In my quest for happily ever after, I go on a lot of first dates. I use internet dating sites (currently I'm using Match.com, I've also used Plentyoffish.com as well as Yahoo Personals, we'll get in to those more later).
Yesterday, a guy emailed me and we started a back and forth email and instant messaging conversation. Looking briefly through his profile, it didn't look like we really "matched", but through our conversation it seemed like we had a lot in common.
We both like a lot of the same music, we both have a romantic side, he was funny, very kind, polite and respectful. The conversation flowed really well. When he asked to meet for dinner, I couldn't say no, I was curious to see if the online chemistry would translate in person.
After he logged off for a meeting, I went back and checked out his profile again and there were a couple red flags I had missed when I initially scanned his profile. One, he's separated, two he has more than 3 kids and probably didn't want more.
Hmmmm, that's a dilemma. In my experience, someone who's just separated still has a lot of drama in their life with their ex and not only that, but I dated a guy who was separated and he ended up getting back together with his wife. Also, I really want to have a baby, something I've always wanted, so if he was dead set against having a child, that wouldn't work.
I thought about cancelling our date, but I really wanted to give him a chance. What if he was the one?
While I was getting ready, he called and he has a really nice voice and on the phone, we still had the same chemistry as online. Conversation flowed, he made me laugh, all good things. I was getting nervous and a little excited, this could be good!
We met at Old Chicago and he is a pretty good looking guy. YAY! I've been on dates where the guy didn't look anything like his pictures or he weighed significantly more than he did in his pictures and that's a huge turn off. No, looks aren't everything, but if you're led to believe one thing and then find out it's another, it's a little bit of a lie. I have more than 10 pictures on my profile, all recent, some with make up, some without, some full body shots, some that aren't the most flattering, but I want to give a guy a great idea of what I look like.
In person, the chemistry was just as good as on line. I can't say that I felt a huge physical attraction, but that doesn't always happen for me right away, so I wasn't worried. He was just as kind, sweet and funny in person as he had been online. Things were going really well.
We talked about his kids, he has 4. You can tell he really loves them and they are very important to him, sounds like he's a really good dad. I like that.
I was talking a lot and felt really comfortable talking to him. We were teasing back and forth, it was really good, really easy.
Then he told me the deal breaker. I didn't really see this one coming. He is separated from his wife, but they're still living in the same house. This is going to sound really bad, but I could never trust him, knowing that he was living in the same house with someone he used to love and be intimate with.
How do I know they aren't sleeping in the same bed? How do I know she won't come to him tomorrow and ask to work things out? How do I know they're really separated and he's just not cheating on his wife?
I was very honest with him and told him I didn't think I could date him. I felt really bad, he's such a nice guy and he seems genuine, but I can't put myself in that position. He was very understanding, but it was hard for me, when everything else was so good, but I just can't take the chance that he's lying and cheating on his wife or that they'll get back together. I'm not willing to do that to myself.
I have nothing bad to say about the guy, it was a good date. It was nice to go out with someone who wasn't bringing up sex or disrespecting me. I feel bad that I can't get passed his living situation, but with my history, I just know that I'd never feel secure in our relationship and that wouldn't be fair to either of us.
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