A new level of tired....

For just over a month now I have been commuting from Salem to Gresham four times a week and it is exhausting. I thought school was stressful and tiring, but the commute is worse. Much worse. At least with school you have a schedule and a syllabus, you know what's coming. The commute though is different every day. Some days it's easy as a breeze, other days it's so bad I end up crying in my car.

Even on the easy days, that's still just over two hours in the car and my body hurts and my brain is tired. It is physically and mentally draining being so cautious and aware of everything around me. Sitting in the car is also giving me back problems from being in the same position for so long.

When I knew I was going to be moving, I put my resume together and started sending it out, thinking I'd get a job right away and only commute for a short time. Silly me, the job market is so tough right now, what was I thinking?

In the two months that I have been sending out resumes (I've sent out at least 50), I've had one job interview, ONE. This week, I am so excited, because I have two! Fingers crossed one of them wants me. I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this commute.

Please, if you're reading this, send me some happy, positive, job getting thoughts. I can use all the positive energy I can get.

Thank you :D

Major life changes are afoot!

Wow, so much has happened the last few months, I don't even know where to start. My mom lost her job and decided to retire. She bought a home at the coast. We are selling the house that we own together and I am moving to Salem to live with my boyfriend, Mark!

One more week and I will be living full time in Salem. WOW, this is so crazy. I have never lived any where, except the Portland/Metro area, so this is a huge change for me. Not only that, but my mom will be in Florence which is two and a half hours away. That is the farthest away I will have ever lived from her.

My mom is so happy and excited, though. It has always been her dream to retire at the coast. As much as I hate being so far away from her, I know that it's what she wants. Her new place is super cute and perfect for her. This just gives me a reason to go to the beach more often :D

Another major change for me will be going to a new school and finding a new job in Salem.  I have been in my current position for nine years. I've worked here longer than I have any other place and everyone here is like family. I am so sad to leave, but the idea of commuting freaks me out and I wouldn't be able to go to school. Between work and commuting anywhere between two and four hours each day, doesn't really leave any time for school.

So many changes in such a short time, but I am super excited. I think I may have finally found my happily ever after with Mark. He is so amazing and I am so lucky to have found him.

I'm tired of being tired

People say to me all the time "How do you do it? I couldn't work full time while going to school. How do you have time for a life?". Honestly, two years ago, I was saying the same thing to people I knew that were working and going to school. Never in a million years did I think I'd be where I'm at now, working around 45 hours per week, going to school between half and three-quarters time and getting straight A's.

Going back to school was scary and I wasn't sure I could do it. There have been lots of ups and a few downs. I've been tired, stressed and emotional, but I've gotten through each term fairly unscathed.

This term, though, has been exceptionally difficult for me. I don't know if it's because I took too many classes or if they're that much harder or if I've just hit the breaking point and am so burned out, I don't give a fuck anymore. Whatever the cause this term, I'm tired all the time and feel like I'm drowning.

This term, I've received my first C and F on exams. I am so fortunate that my one exam was being graded on a curve and the F actually turned in to a C. Getting those grades was a HUGE wake up call, I am a straight A student, how is it even possible I got a C, let alone an F on an exam?!?!?!?

This term I haven't been putting forth the same effort to my classes as I have in the past. I might actually not get straight A's this term. I really need a break.

There are five weeks left of classes this term and then I am taking the entire summer OFF! I don't care if it means having to be in school for an extra term, I need to have a little bit of my life back.

Here are some of the things that I am really looking forward to during my summer off:

Working out four days a week
Vacation to Ashland and New Orleans
Reading a book for PLEASURE!
Not being tired
Spending more time with Mark
Not worrying about school
Not taking exams or writing papers
Spending time with friends and family

My hope is that if I get enough "me" time in this summer, it will give me the strength I need to get through the next year and a half or so of schooling. I CAN DO IT!

Dealing with a loss

I've never been good at dealing with loss. Is anyone really good at it? No, I guess not. Nobody wants to die, but death is a natural part of life. How are we not more prepared for it when the time comes?

