't get pregnant in my 20's, I wasn't ready and would have been a horrible mother. I am also happy I didn't get pregnant in my early 30's, I needed therapy, badly and would have been a horrible mother.
At 39, I realize my window of fertility is closing, but my dream isn't going away. For the first time in my life, I feel like I finally have the tools to be a good mother, but I'm still not ready, not quite yet.
Some friends and family have accused me of giving up on my dream, because I'm not dating or because I'm not out actively looking for a sperm donor, which frustrates me to no end. Let's be clear, I will NEVER give up on my dream of being a mom, but I have to be realistic. Even if I met the man of my dreams tomorrow, who's to say that I'd be able to get pregnant? Considering that I'm almost 40 and have yet to meet the man of my dreams, I have to look at other options, like being a single mom by adoption, foster parenting or even a sperm donor.
I don't really want to be a single mom, but I will be if I have to. If I do decide to be a single mom, whether I find a sperm donor or adopt, right now, I'm not financially stable enough to take care of myself and a child. The main reason I went back to school, was so I could get to a place where, if I have to, I can afford to be a single parent.
I know my friends and family aren't being mean or trying to hurt me, when they question me about "giving" up, they all know how badly I want to be a mother. The problem is no one understands. I don't have anyone in my circle who is going through what I'm going through. Which makes it hard to try and talk about it, because if you haven't been there, you don't know what it's like.
Dating sucks. I either meet jerks or meet "the man of my dreams" and get my heart broken. I'm tired of it and need a break. I might decide to give on-line dating another shot, I might not. That doesn't mean I'm not open to dating, but internet dating wasn't working for me. I know it works great for some people, but I've given it a shot, been on hundreds of dates and I'm burnt.
Being single and trying to make a decision to be a single mom sucks even more than dating and going on bad dates or having my heart broken. If I do as some have suggested and just go out to a bar and have random sex with strangers until I get pregnant, how do I explain to my child who their father is when they're old enough to ask?
If I go to a sperm bank and choose anonymous sperm and get artificially inseminated, how do I explain that to my child, family, friends, strangers? Just bringing it up to family and friends gets me looks of disgust, bewilderment and even laughter, as if I'd joke about something so serious. Is going to a sperm donor and getting artificially inseminated really that horrible of an option?
I had a friend, who like many others was upset by the thought of me choosing a random donor and made an offer to "donate to my cause", but as much as I love this person I don't think it will ever happen. His girlfriend would NEVER allow it. Which sucks, he's perfect. He is a wonderful person, kind, caring, respectful and would be a great role model for a child to look up to.
If I was able to get pregnant and have a child from his donation, at least when my child was old enough, I'd be able to take them to meet "Uncle B". I could say that "Once upon a time, I loved "Uncle B", but we just weren't meant to be a couple and because "Uncle B" knew how much I wanted to be a mommy, he gave me the best gift ever and helped me make you."
Since that's not going to happen, I have a couple other guys that I'm close with and could ask, but not until I'm at least half way through school and on my way to making more money.
Someday, I will be a mom, whether it's to a child that I gave birth to or a child I choose, it will happen. I will never give up my dream and never surrender the hope I have to make that dream come true. I want to be a great mom and to be able to give my child a good life. I know it will be rough being a single parent, but if that's what I have to do, I'll do it. Nobody can make this decision for me, nor do they have any right to judge me on how I decide to go about making my dream come true.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Countdown to relaxation
Next week, I'm taking a much needed resting vacation. I will have school Tuesday and Thursday night, but the rest of the week is all about me relaxing and visiting with friends and family.
I had originally taken the week off, because a friend was going to come visit, but his plans changed and he won't be able to make it. I could have canceled my vacation, but I decided to keep it, because I am really burnt out. Too much work and school and not enough FUN!
My fingers are crossed that we'll have some decent summer weather. There are a lot of things I'd like to do outside while I'm off. Working on the yard will be a priority! As well as getting in a few hikes. I have done very little walking this year so far and I need to get my butt out there and get moving.
Just two more days of work and I'll have 9 days off. WOO HOO, bring on the rest, relaxation, good food and good friends :)
I had originally taken the week off, because a friend was going to come visit, but his plans changed and he won't be able to make it. I could have canceled my vacation, but I decided to keep it, because I am really burnt out. Too much work and school and not enough FUN!
My fingers are crossed that we'll have some decent summer weather. There are a lot of things I'd like to do outside while I'm off. Working on the yard will be a priority! As well as getting in a few hikes. I have done very little walking this year so far and I need to get my butt out there and get moving.
Just two more days of work and I'll have 9 days off. WOO HOO, bring on the rest, relaxation, good food and good friends :)
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Truth
Truth. This brings tears to my eyes. I care, I respect, I love, I try, I am open, I am honest, but it's a two way street and when I get none of that in return, I have to let go. I don't want to and it kills me to go away, but at some point, I have to take the hint. If you're not going to care, respect, love, try, be open and be honest in return, there's no reason for me to stick around. No, I will never stop caring, but I'll take the hint and go.
Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness,
and everything to do with strength.
We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth and value,
but because we finally realize our own.
— Unknown
and everything to do with strength.
We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth and value,
but because we finally realize our own.
— Unknown
And now for some comedy, because I've had enough serious for today:
TRUTH! Of this I am sure. Once a douche, always a douche ;-)
Truth! Kids are fun and love to play and pretend. Don't be a Scrooge and ruin it for them. YOU ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE! Or drink the tea or eat the play-doh, you do it and you will like it :D
TRUTH! Oh my, if I had a dollar for all the things I've read on Facebook that didn't belong on Facebook, I'd be rich!
Absolute TRUTH! I am awesome and so are you! You might not think it or feel it, but you are, I guarantee it. Believe in yourself!
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Straight A Student
I got my grades back for spring term and once again, I got straight A's :) WOO HOO!
My business class was my hardest yet and I was really worried. We covered a lot of new material, did a lot of reading, A LOT, plus had 2 group projects.
I have a great sense of pride and accomplishment in achieving that A.
Next up, summer term. I'm only taking one 5 week class, accounting, then I'll have two months off. My instructor has already been emailing everyone to let them know it will be a tough class and to be ready. I've already started reading the book and doing the exercises. I want to get this class done and out of the way, I am ready for a two month break!
My business class was my hardest yet and I was really worried. We covered a lot of new material, did a lot of reading, A LOT, plus had 2 group projects.
I have a great sense of pride and accomplishment in achieving that A.
Next up, summer term. I'm only taking one 5 week class, accounting, then I'll have two months off. My instructor has already been emailing everyone to let them know it will be a tough class and to be ready. I've already started reading the book and doing the exercises. I want to get this class done and out of the way, I am ready for a two month break!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Happy Birthday to me!
My birthday is fast approaching and this week, I've been doing a lot of reflecting. I actually started writing a really depressing blog about how old I am and how upset I am that I haven't accomplished anything with my life, but then I stopped and took a step back. I started thinking about my life and who I used to be and who I am now and all that I have accomplished, I have no reason to be sad!
I have grown so much and made so many positive changes in my life. Even if I am not where I thought I'd be at this stage in my life, I can't be sad, I am proud of myself for coming this far and overcoming so many things.
This year, alone, I have made so many wonderful, positive changes in my life! I am working full time and am going to school, almost full time. I have a real attainable goal that I am working towards and it feels GREAT!
I broke up with someone that was not treating me well and have now been single for 9 months. Sometimes I feel down and really alone, but every time I think about how it was with him, I know I made the right choice and being lonely or down, is nothing compared to the way I felt when we were together. This is better!
Last summer, I went on 3 major hikes where I hiked 8 or more miles. Something I never thought I'd be able to do, but I did. On the first hike, the 12 mile, Fort to Sea hike, I had an out, I could have given up after 6 miles and gotten a ride back to town, but I didn't. My feet hurt, my blisters had blisters, but I pushed myself and did the whole thing.
If you would have asked me at 20, where I thought I'd be at almost 40, this doesn't even remotely resemble what I thought I'd be doing or where I'd be, but you know what, that doesn't make it wrong. It's my life and as quirky and messed up as some of it has been, it's my life, my journey and I am so proud of where I'm at and how far I've come.
Everything that has happend to bring me to this point of my life has been a learning experience and I'm better for it. Age is just a number, I'm not going to let that number get me down. I'm happy and proud and damn, I look good :)
I have grown so much and made so many positive changes in my life. Even if I am not where I thought I'd be at this stage in my life, I can't be sad, I am proud of myself for coming this far and overcoming so many things.
This year, alone, I have made so many wonderful, positive changes in my life! I am working full time and am going to school, almost full time. I have a real attainable goal that I am working towards and it feels GREAT!
I broke up with someone that was not treating me well and have now been single for 9 months. Sometimes I feel down and really alone, but every time I think about how it was with him, I know I made the right choice and being lonely or down, is nothing compared to the way I felt when we were together. This is better!
Last summer, I went on 3 major hikes where I hiked 8 or more miles. Something I never thought I'd be able to do, but I did. On the first hike, the 12 mile, Fort to Sea hike, I had an out, I could have given up after 6 miles and gotten a ride back to town, but I didn't. My feet hurt, my blisters had blisters, but I pushed myself and did the whole thing.
If you would have asked me at 20, where I thought I'd be at almost 40, this doesn't even remotely resemble what I thought I'd be doing or where I'd be, but you know what, that doesn't make it wrong. It's my life and as quirky and messed up as some of it has been, it's my life, my journey and I am so proud of where I'm at and how far I've come.
