Forgive and forget

That's what they say, right? Forgive and forget. Move on.  Someone commented the other day to not focus so much on those that have hurt me, I agree, I shouldn't be focusing on them. I want to move forward and focus on the positive, but I need to acknowledge the hurt, so I can move on with the healing. I'm not writing this blog to have my own little pity party, oh woe as me, my life sucks. That's not what I want at all. I want to get rid of the darkness and let in all the happiness, light, love, positive and serenity that I can.

The whole point of this blog was to get my feelings out of me. I've had a lot of darkness inside me and I wanted to write it all down and get it out of my head and so far, it's worked great. It's been very cathartic, purging these thoughts and feelings. The other day, I wrote a line in a blog that talked about forgiving the people that hurt me and not holding any anger towards those people. It felt great to write that, like I was getting rid of all the hurt and would finally be free.

As soon as that line was written and the blog was posted, instead of feeling better, I felt worse. I didn't understand it, then I realized that there's one person I still have anger towards and I don't forgive them.

J had been my best friend for 7 years when my fiance fell in love with her. I still can't believe it. I can't believe that someone I trusted with my life, who I shared everything with would let that happen. I have no doubt in my mind she let it happen. I started sharing my concerns about his feelings for her as soon as things started getting weird, but she always had some excuse as to why she couldn't stop talking to him or some way to turn it back on me, that made me think that I was being jealous or crazy and that nothing was going on.

Something was going on. Everything in my gut said so.

Both J and C tried really hard to convince me that I was a crazy, jealous bitch and for a long time, I believed them. Thankfully, through therapy, I realize that yes, I may not have handled the situation the best at times, there were things I said that I would take back if I could, but that it wasn't me who was doing something wrong. They were.

It's not normal for a guy with a fiance and a girl who is married to go on over night dates and stay in the same hotel room with each other, while leaving their significant others at home. Once, OK, sure I'll give them that, but to plan regular overnight trips, no, not normal. In the last year of our relationship, C and J went on at least 3 such trips.

At first, I thought C just had a crush on J, he talked about her nonstop, but then he started talking to her more and more and spending more time with her and was constantly making plans with just her that didn't include me or her husband. Towards the end it was so bad, he'd come home from hanging out with her and I couldn't get him to kiss me or even have sex.

I should have listened to my gut sooner, but I loved him and I trusted her. So, I kept going that way, believing I must be crazy til I finally hit a wall and couldn't take it any more.

Leaving him and losing her as my friend was for the best. They were both negative cancerous people and needed to be cut from my life.

Over a year after the break up, I heard they were together and dating. Not from him, not from her, from other friends. C recently apologized and told me that he had been infatuated with her. That now he knew she was a psycho and he felt really bad for everything that happened. He is sorry, he knows he made a mistake. I can forgive him.

Her, I can't forgive. I'm sorry, if a friend came to me and told me they thought their husband or boyfriend had a crush on me, I guarantee, I wouldn't talk to him every day and I sure as hell wouldn't be going on any overnight trips with just me and him! I know I should forgive her. I know it will help me heal and move on, but I just can't. She knew me inside and out. She knew exactly what to say, what buttons to push.

I've spent a lot of time mourning the loss of my love and working on healing the hurt from that, but not of my friend. I spend a lot of time pretending she doesn't exist, doesn't have a name. I want to move on, I want to heal. I know forgiving her is a powerful thing and I want to, I just can't make myself say those words for her.

I lied. I don't forgive all the people who've hurt me. I forgive everyone but her. I'm not ready, I'm not sure I ever will be. People have told me to just let go, I want to and I would if I could. My hope is that in writing this and getting it out of me, that I'm one step closer to forgiving her. I know it's what I need to do, I'm trying. Really, I am.