Sometimes you lose someone distant and while sad, it doesn't effect you. A couple of months ago, my second cousin passed away in a freak accident. I didn't know her very well. I think it's been more than 10 years since I last saw her. It was a sad way for her to go and I feel awful for her family, but I'm sorry to say I won't miss her, because she really didn't have an impact in my life.

Other times, you lose someone and you think, "Well, at least they had a good life and went quickly and didn't suffer". That was last month, my great-uncle passed away from a random infection they couldn't find a cause for. He was in his late 70's and had lived a very good life. The infection had caused him to be paralyzed from the waist down and I know he would have hated to live that way, so in a way, it's better that he passed than live the remainder of his life that way. I will miss my uncle, we weren't close, but I'm sad I won't get to see him again.

<3 Uncle Tom, it made me happy to know that in your final moments, you were thinking of me. I  also remember that day of Eric's wedding and the one thing that always stands out is our conversation. Thank you for commenting on how pretty you thought I was. It meant more to me than you will ever know. <3

Then there are the times when you lose someone and all you can think is "Fuck. WHY. FUCK!" Last week, a dear friend passed away very unexpectedly, she was way too young. My heart aches, I can't sleep, I find myself thinking about her every 5 minutes. I close my eyes and I see her face, I hear her voice. This one hurts. It makes no sense. I will miss my friend very much.

<3 Devon, you were an amazing woman and could always bring a smile to my face. I will miss you terribly. I will do my best to think of all our happy times and not get mired in the sadness. Some of my favorite memories will be of playing BANG and Munchkin, taking jello syringe shots and my most favorite, watching you and Shannon share your love with us on your wedding day. <3

I am reminded of what happened ten years ago today. My 16 year old cousin, Tiffany passed away. It was a tragic accident. How many kids experiment with drugs and come out on the other side a little sick, hungover, maybe in trouble with their parents, but overall, they're fine? My guess is thousands. Tiff was the one out of those thousands that didn't turn out OK. Ten years and I still hurt, still miss my cousin, still mourn the loss of the woman she would have become.

Ten years from now, I know I'll still be thinking of Tiff and Devon. Both beautiful women that went way too soon. I don't know what happens after we pass, but I hope to see both of them again, someday, on the other side, whatever, wherever that may be.

Healthy Alternatives

The hardest part about making life changes is changing what I eat. I LOVE FOOD! So, I have been trying really hard to find healthier alternatives to some of my favorite things.

I love ice cream. LOVE IT! Unfortunately, it has a ton of calories. I found a recipe on Pinterest for an ice cream substitute that only had 3 ingredients: frozen bananas, peanut butter and cocoa powder. I wondered how that could taste like ice cream and didn't think it had a chance in hell of being as good as real ice dream, but I had to try it though, because it's only 230 calories per serving and has no sugar or dairy.

To prepare, I peeled ripe bananas and put them in a plastic baggy in my freezer. When I was ready to make the "ice cream", I took them out and ran them under some cold water. I sliced them up and put them in the blender with the peanut butter cocoa and a little almond milk, then blended till smooth and creamy.

Believe it or not, it was delicious and SO much like ice cream, it definitely fulfills that craving. The last time I made it, I added some fresh strawberries. It thinned it out more than I would have liked, but it still tasted delicious.

You can definitely play with the recipe too. You don't have to use cocoa powder and could just do bananas and peanut butter. You could use coconut, soy or rice milk instead of almond milk. You could add other things, just be aware that will change the consistency.

Another food I love is cheese and there really is no substitute for that. I have been eating less, but I've also discovered Laughing Cow Wedges: http://www.thelaughingcow.com/products/the-laughing-cow-wedges/

They come in a variety of flavors. My favorites are Blue Cheese, French onion and Queso Fresco and Chipotle. The great thing is, they are only 35 calories per wedge. I've been using a wedge of cheese instead of butter or margarine when I eat my baked potato. That saves me 55 calories! I also use the cheese wedges as a substitute for mayonnaise, which saves me 45 calories. I also like to pair the wedges with carrots, cucumbers or pretzels and use them like a dip.