Everything that has happend to bring me to this point of my life has been a learning experience and I'm better for it. Age is just a number, I'm not going to let that number get me down. I'm happy and proud and damn, I look good :)
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Dreaming in color
I dream pretty much every night, mostly in color and I remember most of them. Some dreams stick with me longer than others, for whatever reason. The ones where something really traumatic happens and I wake up crying or others are so ridiculously absurd that they stick with me for days.
A long time ago, I kept a dream journal and wrote down all my dreams. I've kind of gone away from that, I just don't have the time, but it was always fun to write them down, then read about them months later. I still remember a dream I had about Annabel the Anaconda from when I was in my early 20's!
This morning, I dreamt of someone I love and was once close to. I can still smell his skin, feel his lips on mine, see the color of his eyes, the dream was that vivid. In my dream, I was so excited to be close to him again, I wouldn't let him go, couldn't stop kissing him. I kept waiting for him to push me away and tell me to stop, but this was my dream and he was just as eager to kiss me as I was to kiss him. He was holding me so tight and wouldn't let go.
I've been awake for four hours and that dream is still with me. I ache for the closeness he and I once had, to feel his skin on mine, to experience that fiery passion that ignites every time we're near each other.
Really though, I don't think the dream was about him, as much as it was about how lonely I've been feeling lately. Monday night, I got a perfect score on a paper and wanted so desperately to call someone and share my excitement, but I didn't have anybody to call. Sucks.
I'm not really "alone" either, I have a huge support system of friends and family, no, it's not the same as having a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner, but right now, all I have are friends and family, which is more than a lot of people have. Someday, I will have a partner, the right one, for now, I am very thankful for all my friends and family. I can't imagine my life without them!
A long time ago, I kept a dream journal and wrote down all my dreams. I've kind of gone away from that, I just don't have the time, but it was always fun to write them down, then read about them months later. I still remember a dream I had about Annabel the Anaconda from when I was in my early 20's!
This morning, I dreamt of someone I love and was once close to. I can still smell his skin, feel his lips on mine, see the color of his eyes, the dream was that vivid. In my dream, I was so excited to be close to him again, I wouldn't let him go, couldn't stop kissing him. I kept waiting for him to push me away and tell me to stop, but this was my dream and he was just as eager to kiss me as I was to kiss him. He was holding me so tight and wouldn't let go.
I've been awake for four hours and that dream is still with me. I ache for the closeness he and I once had, to feel his skin on mine, to experience that fiery passion that ignites every time we're near each other.
Really though, I don't think the dream was about him, as much as it was about how lonely I've been feeling lately. Monday night, I got a perfect score on a paper and wanted so desperately to call someone and share my excitement, but I didn't have anybody to call. Sucks.
I'm not really "alone" either, I have a huge support system of friends and family, no, it's not the same as having a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner, but right now, all I have are friends and family, which is more than a lot of people have. Someday, I will have a partner, the right one, for now, I am very thankful for all my friends and family. I can't imagine my life without them!
Progress report
Just one more week and spring term will be in the books. I have a couple finals and a group presentation, I'm pretty confident all will go well and I'll get A's in both classes. I'm much more confident about the A in math than the A in business, but I'm optimistic. I always give myself such a hard time and worry about my grades, but I need to stop that, I'm doing really well and have a lot to be proud of.
This term has been extremely stressful, not just because my classes have been more difficult, but work has been more stressful as well. One of my co-workers has been on maternity leave, which has increased my workload. I think I'm doing all right, I haven't had any major meltdowns, but I am really stressed out, on total overload and ready for a break.
Thankfully, I've been able to schedule some vacation and a couple of long weekends over the next couple of months. I've got two beach trips planned and just one week with nothing planned, which is nice. I've had enough of syllabuses and schedules for a while.
A year ago, I never would have thought that any of this was possible. Working, going to school and being successful at both. I just didn't think I had it in me, yet here I am, 6 months in and I am so proud of myself for all I've been able to accomplish and really thankful for the support of friends, family and co-workers.
I am far stronger and way smarter than I have given myself credit for. I'm ready to lay the doubt to rest and stand up strong, confident and successful!
This term has been extremely stressful, not just because my classes have been more difficult, but work has been more stressful as well. One of my co-workers has been on maternity leave, which has increased my workload. I think I'm doing all right, I haven't had any major meltdowns, but I am really stressed out, on total overload and ready for a break.
Thankfully, I've been able to schedule some vacation and a couple of long weekends over the next couple of months. I've got two beach trips planned and just one week with nothing planned, which is nice. I've had enough of syllabuses and schedules for a while.
A year ago, I never would have thought that any of this was possible. Working, going to school and being successful at both. I just didn't think I had it in me, yet here I am, 6 months in and I am so proud of myself for all I've been able to accomplish and really thankful for the support of friends, family and co-workers.
I am far stronger and way smarter than I have given myself credit for. I'm ready to lay the doubt to rest and stand up strong, confident and successful!
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