Me and the bad boys

I have a horrible habit of dating the bad boys, guys that aren't right for me, guys that disrespect me and inevitably end up breaking my heart.

Part of my problem is that my dad was not the best example. He lied to me, controlled me, physically and emotionally abused me and I look for guys that do the same.

If I'm going to find my life partner, I need to break that habit. I don't want to go through my life with someone who treats me badly. I deserve someone who loves me and will treat me with respect.

I have made some really horrible choices. When I was in my early twenties, I fell in "love" with a guy who used me and stole from me and my family. I was heartbroken and devastated that I was so desperate that I could let that happen.

During that time, from 20 to 23, I was a mess. I was so desperate to have a man, to be loved by a man, that all it would take is one kiss, 5min of attention from a guy and I was in "love". More than one guy took advantage of that and really, I don't blame them.

At 23, I met a guy who seemed like he might be the guy for me. He had a good job as a mechanic, he was cute, funny and sweet and he said he loved me, this was a first. Unfortunately, he was really bad with money, really immature and just not a very good boyfriend. He drank a lot, a borderline alcoholic I think. He was also a momma's boy and was looking for a woman to take care of him.

I can honestly say, I wasn't the best girlfriend, I had my own issues. I was also bad with money, I was very insecure and I just didn't know how to be a good girlfriend.

It took me a while to realize I wasn't in love with him, I'm not sure if I ever was.

From 25 to 30, I was single and celibate. It wasn't like I made a conscious decision at the time, that's just what happened. I didn't like meeting guys in bars and before internet dating, where else did you meet people?

When I finally started dating again, it seemed like my luck had changed. I met a few nice guys, then met my fiance.

I met C on Yahoo personals. Looking back now, I never should have gone on a second date with him. He didn't want kids, had no desire to be a parent or have a family, that should have been it. I can't even say what it was about him, looking back, it was probably that he was a like my dad, but I couldn't see it.

C was controlling, but not overtly, he was very negative and emtionally abusive. Yet, I was madly in love with him. I would probably be married to him right now, if he hadn't fallen in love with my best friend. That's a whole other story in itself.

After C and I broke up, I went to therapy and I'd love to say I never let another guy control or take advantage of me again, but I did.

Why can't I learn my lesson?

I dated a 25 year old for 3 months, that was so young and so immature and had no money. I had to pay for everything and was constantly taking care of him and helping him with his problems. I was hoping he'd grow up, but that wasn't going to happen as long as I kept taking care of him.

I dated a guy who regularly lied and constantly disrespected me. I believed he could be a great guy, he had so much potential, but you can't change anyone. I'm very thankful he broke up with me.

I fell for one guy who lived 3 hours away. He seemed so amazing at first, except for where he lived. I was crazy about him, all my friends and most importantly my mom loved him. He was seemed so different from any guy I'd ever dated.

Turns out, he was just as bad, lying and disrespecting. How can someone say, "I love you, you mean the world to me" one day, then just leave without saying you're leaving, when you'd promised you'd be there and not call with any explanation for where you went or why? Someone that does that, doesn't love or respect you.

I am making an effort to change my dating style. I am doing my best to take my time, to really get to know a guy and to not overlook it if he's disrespectful or dishonest or doesn't care about having a family. I have to protect myself and my heart, I can't keep up this cycle of being broken again and again.