Oh and if cake or bread is your thing, there are some great recipes to be found that don't use sugar or eggs. It's amazing what you can substitute for sugar and eggs and still make something delicious!

Losing weight when you love food and love to eat is the hardest thing, but I am trying so hard to find good healthy foods that I also love and won't feel guilty about eating. Stay tuned, I will keep posting about my successes in finding great for you foods, that are guilt free!

Changing my life

This term I had to take a health/PE class as part of the requirements for my degree. I was dreading this class more than any other I have taken or have yet to take. I'm almost 40 years old, why do I have to take a PE class?!?!?

Three months later and I feel like a new person, this class changed me! I have struggled with my weight all my life. I've tried fad diets, fasts, diet pills and belonged to several gyms. None of it has stuck with me or worked for very long.

That is the great thing about this class, it taught me how to change my life so that I can be successful and make a permanent life change. I learned how to have an effective work out that will maximize my weight loss and muscle gain (the more muscle you have, the more fat you burn). I learned how to eat better. I learned that it's better to make several small changes, than change everything at once. I learned that using fake sugar is actually worse than eating real sugar.

That's right, fake sugar is worse than real sugar. Fake sugar tricks your brain. When you eat something sweet, your brain thinks it's getting some carbohydrates that it can use to turn in to energy. When you eat fake sugar, your body isn't really getting those carbs and then it feels deprived and in the long run, you end up craving even more sugar. Not to mention that fake sugar is a processed, chemical sweetener, created in a lab, NOT made from anything in nature.

I am a Splenda girl. I used to use up to eight Splenda's in my coffee every day. I am PROUD to say that as of this week, I am down to using ONE Splenda in my coffee a day. ONE! That is HUGE for me. By the end of next month, I will be drinking my coffee black! 

Another thing I bet you didn't know, fat is good for you. Yep, that's right and if you think that it's OK for you to eat a diet that has NO fat in it, you are wrong. There are certain vitamins (A, D, E and K) that are fat soluble and without lipids those vitamins won't be absorbed in to your body. My favorite fact about fat and why it's healthy for you to eat things that contain fat, fat makes you feel full. As long as you eat foods that contain healthy fats, rather than foods that contain saturated and trans fats, you are doing your body good!

I am also proud to say that after 10 weeks of class, I am down 5 pounds and have lost 2% body fat and several inches off my body. I FEEL FANTASTIC!

For the first time in my life, I am making healthy, long lasting changes and I'm super excited!

Valentine's Day

Last year, I was single on Valentine's Day and going through a depression. I was curious to see what my post was for that day, thinking I would have posted something depressing, but instead, this is what I found:

Here are my 2 cents on love, this Valentine’s Day, hated by many, but not me. I have lots of reasons to be angry and bitter after so much heartbreak in my life, but I’m not. I believe in love. Love is beautiful and wonderful. It’s about honesty, mutual respect, putting others first. Love is unconditional. It’s about wanting what’s best for someone else, even if that means giving up what you want, ...even if it hurts. I would rather fall in love and have my heart broken, then to never love at all.

So, to my fellow singles, don’t hate Valentine’s Day, because you’re alone, celebrate love and all it stands for. And to those of you in relationships, cherish what you have, not just today, but everyday, because love is special, please don’t take it for granted.

 

Beautiful words from a heartbroken person. One year later and my whole life has changed. I'm no longer heartbroken or depressed, I'm happier than I've been in a long time.

 

Part of my happiness comes from being in love with a wonderful man. Mark is so good to me and for me. This is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and WOW, it's amazing. He actually treats me the way I deserve to be treated and when I think about all my past relationships, how the men treated me, how I let them treat me, it makes me so sad that I let that go on for so long. Thankfully, that is all in the past.

