No more headaches

Derek and I broke up last week and now my headaches are all gone. Funny how that works. You know, I probably would have put up with his drinking indefinitely as long as I thought he was trying and making an effort to get better, I would have given him chance after chance. Dating someone else though, while you're living with me, telling me you love me, making plans for our future, that I can't put up with.

I tried so hard to make it work, too hard. I did everything I could, but there came a point where I was desperate to know the truth and I invaded his privacy. I read his emails and texts. I am not proud to admit that and I feel awful, but at the same time, I feel I deserved to know the real him and what he was really up to. Not that it makes it right, it doesn't. It doesn't matter that he hadn't paid rent in months or that I was paying for his phone service and all our weekend activities, that didn't give me the right to spy on him.

There is still a knot in my gut. I know I should have ended things sooner, like after he fell and I found out about so many lies he'd told, I should have known that drinking wasn't his only problem. I know though, that if I would have ended things then, I would always have wondered if I did the right thing, if he would have, could have gotten better if given the chance.

Now I know, without a doubt, he'll never change, he'll never realize the damage his lies cause. Hell, I'm not even sure he realizes he's lying half the time.

I don't know how many times I said to him that I all I wanted was him to be open and honest with me. I know we had many discussions about people who cheat and why do they cheat, we both agreed, if you're done in a relationship, you should just tell the other person.

There are many reasons why Derek wouldn't have told me he wanted to see other people. But seriously, if he'd have come to me, when his feelings changed and said, you know, Jen, I just don't think I'm healthy enough to be in a relationship and I just don't feel the same way about you, yes, it would have hurt, but at least I would have known. We could have moved him into another part of the house and we could have ended things as friends. Instead of me finding out about this other woman he was dating and then finding out about soooo many lies he's told to me and so many other people.

Part of me is still hurting and wondering if any of it was real. Another part of me feels so free. That part of me that was ready for things to end.

My focus now is back where it should be, on me and on my family and friends. I am going to rest and relax and do what I like to do. I'm going on another 12 mile hike in a few weeks, I'm going to meet some friends that I haven't seen in a long time for dinner and or drinks. I'm also doing some research on the Wiccan religion, I'm not really a religious person, but from what I know of Wicca it's all about being positive and focusing on nature, two things that are really important to me, so we'll see.

One thing I know for sure is that I'm better off. I didn't deserve the way he treated me, nobody deserves that. I am looking at this as another learning tool, someday, I hope that I find Mr. Right and that all my past relationships have just given me the tools I need to be the best Mrs. Right any guy could ask for.