Never give up, never surrender

Life doesn't always turn out the way we expect. When we are 18 years old and our whole life is ahead of us, we have all these hopes and dreams for future and how GREAT life is going to be and then REAL life happens.

My whole life I've dreamt of being a mom, but it just hasn't happened for me yet. I am truly thankful I didn't get pregnant in my 20's, I wasn't ready and would have been a horrible mother. I am also happy I didn't get pregnant in my early 30's, I needed therapy, badly and would have been a horrible mother.

At 39, I realize my window of fertility is closing, but my dream isn't going away. For the first time in my life, I feel like I finally have the tools to be a good mother, but I'm still not ready, not quite yet.

Some friends and family have accused me of giving up on my dream, because I'm not dating or because I'm not out actively looking for a sperm donor, which frustrates me to no end. Let's be clear, I will NEVER give up on my dream of being a mom, but I have to be realistic. Even if I met the man of my dreams tomorrow, who's to say that I'd be able to get pregnant? Considering that I'm almost 40 and have yet to meet the man of my dreams, I have to look at other options, like being a single mom by adoption, foster parenting or even a sperm donor.

I don't really want to be a single mom, but I will be if I have to. If I do decide to be a single mom, whether I find a sperm donor or adopt, right now, I'm not financially stable enough to take care of myself and a child. The main reason I went back to school, was so I could get to a place where, if I have to, I can afford to be a single parent.

I know my friends and family aren't being mean or trying to hurt me, when they question me about "giving" up, they all know how badly I want to be a mother. The problem is no one understands. I don't have anyone in my circle who is going through what I'm going through. Which makes it hard to try and talk about it, because if you haven't been there, you don't know what it's like.

Dating sucks. I either meet jerks or meet "the man of my dreams" and get my heart broken. I'm tired of it and need a break. I might decide to give on-line dating another shot, I might not. That doesn't mean I'm not open to dating, but internet dating wasn't working for me. I know it works great for some people, but I've given it a shot, been on hundreds of dates and I'm burnt.

Being single and trying to make a decision to be a single mom sucks even more than dating and going on bad dates or having my heart broken. If I do as some have suggested and just go out to a bar and have random sex with strangers until I get pregnant, how do I explain to my child who their father is when they're old enough to ask?

If I go to a sperm bank and choose anonymous sperm and get artificially inseminated, how do I explain that to my child, family, friends, strangers? Just bringing it up to family and friends gets me looks of disgust, bewilderment and even laughter, as if I'd joke about something so serious. Is going to a sperm donor and getting artificially inseminated really that horrible of an option? 

I had a friend, who like many others was upset by the thought of me choosing a random donor and made an offer to "donate to my cause", but as much as I love this person I don't think it will ever happen. His girlfriend would NEVER allow it. Which sucks, he's perfect. He is a wonderful person, kind, caring, respectful and would be a great role model for a child to look up to.

If I was able to get pregnant and have a child from his donation, at least when my child was old enough, I'd be able to take them to meet "Uncle B". I could say that "Once upon a time, I loved "Uncle B", but we just weren't meant to be a couple and because  "Uncle B" knew how much I wanted to be a mommy, he gave me the best gift ever and helped me make you."

Since that's not going to happen, I have a couple other guys that I'm close with and could ask, but not until I'm at least half way through school and on my way to making more money.

Someday, I will be a mom, whether it's to a child that I gave birth to or a child I choose, it will happen. I will never give up my dream and never surrender the hope I have to make that dream come true. I want to be a great mom and to be able to give my child a good life. I know it will be rough being a single parent, but if that's what I have to do, I'll do it. Nobody can make this decision for me, nor do they have any right to judge me on how I decide to go about making my dream come true.