I am so lucky to have Mark in my life and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. Everything about our relationship is so easy, well, maybe except for the distance, but even that isn't too bad. He lives just over an hour away, but instead of making our relationship difficult, I think it just makes us appreciate the time we do get to spend together that much more.

 

Another reason for my happiness is that I started working out again. I used to work out at LA Fitness, but quit going when I was dating the drunk. He didn't like it that I wouldn't come straight home, but he didn't like that I was fat either, go figure. I didn't realize how much I missed working out and being active, until I got back in to a workout routine.

 

I have to work out as part of my health/pe class for school and I was really dreading it, but I love taking the class in conjunction with working out. In class, I'm learning about healthy ways to change my life and be successful. In the gym, I'm working with a trainer and doing a good work out program to mazimize the benefits of working out.

So far, I haven't really noticed any changes in my weight, it's only been four weeks, but I have noticed my body starting to change slightly, my clothes are fitting differently. I also have more energy and I FEEL GREAT!

This Valentine's Day I will take my advice from last year. I will cherish what I have. I will celebrate my love for Mark and my love for me and the positive changes I am making in my life.

I hope you can celebrate the love this Valentine's Day and pay it forward when and where you can.

 

Do one small thing for someone else

Doing one small thing for someone else, might not mean anything to us, but could mean everything to someone else.

Yesterday, I did a small thing. I gave the gas station attendant some throat lozenges. He was coming down with something and had a scratchy throat. Giving those to him, made no difference to me, but I bet they made a huge difference to him and how he felt.

The other day, my mom let an elderly woman go in front of us at the grocery store. She just had a few items, we had a cart full. The woman was go grateful and couldn't stop thanking us. It was really not a big deal and neither mom or I thought anything of doing it, but for that woman, it meant the world to her.

What small thing can you do to make someone's day better?

Pay it Forward

My mission in life, my advice to everyone, pay it forward. It's not hard, anyone can do it. Even the simplest task, like letting someone go in front of you at the grocery store, showing common courtesy, or giving a nickel to someone to cover their coffee or groceries, can make a HUGE difference in the lives of those people.

We're all busy, we all have things to do, places to be, but even a split second choice or decision can change someone's life. Think about your actions and how they affect those around you, whether they be family, friends, loved ones or complete strangers.

We CAN change the world. One random act of kindness at a time.

True story. Several years ago, I was at a gas station. The attendant was young, early 20's. He came to my window, I gave him my card and said, "Fill with regular, please." Then he returned my card and I said, "Thank you." The look on his face was priceless, he said "Wow, you just made my day. Nobody ever says "Please" or "Thank you" to me. Ever.". I was shocked at how happy that made him, because to me, that's just what you do, but think about if. If you're doing a service for someone and no one ever says please, thank you or even shows you any courtesy, over time, that could completely break you down.

I have never forgot that attendant or his reaction to my simple words of please and thank you and I share that story often. I also say please and thank you to anyone and everyone, no matter who they are. It doesn't cost me anything and in some cases, it might just mean everything to the person I've said it to.

Here are my favorite inspirational pay it forward stories:

http://mixmingleglow.com/blog/?p=1358 - Robyn performed 38 random acts of kindness on her 38th birthday! She has since started a website called The Birthday Project www.thebdayproject.com , please check it out!

Happy New Year!

What a year 2012 was, there were some downs, but the ups more than made up for the bad parts of the year. I went back to school after a twenty year break and got straight A's in all my classes. Several friends and family members had happy healthy babies this year. I adopted a new dog, Gavin, who I absolutely adore. I took a couple of good, low key vacations, the best kind for relaxing. The best part of 2012 though, I met the most wonderful man, who I am crazy about.

I am so excited for 2013. I've got two big trips planned and a couple small ones. I'm turning the big 4-0 this year. I'm a little nervous about that, but not going to let it get me down. It's going to be a good year. Sending happy, healthy wishes to all. Think positive and make your dreams come true!